Psychotherapist, counsellor, coach etc - need advice please!

[CocoC]

Hi everyone,
I feel unhappy and confused about things, and have reached the point where I feel I need some sort of counselling to help me think more clearly, but I am not sure what type to choose, and would appreciate any advice from people who have been in the same situation.
I was ambitious and doing well in my career until I had my DC (marketing director of a large company, on board of directors etc). Then, when I went on second maternity leave I was completely sidelined (my job was given to someone else). When I came back I was shunted onto ‘project’ type work which I can (just about) talk up externally, but which have little value or interest in the company I work in.
As a result, for the past few years (this happened in 2014) I no longer enjoy my work, and in fact am miserable going in to the office. Am now doing work which is far more junior than I did previously, now find myself taking orders from people who used to report into me; and the fact I have been in the company a long time and am still ‘hanging around’ is being held against me– all this has massively affected my confidence and self-esteem and I now just feel generally totally rubbish about myself. A month ago I went to see my boss and said I wanted to ‘lean back in’ and be considered for a ‘proper role’ (not actually true but I thought maybe I would be less miserable if I had to work more, but in a job which I enjoyed) but he basically said it was going to be very difficult (‘ once you step off the field it’s very difficult to step back on’), and in his opinion I should ‘take back control of my career and leave’!
If I did not have children I would have left ages ago. But what has kept me there was the fact the office is a relatively short commute away (30mns), and especially that once I was put on the project work, they let me work 3.5 days per week (though these are fairly long days – I don’t get home till 7pm and usually work a bit more after kids in bed) – and I am well aware that if I go anywhere new I will end up having to work 5 days, which I don’t want (my kids are still only 7, 5 and 3).
So basically it has got to the point where I don’t know what to do. I have obviously been in touch with recruitment companies/headhunters, but this hasn’t led to much, and a part of me is so disillusioned with office politics that I fantasize about doing something completely different (cue wild thoughts about various other, totally unrelated and probably unsuitable careers)…
In this sort of situation, does anyone know whether is it better to go to a career coach, to try and improve my chances of getting a job, or first go to a psychotherapist to sort my head out and see a bit more clearly? Does it really help? (I feel I have thought about this so much, without getting anywhere, I almost don’t see how it could help).
If anyone has been in a similar sort of situation, I would love to hear from them and get some advice. I end up crying most evenings and I think about all this all the time, yet can’t seem to find a way out – and in the meantime life is ticking by and I know it will be even harder in a few years time if I keep drifting like this.
Thanks so much

You don't need to pay a fortune to have someone hear your thoughts and reflect them back to you.
You know that a 30 minute commute and a 3.5 day week are hard to reconcile with a high-flying marketing director role, so the question is:
"What do you want, Cococ?"

I guess that's the thing, isn't it... I don't know what I want - I want it all, a job I can be proud of (and where I don't feel like sh** and a failure), AND to enjoy my children and not just see them on a screensaver.
So I oscillate wildly between wanting to just give up work altogether, or ramping up work again to try and find something I enjoy and don't come home depressed from the office.
Anyone been in a similar situation? Any tips on being able to work out what it is you want? (deep down, it's the children but it seems to be right now that I have to chose between what's best for them and my self-esteem....).
Thanks!

I think we all want it all and it is a bugger to reconcile. You have my sympathies x

I suspect Alpha females always have this dilemma as we want to be good in every aspect of our lives. I struggle with it all myself. I definitely think you should leave your job and try a new position as just that challenge would be enough to give you some fire in your loins. Also your job kind of “let you down” ( in your mind) so you might be happier starting afresh.

Could you start up your own business?

It is really difficult. I can imagine exactly how you feel as I've had some somewhat similar experiences of doing work that's far more junior since having DC. I've had to try and decide between career and good salary but long hours versus low salary and time at home. I haven't got it right yet and as I get older it's becoming even more of a challenge.

I think you need to get out. The truth is it will only get more difficult to get a decent job the older you get. Don't sit there wasting this time. It's not acceptable to sideline you simply because you have a family and your talent is going to waste. This company is not the place for you.

I don't think counselling is the answer. You feel under valued because of your job. Perhaps a career coach could help but I have no experience.

Set yourself a goal of getting a new job in X amount of time and focus on it. Even if it's a fulltime job you may be able to negotiate some flexibility or working from home.

I would talk to an HR consultant that know their stuff. They gave your job to someone else whilst on maternity leave? They demote you because you had maternity leave? The boos tells you to leave because there is no career progression?
Then a job is a means to an end. (for the moment) use them to bring in the money. Meanwhile network with the marketing community to either start up as a consultant or to network for other opportunities within marketing. When you are ready either new position or consultancy business set up, then move out and up. As a marketer you know you are better working from the inside than out.
Like your boss said 'take control of your career' do it using their money.
As for your self esteem being linked to your status, it would seem reasonable to chat to a therapist.
Clear the battleground, create a plan that is about you
HTH

I was in a similar situation, eventually accepted my career had ground to a halt. I was able to take early retirement and I have to say, 10 years down the line, my career and the associated angst seems amazingly unimportant.

Try and break down your wants and needs to a more fundamental level. "I don't know what I want - I want it all, a job I can be proud of." A job to me is more of a way of satisfying a need - for money, for self esteem through status and/or achievement, for learning, for variety and interest, for challenge, etc. So what are your needs? What needs are being satisfied by your job? What other ways might there be of satisfying those needs?

I finally settled for sticking with the job to provide money, and autonomy and variety of work by doing consultant-style work, and working form home. And I satisfied my need for self-esteem through voluntary work and involvement in community organisations (most organisations are very welcoming of anyone who's prepared to be Secretary or Treasurer). It worked for me. Doesn't mean to say it would work for you. You may conclude that you want more of your needs to be satisfied by your job, and that looks unlikely to happen at your current place.

What I found hugely useful at various stage of my life was a 1970s book called "Build your own Rainbow" by Barry Hopson and Mike Scally - takes you through a number of exercises to help you think about what is important in your life and where you want to be in the next few years. It's still available, from Wordery a £10 and Amazon at £13.