Will I regret not going to my estranged father's funeral

[stellavisionandunderstanding]

AIBU to think that I'll regret not going back to the UK for my estranged father's funeral. I saw him once in 20 years with a few emails in between. I'd like to go for closure and to be with my siblings but I have a baby and and the hassle of taking him and getting equipment for him for a few days seems such a hassle. What are your thoughts?

I think it depends why you were estranged and how your relationship is with your siblings/rest of your family.
I wouldn’t go to my father’s. He was deeply unpleasant (understatement of the millennium!) throughout my childhood. I’ve been NC for years and I couldn’t see why I would attend.
Remember nobody can tell you how you should react though. Be clear about what you would want from going. It’s a dreadful position to be in and there’s no easy answer. I’m sorry.

I think if going to tr wedding will be more trouble than it’s worth...don’t go.
If you can and want to make it...go. Don’t feel guilty either way.

IMO funerals are about two things: supporting the bereaved family and getting closure. If you don't need a funeral for closure and there are other ways you can support your siblings then personally I wouldn't feel the need.

I’ll have to make this decision one day. On the one hand, it’s a once in a lifetime decision, and if you don’t go, that’s it, you can’t undo the decision. On the other, it was on that basis that I invited my F to our wedding, and then really regretted it, hated him being there. Best of luck.

DP attended his fathers funeral last month. They had no contact for 22 years.
No big falling out just stopped seeing each other.
The biggest reason was his fathers wife ( she was OW)
DP found out his father had died from a third party. He was told he could attend the funeral but must stay at the back not speak to anyone and leave imnediatly afterwards.
We did as we were asked.

DP afterwards said he was glad he went. It closed a chapter in his life and now he can carry on. He said he would have regretted it if he had not have gone.
It was his closer.

Thats how he feels but that is not to say it should be the same for you.

I didn’t go to my estranged father’s funeral and I don’t regret it.

I didn’t respond to a deathbed request to see him either. My only regret there is that I even entertained the notion of listening to what the go-between said.

It boils down to why you were estranged I think, and perhaps also whether you ever made a decent effort to see if things might have changed.

By dad hit my mum, cheated on her, gaslighted her about the cheating, went bankrupt (whilst hiding assets) to avoid paying child maintenance, made me and my mum homeless in the process and spread malicious lies about my mum, including to his new family. He dropped out of my life when I was eight.

In my thirties I had some contact to see if anything had changed. He was still utterly selfish. Said awful things about my mum, was repeatedly cheating on his second wife, lied to my face about things I had previously witnessed.

So I slammed that door hard. Because people like that only use and hurt others.

So if your dad was anything similar, don’t go.

It’s a really difficult one. I will have to make this decision one day with my dad although we are in the same country so not as big of a decision.
Would you need to bring your child with you? Do you live close enough that you could go and come back within a couple of days and there be adequate childcare to leave your little one?

Which would you regret more in the future? Going or not going?

I can’t tell you you won’t but I certainly didn’t

I didn't even know my father had died. My DM found out several years later when she wanted to remarry. He was a miserable old sod.

I went to my mothers funeral last year, we weren't estranged but she was horrible to me for over forty years because I refused to be bought by her and decided to stand on my own two feet. I had to leave part way through the service because I felt like a total hypocrite. She was surrounded by people who benefited financially from knowing her when she was alive, a handful turned up at the funeral fawning over my db who inherited everything the whole thing made me want to vomit.
I wish I hadn't gone.

My friend had been estranged from her father for over 20 years. She went to the funeral and I think it helped. They also made peace before he died (terminal illness).
My dd is 24 and we couldn't care less if her dad died. He never wanted a daughter and left when she was 3.
More contact when she was 17 but it's stopped years ago.

I was estranged from my father for many years (2 decades maybe?). Had seen him twice since I was 10.

He died, people tried to tell me to go to his funeral as I 'would regret it'. I didn't go- could not summon the energy to make the trip. I have never regretted it and over a decade has passed since he died.
I would have regretted spending time and money on someone who meant very little to me.

I have no idea if my 'father' is still alive, and i dont care.

when my mother had the nerve to divorce him he decided to drag out the divorce and made our lives hell.

as far as i am concerned, he can go to hell and i dont need to see him go

Forgive and forget
50/50 question
If you go,you will have 0% regretting it
If you don't go you have 50% regretting

My answer go

Agree completely with @Bobbiepin

Support and/or closure. If you don't need either (or need to offer either to anyone else) then there is nothing to lose or gain.

@TheVoidOfJanet this is very similar to us in every manner. I just feel like I need closure with my siblings because I'll never go back to the grave again.

Thank you to everyone who posted something. This outlet has really help me and bought me comfort that in the sense that I'm not alone.