to be upset with my sister.......

[HC4U]

.....who financially has a lot more than I have and lives a very different lifestyle to me due to her having in reality a lot more money. We both have children and I never forget her kids birthdays , christmas and regularly get them something small for halloween, easter and when I see them. My sister on the other hand makes a big deal about gifts what she will get kids etc and surprise surprise the gifts often never materialise or arrive on time when something small does arrive. Its not the value or the gift etc but its so obvious she couldn't care less and doesn't even have her kids say thank you. Regularly I can send my goddaughter something for her birthday and I never know if she received it or not. We live a few hours away so I end up posting stuff. My kids often ask me why I spend so much time getting her kids stuff and put thought into it and she never gives my kids the same experience. I know I should just cut the whole gifting down or out. But today one of my kids got her in a family KrisKindle and she text her giving her a list of things she would like. Way above agreed budget too. I just found it really strange that it really is all about her. I really wish I had the courage to stop this gifting and concentrate on my own family.Yip AIBU! I should just cop on and realise this is such a trivial issue and just give without wanting thanks and give for the right reasons!

Just stop buying for her and her kids. Why can't you? They are ungrateful and grabby.

If your kids are asking you 'why are you bothering' then it's time to stop. They have noticed your sister doesn't care, show your children you are not a walk over.

Would you want your children to be worrying/fussing over/get upset about unappreciated gifts - NO? Well stop teaching them how to do it.

Just withdraw, no need for a fall out. Stop. If she mentions it, say cheerfully - I didn't think we were doing it anymore, and I never know if you receive the gifts I send.

Regarding the Christmas list, text politely 'Nice try sis, the budget is still xxxxxx'

Thank you! Great advise and actually advise I would have given a friend if they were in the same situation. Sometimes when your in the thick of things you don't see the action needed. When I read re. my children worrying etc I realised and should have ages ago no way do I want my kids upset. Enough is enough. Don't want a fall out but I just need to be assertive and remain kind with it!

Thanks again to you both!

Could I ask another quick question for opinions on this? My sis has contacted me to say her and hubby and kids will be in the city I live in for three nights over the christmas and that they will pop to us for dinner some evening and she will drop in some gifts for the kids. Now for the first time ever and after reading replies above I actually want to say "sorry have a nice trip but we won't be around for hosting dinner". I just feel completely used all the time with her and for once I just want to stand up to her and say nicely we are not around or even why not meet for a coffee with kids as we are sick of cooking etc.
Everytime she has been at my home I have always given them a meal etc and if I visit her house we would be lucky to get a biscuit with our tea. I actually feel now I really need to show my kids a strong example but is this a good example by saying no sorry cannot do dinner when its just me not being myself around her and wanting to stop that cycle. But then I think life is short and is this really a big thing in the stream of things............My hubby is fully behind my decision and he himself has had enough of her behaviour.Why do I get myself into a knot with people who clearly see things differently and behave differently. Thanks! You know sometimes writing things down does give clarity!

If you want to see her why not suggest eating out. If you really aren't bothered then just say you've got plans. I know how you feel!

I think your instincts are right and you've always been more invested in making an effort - definitely time to re-balance the scales and assert yourself! Good luck.

Tell her life is a bit busy, can we meet for coffee.

Sounds like they will come for dinner, and expect presents but won't have anything for you and your kids.

Tell her no, OP. And I'm glad you're stopping the presents! To clarify, who texted your dc with a list of things they would like? Your sister or your niece/nephew? So grabby!

Thank you! I guess I just needed a nudge to know that I can change the goalposts from the way things are done. Its just when its family you feel this pressure to make sure its "the waltons around christmas" and of course thats not real life for many families. Its just a small worry really in the stream of life, but with a long history of feeling like a fool and used and lied too around her, I just wanted to really show my own kids and husband that enough is enough. I think I need to not feel guilty and just say great your in town lets meet for a lovely hot chocolate and I am on a no cook this week and leave it at that. Thank you again. I love the term rebalance the scales!! thank you! Lola247 hugs!!

Christ OP you sound like a kind tolerant bloomin soul, I hope you can now say No, knowing your kids can see your Sister for exactly what she is lovely.

No wonder your sister has a lot more money than you if she keeps getting you to spend your money on her and her family!

Definitely say you won't be around to host as you have other plans, and definitely stop buying presents . With the money you save you can either give your kids an extra special Christmas or spend it on a family treat in the New Year.

But today one of my kids got her in a family KrisKindle

I don’t understand what that means -is it like a secret Santa?

If so, can’t your child reply and say-isn’t the limit £10 or whatever or has that changed? Make a point of it. And ask for suggestions of less than that.

I’d stop buying for each other’s kids altogether tbh and if she wants to meet up whilst they’ve in town, suggest going halves on a pub meal somewhere or saying you already have plans for dinner, but inviting them for tea and a mince pie at 3pm instead (or drinks after dinner).

Seize the power back!

The Kris Kingle just get your dc to buy within budget something they want to buy.

She’d her a list of very expensive items you and your kids want for Xmas.

Always listen to your gut. Then act on it - don't let the chatter in your head minimise how you feel due to FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) - these are not helpful emotions. Put your boundaries up confidently you will feel very relieved and will be teaching your DC important life skills.

Ball is always in your court with people like this as givers need to set limits, because takers never do.

Do it and do it soon!

