How to stop being a hermit

[HermitageAndSabotage]

I’ve suffered from depression.
I’m ashamed of my very messy house.
I’m ashamed that I ‘peaked in high school’;
I got great grades and was popular, also did well at Uni but I got pregnant at 22 by an abusive waste of space.

I found the courage to leave him but ended up with someone in a wheelchair who also managed to be serially unfaithful. DS is now 16, I have no career and can’t leave, everyone will think I’m a monster abandoning lovely Bob in his wheelchair.

I’ve been to therapy and I’m on antidepressants.

My issue is that I cut people off. I do volunteering, I meet lovely people who also volunteer. They invite me out for a drink or whatever and I just ignore the message.

Several years ago my cousin invited me to a meal, she cooked something lovely and I just didn’t turn up. She was understandably annoyed and is now NC.

Sometimes I apologise but it always ends up with me in the same rut and people getting fed up. I’ve told some of them I’m depressed but it wears a little thin.

I hate being so lonely and I feel so awful being rude to lovely people and hurting them with my silences.

Has anyone come out of this? Am I destined to be a hermit? DP and I live separate lives mainly. The only people I talk to are mumsnetters really and ds.

I have awful anxiety socially and often feel like people either don't like me / I've said the wrong things. It's a very very hard feeling to fight.

I am getting better at it. I challenged myself to say yes to one thing about 2 years ago. Just one thing. I did it via text and did everything I could to make myself comfortable (did my hair, nice outfit, thought of things to say). And I went. It was a 1 hour coffee & catch up.

The more you do it the easier it becomes. The hardest bit my a million miles is saying the first yes and following it through.

Do you have an invite you could say yes to? We can support you through it!

I’ve got some friends I was meant to meet for the weekend. I’m actually double booked :-(

I’ve paid for the one and the other is a weekend party I haven’t responded to. I really like them but I know I make it worse by not answering.

Thank you for being kind.

That sounds so difficult, and I am sorry your cousin wasn’t sympathetic. Luckily people are starting to understand mental health issues.

You over think things and worry too much about what other people think. You know that, bit it’s a hard habit to break. You get stuck in a loop of self doubt and blow up little things into huge embarrassments.

If your other half is being unfaithful and you want to leave him, do it. People will probably not think much about it, people separate all the time. Or they might think how did she put up with him for so long. I doubt anyone will think he is lovely just because he happens to be in a wheelchair.

Take care of yourself and your son. Try and get some counselling. Take it all one day at time. It will be ok and you will be great.

Better everyone think your a tosser than having to live with one. But in all seriousness I’ve known people leave their partners when they’ve become disabled and haven’t thought bad of them. I’ve known people have relationships when their partner has gone into long term care due to dementia and haven’t thought bad of them. Maybe stop focusing on what other people feel about things and deal with your feelings about them.

maybe try and change one small thing at once - like you say you're ashamed of your messy house - just start off small, set 10 or 15 minutes just to do a few simple things, do that a few times a day, it soon adds up and makes a difference.

about the weekend, try to get in contact to explain, even if you can't make both, or either of them.

good luck with everything. it sounds difficult, and maybe trying to combat the depression is the main underlying thing that could make a difference.

are there any hobbies outside of the house you could get involved with? something you truly enjoy.

You've had over 16 years of being trained to stay silent and erase yourself.
If you start to talk its all going to come out and you will leave lovely philanderer Bob.

Dont quit on yourself, go for counselling and start talking.

You poor girl. Lots of people make bad choices in life so you're not alone. Doesn't mean it's all over for you because you are still young.

Do try to make a life for yourself independent of husband and son, study something that interests you and/or a hobby. Have times when you really do please yourself. Now is the start of your new life! Good luck.