To feel annoyed at how co-dependant DP is?

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Honestly it's like he's a little boy. He rings his mum every day, sends her several texts a day and goes to see her pretty much every day. If she's away on holiday he has to ring her too. And if he can't reach her, he'll ring his siblings to see if they've spoken to her.
Don't get me wrong, I don't mind that they're close. MIL is really quite nice and I like her. I'm pretty lucky with a nice MIL judging from some of the stuff I see on here.
What pisses me off is that he cannot make a decision without running it past his mother first.
New wallpapaper? Let's ring mum.
New car? Let's ring mum.
I've bought a new sofa. I'll just ring mum and check that she likes it.
Thinking of going away on holiday? I'll ring my mum.
We have been away on a few UK holidays this year and we have only managed to go on one by ourselves as he invited his parents on the rest. Including a holiday that was meant to be for my big birthday.
We bought a house this year and were waiting on hearing back from the estate agents as to whether our offer had been accepted. Who did he ring first when they contacted him? His partner, mother of his children and woman that he lives with? No. He rang his mummy to tell her the news first.
Really cheeses me off sometimes that we can't have our own little family and make decisions between us as we have to consult MIL first. FWIW I don't think that she is that bothered what we are doing, and it's not her that is making him call her first. Although she does like to have her say.
And then there's the fact that he thinks she's an absolute goddess who can do no wrong so there's no way I can live up to her incredibly high standards....

If I was his mum I’d tell them all to get a life! She must be talking to her kids all day every day.
Yes my mil is when she’s away and when she’s home she’s looking after gc. I plan to enjoy some childfree life at that age, but she positively encourages it.

He wasn't initially as bad though. It's taken 5 years to get to this point. Seems to have got worse this last year or so for some reason.
I daren't say too much about it as what PP said is true, I know where i stand if I get on her bad side or indeed of I say too much to DP.
I think she secretly enjoys all the adulation and being up on a pedestal.
Although I know sometimes she gets annoyed with him turning up all the time and phoning every 5 bloody minutes. Sometimes when he calls she gets a bit shitty with him and you can tell she's had enough of him for the day or he's interrupting her soaps!
He's her youngest and the favourite so he gets away with a lot with her.
His DF isn't as bad but will indulge him in giving his options but a lot of the time will tell him just to get on with it.
Glad to see I'm not the only one who finds it annoying!

And MIL is not unwell and is only just a pensioner. FIL isn't that old either and isn't particularly unwell. So there's just no need!

What Sarahjconnor said
This isn't what I think of as co dependency but rather an enmeshed relationship with his Mother. A parent's job is to prepare a child for independence. I know a family of two sisters and a mother like this. The sisters have married and have their own families but there's something about the mother that they are overly attached to. It's pretty hard to describe but it's almost as if the parent hasn't given them the skills or encouragement to trust their own judgement. I adore my parents but have absolutely no need to run by things with them first. That's because they parented me well. This, imo, is coming from your MIL

anniehm
I don't get the constant contact, but I was brought u pre mobile phones, when you had one phone I the hall and your dad told you to hurry up! I don't contact my dh during the day unless it really cannot wait and I call my parents about once a week unless it's urgent - I think we are probably weird now!

You're not weird to me, I'm exactly the same

Yep it would piss me off.

And yeah there probably ARE women like this.

But it's worse somehow when it's men who are clingy with their mothers.

Makes them seem like babies who won't let go of the apron strings.

When it's women, it just shows a nice friendship and a closeness between them and their mother.

A man being a big baby around his mother would be a massive turn off for me.

Yeah I know it's double standards. I don't care. That's how I feel.

This isn’t co-dependency, you are using the term incorrectly.

An example of a co-dependent relationship might be the spouse of a drug addict or daughter of an alcoholic where they constantly caretake and swoop in to rescue the addict, neglecting their own emotional needs, safety and security in the process. Co-dependents are always drawn to situations where they are needed or can give to others but often don’t know how to receive love or affection despite being able to give it in bucketloads.

Your husband is overly dependent upon and enmeshed with his mother. Not co-dependent.

I am always amazed that men like this manage to father children as they always seem so limp.

It sounds like he hasn't fully fledged into adulthood. He would probably benefit from therapy, but if he doesn't see the problem that won't happen. Have you ever tried gently ribbing him about it?

