Aibu to be cross at dh

[Unhappygirl1]

As a bit of background, I have a 4 year old son and twins that are 8 months old. I am on maternity leave. It’s full on. Very challenging. They have slept through the night once during that time. They barely nap.

This week I’ve dealt with the twins who both have colds, done cleaning, weaning, bum wiping, clothes sorting, food ordering, present ordering, hoovering (daily), feeding, walking in hop of them napping, shopping, playing, Lego building, visiting dr, outfit picking, bed making, loo cleaning.. the list is endless. I’m so busy most days I don’t drink enough and rely on junk food and cereal bars to see me through.

Dh comes in from work approximately an hour early today, moaned that I hadn’t got milk, seemed surprised that dinner wasn’t in oven and got incredibly stressed and sunk into a bad mood because it was “chaos” and too much! I was at this statement. He’s been in 10 minutes and he’s already finding it too much. I’ve done this “chaos” since Tuesday by myself. And I’ve still got tomorrow to go. Note that usually by time he gets in, babies are bathed and ready for bed.

Firstly he’s an extreme workaholic...I practically have to beg him to take holiday or help me out and it’s usually at a price (working extra hours to “buy” a day off). If he thinks it’s such chaos why does he not get why my heart sinks when he says he’s going to work late etc. He instead says I’m not supportive.

Secondly, I don’t think you can moan to someone who does the lions share of “chaos” about your 1%. I mean it was as soon as he walked through the door.

I got very cross told him to think of me and bloody run me a bath and pour me a wine if he felt it was so terrible. Was I being unreasonable?

He’s sulked off upstairs to read his magazine. Won’t talk to me. He’s got a lovely life... loves his job and says he does extra because he enjoys it, he’s off to cinema on Tuesday with a friend because “he works hard and should enjoy his money”, he never thinks of future and has no desire to improve anything in our life (no savings, no diy etc), he has several hobbies that take priority (we have expensive models related to his hobby in our house and almost all storage is dedicated to his hobbies)

I am going to suggest bare foot investor for finances and a weekend away for yourself.
Finances ideally 3 months wages in an account to cover illness, redundancy etc.
Then 3 linked accounts for the money that enters the house.
First account gets 60% of income to spend on everyday stuff, mortgage, bills, food, etc.
2 nd account is splurge account to spend on date night, hair cuts, hobbies and you have a pre set limit you can spend to without discussion with partner. Ours is $200. Final account is savings, used for holidays, cars big purchases.
For him moaning about chaos, tell him you are going out for a night or away for a weekend and let him do it all. Very eye opening for him and you might get more help,
Good luck

I agree with Weenurse. He needs a better understanding of how it really is day-to-day for you so a lesson is in order. Atm, he sounds like an entitled git, and not much of a dad. Money solves everything

Everything you've said he does and says is really unfair. When's your time off? What hobbies do you have? When you go back to work will you have equal chores in the house, will he do the same pick ups and drop offs etc. Does he do his fair share at weekends? Tbh it sounds like he doesn't get the reality of looking after children and takes you for granted. And also can't communicate well if he sulks and storms off to read a magazine when he's got 3 kids to put to bed

Call him on it when he storms off and allocate him some jobs. Don’t ask as this gives him an out.
DH did the bathing while I did the vacuuming (so much mess under the table after dinner). He would then do bottles, storey and teeth while I did kitchen and dishes.
He needs to understand it is not ‘his’ money but family money. They are not ‘your’ children but both of yours. You both contribute to the family in different ways but need to contribute equally.

You've shown remarkable restraint in not taking a bat and swinging at his beloved expensive models to be honest! What an asshat. A cowardly asshat who won't help with the children he helped to make!

I only have one DD 9 months, and DH would never dream of coming home calling it all chaos and fucking of upstairs to ignore and leave me to it.

Running the house and looking after the kids can't simultaneously be so simple that you should be able to manage it all easily and so hard that he can't contribute to it because he's been at work. Either he acknowledges that it's a slog and pitches in, or he does it himself seeing as it should be so easy!

You have behaved with incredible restraint to him flouncing off. Why on earth are you putting up with this? I felt my blood pressure rising just reading your post. To summarize, he is a selfish, entitled workaholic. Things need to change. You cannot go on like this. Allocate jobs to him. He needs to stop the overtime and do some actual parenting of his kids. If twins are in bed normally by the time he gets in from work, when does he spend any time being their father?

As for his bloody hobbies and precious time off going to cinemas .. yeah he can eff off with that nonsense.
I really wish women would stop having kids with men like this. That breed of men would then die out. One hopes.
Sorry op. So angry on your behalf. He is selfish beyond words. He's a shit husband and a shit father. Burn his models.

his money? Big red flag right there.

His attitude stinks. Tell him he either leaves work at a sensible time so he can pull his weight or he pays for some home help - cleaner and ironing as an absolute minimum.

In the meantime, give the twins to him to bath so you can get some dinner on. The early years are tough but you really need to find a way to eat properly.
I once got so fed up with DH moaning that I did nothing that I kept a timesheet. I think they forget that you work 24/7 not 9-5 and that by going to work, they get a change of scenery.

It's not you that's the unsupportive one.

He sounds really horrible.