AIBU regarding crazy sister in law?

[RosieStarr]

My BIL’s wife (will call SIL for simplicity) is driving me insane, and all my husband and in laws can say is “oh but she’s family”. They all agree that her behaviour is crazy, but nobody is willing to do anything about it. This has been going on for a few years but has been worse since they got married.

In my opinion, she’s crazy, neurotic, and self absorbed and I just cannot be bothered to waste anymore energy on her. Some examples of her behaviour:

• criticises mine and my husband’s decisions because we are atheists

• treats her autistic brother like dirt (particularly hurtful as mine also is), including her parents ‘sending him away’ for two years while she did her A levels

• she’s known me for approx eight years and yet can’t tell you what my job is, and repeatedly tells people the wrong thing (I cant reveal it because it’ll identify me - but it’s like mixing up surgery with baking, it couldn’t be further from reality) yet I can tell you what she does

• fully admits she refused to stay on an extra two weeks at work, thereby turning down a bonus worth almost as much as my husband and I combined earn in a year, because it would be ‘inconvenient’ for her to wait to move to her new job (in the same city!)

• insisted on dictating the outfit that every family member wore to her wedding, despite the fact that I wasn’t part of the wedding party

• gets angry when the dinner table conversation isn’t about what she wants to talk about, and will angrily shout questions to change the conversation until someone responds

• treats waiters/waitresses like s* on her shoe

• I got diagnosed with a medical condition, she found out, and immediately went and got herself tested out of paranoia despite having none of the symptoms

• claims she had a hard upbringing (ie not well off) but went to private school, went to Cambridge (paid by parents), never wanted for anything... yet I grew up on a counsel estate and had to work throughout the whole of my studies to pay for it myself

If this was anyone else, I’d just not speak to them, but she’s ‘family’ and therefore I seemingly cannot avoid her. In laws also won’t let me try and address it. I can’t understand why being ‘family’ excuses poor behaviour, but I also have no idea what to do about it. I mean she’s going to be my future childrens’ aunt FFS but she’s just a horrid influence.

Anyway... AIBU? Family can’t possibly trump bad behaviour, can it?

Can you minimize contact with her? Explain gently to your DH that you're finding her too much to deal with, even if she is family, and that you don't want to go to so many family events when she's there? Otherwise all you can do is grin and bear it while practising avoiding action as much as possible. You certainly can't call her out - if that's what you mean by addressing it - if your ILs have requested you don't. You seem to have discussed it with them, so what did they say?

This seems a bit “Bitch eating crackers”

It’s none of your business whether she gave up a bonus or not.

Her parents choosing to send her brother away is their responsibility not hers.

It is rude for her to openly criticise you for your lack of religious belief. Just as it would be for you to criticise her for having a faith.

Not remembering your job is rude but hardly the end of the world. None of my family have any clue what I do

Dictating your outfit for her wedding. Sounds a rather bridezilla but you didn’t have to comply. It was your choice not to smile politely and refuse.

If she’s rude at the dinner table you can politely challenge and redirect.

Bad behaviour towards wait staff is unpleasant but why not calmly call her on it? You don’t need permission surely?

Getting tested for a medical condition- what impact does that really have on you?

People’s feelings about their upbringing depend on their perspective. If she went to Cambridge is possible that she met peers from very wealthy backgrounds. It’s not a competition. And again - why do you need permission to gently put an alternative perspective and point out her privilege?

She sounds annoying. She doesn’t sound like a more than averagely annoying relative though. I hardly think she will be a bad influence for future offspring. Remember you will be their greatest influence, she’ll be an excellent object lesson in how not to behave.

Agree with the PP "Bitch eating crackers" is your problem here.

I don't mean to devalue how annoying she is for you, but honestly that doesn't even register remotely as 'crazy SIL'.

I have a proper single white female stalker and harasser for a SIL so my judgement is probably a bit clouded.

Just put some distance between you and privately see the funny side to eccentricities. If she isn't very nice with wait staff I just would refuse to eat out with her.

You don't like her. You don't like her behaviour. That doesn't make her crazy.
I think it's rude of you to involve your ILs in your dislike of another member of their family.
Just ignore her or minimise contact. You're the one who dislikes her, why do you think others should address it with her?

I think some of your criticisms are justified and some are none of your business.

It doesn't matter if she gets tested for a disease - she probably just has anxiety, going to Cambridge uni doesn't cost more than any other uni it's just difficult to get in.

What their family do to care for their autistic child is also none of your business (there's a huge spectrum and he may not be similar to your brother). If she's making derogatory remarks about autism in general obviously thats very offensive.

In general though she does sound difficult and unpleasant. You need to accept that she won't change and you can't dictate how other people handle her. You can decide how you handle her though. You can minimise contact, pick her up on opinions you disagree with (although you should realise you probably won't change her mind). You can politely point out rude behaviour (but again be aware she probably won't change).

You don’t like her so every little slightly annoying thing she does is going to enrage you. I get it, I feel the same about one of my in-laws. I’ve minimised contact with them whilst not restricting contact for my husband and children. It’s the only thing to do in situations like this, unless you can suddenly be Mother Teresa.