This would drive me up the wall! But, I’m afraid it’s only ever going to stop if MiL initiates it. You won’t ever be able to change it yourself, and any effort to do so on your part is bound to lead to arguments, resentment and ultimatums.
You say you think she secretly enjoys the behaviour, so I doubt MIL is going to make things change, so really it boils down to how you cope with it. Let him get on with the regular contact thing, draw a line r.e. Holidays (I.e. which you are willing to have the pILs along for and which you are not).

I’ve specifically omitted your DP taking any responsibility for changing things because I just think he’s too wet to do it

I haven't read all the other posts but I think running decisions past his Mother is quite undermining to you. My DH does this sometimes (not any where near on the level of your DH though) and it bothers me. I feel financial decisions for a couple should be private. Like you my MIL is a nice person but she still passes judgement. That said when she agrees with me it's not so bad :) and I do run things past my parents but they're not very judgemental.

but it's almost as if the parent hasn't given them the skills or encouragement to trust their own judgement

^^ this with bells on!! My own parents are like this and it's taken years of DH gently saying do we need to speak to your dad about that for me to realise that it's actually really strange and that I can make decisions by myself!

For my parents it's a control thing, since I've stopped the constant contact and asking for their opinion all the time and reached more normal levels of contact they have been really off with me. They hate that I'm now completely independent and don't need them for basic everyday tasks.

Both my siblings are still very much attached. My brother lives with them...he's 26 and for the first time asked a girl out on a date and instead of making arrangements elsewhere, they went back to my parents and they all had pizza together..... he didn't hear from the girl again. Shock.

What pisses me off is that he cannot make a decision without running it past his mother first.

I've ended female friendships and relationships over this - it's not just a male thing as PPs have said.

I'm a bloody adult, I don't need someone's mum approving of my plans!

Boooohumbugs that's really sad for your siblings. Thank goodness you're husband was so solid and managed to wean you off your parents without alienating you from him.

I agree with you about the control thing. If you don't give your children the skills then they rely on you much more. My parents were like this and I'm the opposite with my children. I want them to have the independence because it's so much harder to teach yourself the skills when you're older than when you pick them up naturally as a child/young adult. It makes the world a much more frightening place than it needs to be. Your poor brother and the pizzas...I'd never speak to him again either if I'd been that girl!

Your not you're!

I would find this absolutely intolerable and, in a way, a betrayal of the intimacy between you.

He should be putting you first always and it would drive me potty. House and holiday thing is totally off.

Also, can't believe I'm going to say this but I actually feel sorry for your MIL. She must not get a moments peace. Waiting for the phone to ring all day long would certainly make me very tense.

Maybe you could put it to DH that he's taking up too much of her time and that it would be nice of him to trouble her less. If he adores her that much you could just possibly make him think twice if you make out he is putting extra mental strain on her that could be detrimental to her health.

When his parents have been away and he's said he's ringing them I've said "aww bless them they're trying to relax,leave them alone." (In a nice tone) and he's said that he still wanted to call so I just left him to it. Same as when we have been making household decisions, a lot of the time I just push to get it done and then leave him to follow up with his mum after to see if she likes it rather than checking if it's ok first.
He's a bit of a man child and it's all his mother's doing. She's the same with FIL, she panders to his every need. Both he and his brother don't know how to cook/ wash clothes etc. Don't get me wrong, I've made him try. But he's utterly useless at anything domestic as his mummy has always done it for him.
I have a DS and fully intend to teach him how to be independent the same as his older sister.

Sorry that you're experiencing this OP! I had this with my exP when I was pregnant and it was so draining. He would even have meals there most nights after work. She wasn't elderly and was in very good health. Had plenty of friends and other family around her. I only have daily contact with my DM because she cares for my daughter a lot when I work nights. Other than that I don't really speak to my parents more than a few times a week and I think that's pretty normal! I don't know anyone that is in constant contact with a parent

Oh come on-he could learn to cook/wash clothes/leave his mum undisterbed on holiday if he wanted to.

He can read? He can hold down s job? He can cook, he just hasn’t really tried. Don't get me wrong, I've made him try. But he's utterly useless at anything domestic as his mummy has always done it for him.

My dhs had never cooked. I didn’t make him ‘try’ , I made him cook. Meals that tasted good not just food.

Don't get me wrong, I've made him try. But he's utterly useless at anything domestic as his mummy has always done it for him.

Sounds like he doesnt put any effort into these trying attempts, if he can follow instructions at work he could follow instructions in a simple cookbook.
he's got you and his mum to cook for him, he must be laughing! Stop washing his clothes, he'd soon pull his finger out and "learn" how to bung washing in a washing machine.