Thanks everyone. Yes to clarify she texted my child with items she would like. I cannot stress how much money she has in comparison to me. Its not the money though thats the issue really from my side, its the absolute lack of respect and even when we do get the gifts she wants, there is never a real thanks - the odd time you might get a text to acknowledge it. Plus her kids are at an age when they could actually text too. But that doesn't happen. There does come a time when actually she isn't to blame, but its me. I am beginning to see that now. I am the one who just lets it happen a lot of the time for that FOG feeling. There is a history there with her and her selfishness and her lack of respect or value and the older I become and the more life experiences thrown at me the more I see now I shouldn't let her get to me or accept her behaviour. My kids now that they are getting older have seen it so much clearer than me. One example recently that kick started the revelation for me has been that my daughter who is her goddaughter was very ill and needed a lot of hospital treatment and not once did she text her to see was she ok or was I ok or could she help out with my other kids - one with special needs too. Its always about her and yet I have heard her tell my Mum (thats another story its always about me, so what can you say to that? I do say to my kids she may have all material wealth but she certainly doesn't have good manners wealth! Its like she looks down on us and really I am no longer of use to her. We used to best friends until she got married and all of a sudden she just stopped calling me, wanting to spend time with us or bring her hubby to visit and when her kids came along, she was always saying no to me if I offered to mind them or help her. So I know myself I have always tried and actually tryed too much according to my hubby and to just let her be. I did say it to her once did she not miss our chats, coffees, visits etc and she said straight out to me that it suited her at the time to do all those things and it doesn't now. So one could argue she is just doing what she wants and I guess thats what I need to learn to do. I know its a hard time for many people with families this time of year and when you have kids too you try to show good example. But this year I just don't want to be always the one that is on tender hooks and pleasing others at the cost of my own sanity and family happiness. I actually even feel guilty posting this, so I need to really listen to my gut. Lots of it there to listen tooooooooooooooo. Thanks all!

She sounds very selfish. Not even texting about your dd's illness was very low. You're doing the right thing.

I'm just curious, but how much was the budget for the KrisKringle, and how much were the things she was asking for?

Just offer to meet up for a coffee out when she's in town, and stop buying presents. She's a taker, all the talk about the presents she was planning on getting for your family, was just so that you would feel obligated to reciprocate with expensive presents. By the time you get your presents from her, if they do appear, and you realise you've spent much more on her and her family, it's too late.

It's taken you a long time to realise you're being taken for a mug, but now you do, it's time to change things, and don't feel guilty about it, she doesn't!

I'd be very tempted to switch the DC's secret santa present with a wrapped lump of coal.

Don't be a doormat, I'm sure she wouldn't allow it for herself.
Next message tell us you have done it

I would like to see the update where the op has sent the message that she can meet for coffee, will see if the kids want to come along (sounds like your kids shouldnt have to, they can see exactly how much she cares)
Don’t take any presents, obviously.
Don’t say it’s a no-cook week, just say it didn’t suit or you didn’t feel like cooking . This is the truth- you might cook for someone else who is a good friend, you can’t be arsed for her.

Thanks again everyone. It has been great to get some reinforcement for myself to actually do something instead of being what my hubby has noted too many times - a doormat. I can still be kind and show my kids that we can meet up , but meet in on my own terms and actually delete the noise from my brain of always being anxious around her and feeling I am walking on egg shells which I do. I have enough going on in my life to have this really effect me, so on a practical note the following is going t happen and I am determined to stick with it. 1. Wait for the text to come to say they are going to call ( I know when she is landing in city, so I do not contact her let her contact me.......)

1. Leave it a few hours to respond and say would love to meet some of us - letting my children decide for once if they want too and if they don't no problem. Arrange to meet in a nice place for coffee

Thank you everyone and the ironic thing is if one of you had posted the original message I would have said to you "stay true to yourself , kind but do whats best for you and your family". Finally I think message is going to my brain!

Have a good day all!

Hi all, I thought I would give you a quick update. As expected I got a text last week saying that my sis and her family and her husband family would all be passing my way on Friday and would call to my house for lunch. I said that it would be better if we met in a local restaurant that I couldnt cater for 20 people that day. Honestly I felt great that I said that and we met for brunch. The whole event made me realise there is no respect what so ever for me and my kids. The whole event was a show for her hubby family and although I was sitting beside her she never engaged properly with conversation and no matter how kind and patient I was, it was just awkward in me trying too hard. I could also see her behaviour with her hubby family - all nice and attentive to their kids and practically ignoring mine and I actually could see for the first time what have I been doing to myself and indirectly my own family the past few years. Even my own DD said afterwards you would never think she was my Aunty she never even asked me what Santy got me. Out of the mouth of babes! Once food was over and "acceptable" chit chat time around the table I made my excuses and left wishing them a lovely trip. Would you believe it I feel a lot better and although feel a fool too for all these years. I do feel hopefully I now realise that you cannot change people bar yourself. Thank you all for your help and support. P.S. I got a text today saying "oops I forget to give you your christmas presents, they were in the car"...............

Good for you op.
And what about the Kriskringle?

Did she offer to post them to you?

Well done on not cooking lunch, (20 people? Seriously?) but what did you do about giving her presents? That's rather a vital bit of information you've left out!

Hi apologies I forgot........my presents to her kids were posted the week before Christmas and arrived on time. Her gifts to mine are still probably sitting in her boot of the car or wherever. When I got the text to say her gifts were in the car. I said oh thats a pity but post them on or leave at my back door when your heading back from your trip. We are away ourselves now. I got a text to say she was sorry again (so at least that was said!!) kids hadn't gifts but she would post them or leave them at our parents house which she will be visiting this week too.

Yip 20 people including her immediate family my own kids and hubby and her husband sister and her hubby and their 4 kids. So glad I had the courage to say no to that meal preparation. You know up to three months ago I would have said ok and spent the day and expense preparing dinner.

Thanks again everyone!