To talk to the school SENco? If not, who?

[helpmehelphim035]

Name changed as this is personal about my child
My son has really struggled since starting year one. Loved nursery and reception, obviously it’s more play based.
He has some quite unusual ways, mostly relating to regulating emotions, he’s default is anger, very rare for him to cry, I can those flashes of emotion where he wants to cry but he immediately switches it to anger. It’s like he’s scared to feel. Its too complex to try and explain it all, but I’m pretty certain he’s not on the spectrum although I once thought it possible. School haven’t raised issues in that respect but he can be difficult to manage when upset/angry.

Anyway, he’s been refusing to go to school every morning, from what I gather it’s because the work is too hard. He’s convinced he can’t do it when in fact, if he actually does some work, he’s at the standard he should be. Reading, writing, maths Ect. But he really doesn’t believe in himself.
Tonight when I was in the bath, he told me he wants to die. Then said something about teachers. I asked him is it because of school. He said yes. I asked him if he’s finding it hard and he looked as if he was about to breakdown (cry) but then immediately shut down, turned his back on me and told me not to talk to him. After some gently probing and reassurance he eventually did cry (which I think actually does him good).

My heart is breaking that he said he wants to die. How can I help? I can’t see any reason for him to have such low self esteem. Should I speak to the SENco or will they not help because there’s no actual SEN. There must be someone in the school who can help as I’m really worrying where this could end up if something’s not done.

Sorry for the long post.

SENCOs certainly do help in these types of situations. Ask for a meeting with both his teacher and SENCO.
Sounds really aad, hope he gets the help he needs soon and has a more positive experience at school.

You need to talk t9nhis teacher. It sounds like he's struggling with the transition to more independent work being expected. The sendco is unlikely to help you before you speak to the teacher.

Meant to write - sounds really sad

Oh bless him and very hard on you. We have experienced similar and find the school pastoral support worker amazing. Every school should have one or someone responsible for emotional health and well-being. I would start by having a chat with his teacher and go from there. You'd be amazed how quickly things can improve, it sounds like he needs some confidence building work. Difficult and upsetting but fairly normal x

Some good tips I had were to validate his feelings by telling him you understand and also to reassure him that you will take steps to improve the way he's feeling. Chatting about any positives also good, we used a traffic light system.. green -what was good, yellow -what was ok and red -what went wrong.

I’ve spoken to his teacher but I will do again now. She says he is a bit defiant when it comes to doing work but didn’t seem too concerned. I think he hides it well. I have a feeling his strong emotions will begin to show at school the more he gets to know his teacher. Takes him a while to feel comfortable.she seems nice though.

He does see a TA that done some training in emotional literacy. Started last year but the timing of sessions were a bit erratic. He tells me he saw her today (first time this term) so his teacher took on board my suggestion when we spoke last week. I don’t know if it’s enough though..

You definitely need to talk to his teacher. It could be the class is too strict for him( e.g. I saw a five year old in one class sobbing because she had underlined the date and got the line crooked. The teacher and the school were very rigid). It could be he is a perfectionist. Or very competitive and hates not being the best at everything. One of the younger children in the class. I hope the teacher can help.

Talk to the GP (as well as the teacher/SEN). He may need a referral to CAMHS because it sounds as though the emotional issues and anger responses are a bigger problem than just school.

I don’t think she is too strict. She is understanding of his needs and gives him time to calm down. I don’t think she tries to push him really hard, but maybe a bit otherwise he wouldn’t do anything and she knows he’s capable.

He is a bit of a perfectionist, but also has really low confidence in himself.

He has lots of friends though which is one major plus. Don’t think I could cope with the guilt of sending him in otherwise.

@bridgetreilly I’m inclined to agree but I just don’t know what could be bothering him so much st such a young age.
I worry about going to them because of feeling under scrutiny or being judged.

I would suggest you meet with the senco to keep them informed but with the state of school budgets, there may realistically little they can offer other than raising staff awareness of his issues. In years gone by we would have offered pastoral support, learning mentor time, interventions, booster groups, play therapy etc but we have none of those resources now.

I think I would chat to your GP.

What you've said about your ds is uncomfortably familiar to me. Mine would get angry at school and was labelled lazy every parents evening. If he was asked a question the answer flowed straight out but knuckling down to actually work? Totally different. Perfectionist also, and hated praise, really low self confidence. We couldn't disagree or tell him off without it causing irrational anger.i was terrified for him for some time, that he would kill himself. We would have heart to hearts and he'd eventually cry, he didn't want to feel how he did but didn't know why. Oh, and his handwriting was (And still is tbh) quite awful.

When we eventually got someone to listen and realise it wasn't laziness, he was under the SENCO, got some counselling (I still don't know exactly what was wrong) and some tests, and found he has dyspraxia and possibly ever so slightly on the high functioning end of autism (results were negligible but traits prompted testing).

Since then, his attitude has gotten a lot better, he's doing a lot better. I'm not saying your ds is the same but, for the praise and confidence issue, it helped my ds to realise that he doesn't have to agree with other people's opinions of him (that he's talented, clever, has a kind heart) but just as we should respect his opinion of himself even if we don't like it, he should respect others that think he's fab and that to us it may just be true.

Just keep showing him you're there if he needs you and can be open with you about anything without judgement. Make sure he knows he's good enough, and definitely talk to senco. They won't judge, I promise

Yes I’d speak to the senco and also the gp.
And I’d try to avoid putting your own interpretation on things when he opens up to you. I know he mentioned teachers but asking him if what he said was because of school isn’t exactly going to make him feel any more positive towards school and he may well just agree because it’s easier. Similarly asking him if it’s too hard. Open questions are more likely to get to the root of the problem but he may well not even know why he’s feeling the way he is.
Has anything traumatic happened in his early life?