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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Worried DH fancies someone else

25 replies

ninetenths · 15/11/2018 20:30

Hi all

Just after some reassurance really

I am a bit worried my DH fancies a younger colleague of his at work. I am not really sure why, apart from they seem quite close and he is always joking around with her, and they seem to have a lot of banter. She also does anything he asks, which he massively takes advantage of and is always asking her to do his work!

He hasn't done anything else wrong or to suggest any wrongdoing or affair though. Am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:
SuchAToDo · 15/11/2018 20:35

So your husband gets along with a work colleague and the colleague does things your husband asks for and it equals your husband fancying her?

If the work colleague was a man would you still think the same? That your husband fancied the man because they got along so well?

Teagoanngoanngoann · 15/11/2018 20:40

Maybe he does fancy her or he is flattered by the attention she is showing him but it dosent necessarily mean he will follow through with anything else. As long as you both trust each other then hopefully thats all you need. If its really bugging you just tell him and say you know nothing will happen because u trust him but its making you feel jealous and ask him what he can do to help stop you feeling like this. Maybe you just need reassurance that u r both still ok x

Jungster · 15/11/2018 20:46

How do you know this? Do you work wiht him and you have to witness it (with people knowing you're together!? - cringe)

Or has he told you? Or is it obvious from the way he brings her in to conversation unnecessarily/?

Instead of berating yourself for feeling insecure, paranoid and ignored I would say to him ''you so obviously enjoy her company that it feels like a rejection of me. Please try to redirect your romantic focus back towards me as it's very disrespectful to our relationship to be jeopardising it by paying her so much attention at my expense''.

Or something along those lines. I don't recommend ignoring it. Put him on notice that he is ''jeopardising your relationship'' and put him on notice that you see it as a lack of respect for you and your relationship with him.

Kukumbr · 15/11/2018 20:52

Do you work with your DH?

EmeraldShamrock · 15/11/2018 20:52

They may click with banter, but not want to rip each others clothes off.
Unless you have another reason to suspect an affair was in the making, I would ignore this.
I have often got on very well with married male colleagues. I have never had sex with any of them.
DP gets on well with female colleagues some more than others and that is totally fine.

Original poster
ninetenths · 15/11/2018 20:55

Sorry yes i do work with him, I haven't exactly seen a lot of it myself though, but there is talk of it in the office, certainly that she does everything he asks, and he even jokes about it sometimes, I have heard him on the phone asking her to do things, or if someone else is on the phone to her he will ask them to get her to do stuff. People have commented to be how flirty they are :/

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 15/11/2018 20:58

Crushes come and crushes go
It’s Ok to have a crush
Not to act on it

catography · 15/11/2018 20:58

I'm about to get married, and I'm genuinely wondering if I'm abnormal for trusting my DP because of posts like this.

I'm also a PA, I do everything my colleagues ask because it's my fucking job, and I'm flirty by nature. I'm not having an affair with anyone.

Calm down.

Laiste · 15/11/2018 20:58

Other people noticing and mentioning it to you would bother me.

Apart from anything else it comes across as unprofessional from him and disrespectful to you.

Steakandkidney · 15/11/2018 21:01

That sounds humiliating OP, I'm sorry.
I suggest you sit him down and tell him to stop it immediately, and remind him how he would feel if you were fawning and embarrassing yourself over a man in the office.
To have other people notice suggests it is inappropriate and not a subjecting feeling. That means he is making you look a fool and is totally disrespecting you.
It is a horrible feeling when your DH fancies someone else, but it is natural and happens. To be so obvious however is either him being a bit of a dick or bordering into emotional affair territory in plain view. I would not let this drop.

SilverDoe · 15/11/2018 21:03

I’d be more concerned tbh about your husband acting like a huge dick getting this young girl to do so much of his work for him - how mean if him :( and it must be a lot of his work if the office are talking about it. It’s not making him sound very competent or professional

Steakandkidney · 15/11/2018 21:06

I'm flirty by nature
No, you are flirty by choice. You can be friendly, without flirting.
This kind of comment is synonymous with women who only have men as friends, because they 'just don't get on with women'.

puzzledlady · 15/11/2018 21:06

Is she his PA? If not you’re husband is being a massive dick and I hope she drags him to HR for using her. He’s just getting her to do stuff because she a young girl and impressionable?

And get a grip - they are colleagues who get on well. Not everyone who talks to their colleagues wants to tear each other’s clothes off you know?? I think he’s just thinking a young girl is doing his dirty work and he’s getting a stroked ego.

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/11/2018 21:09

Nope, if people are commenting how flirty they are then it’s gone beyond matey colleagues having a laugh and getting on.

It’s insulting to you. Him bragging about the fact that he can get her to do whatever he wants leads inevitably to the (unspoken) suggestion that she’d sleep with him if he wanted.

I’d be irritated that a boundary had been crossed. I think he’s being disrespectful to you.

Steakandkidney · 15/11/2018 21:11

But puzzled all the colleagues have commented on their flirting. He is the one who should get a grip and stop humiliating his wife. If he wants to piss about flirting at work he should find a job somewhere where his wife doesn't work. Totally disrespectful and if it were my husband he'd have his arse handed to him on a plate.

catography · 15/11/2018 21:14

@Steakandkidney okay let me rephrase. I'm a friendly person and that I don't stop being friendly because someone is married. Or because I am married. It's called banter and I suspect you probably don't get it.

And, weirdly, all of my best friends are girls. I don't really have any boyfriends.Girls and boys can be friends without banging uglies FYI.

LewisMam · 15/11/2018 21:19

It’s fine to have a crush on someone. The important thing is to make sure it stays as a crush and know when to distance yourself if necessary. I totally have a crush on next door’s gardener but I’m not going to run off with him, I just peer out of the window and occasionally say hi over the fence. It’s by no means an affair. The crush I had on my guitar teacher was altogether more dangerous though. So I stopped having guitar lessons.

Your DH’s situation is tricky because he can’t physically avoid this colleague. So he needs to back off emotionally and be polite but professional and impersonal. No more banter. Avoid at lunchtime etc. It sounds like it’s going too far and he needs to pull back. And he definitely shouldn’t be offloading his work onto her, that’s terrible!

Steakandkidney · 15/11/2018 21:25

Catography,
I wasn't having a go at all, and suspect what you are referring to is different. I suspect you wouldn't act in a way where if you were working for a man and his wife worked in the building, then your behaviour was causing the office to comment how much you wanted to please him, and how flirty both of you were? I think the OP's reference to flirting is basically that they are suggestive to each other that they like each other.
Whilst in an office context flirtiness/friendliness is usual within the context-as I believe you are describing-what the OP's husband is doing is embarrassing and below the belt. What you are referring to is that everyone knows there's nothing in it, you're married etc. I presume you see the difference and bet your future husband wouldn't feel uncomfortable with it because he knows you are being harmless? The OP doesn't feel that way.
I

WhyAmISoCold · 15/11/2018 21:29

I'd be more annoyed by a man taking the piss by getting a young woman to do his fucking work for him, and encouraging others to do the same. Real prize there.

TORDEVAN · 15/11/2018 21:52

Do you trust him?

I don't think it sounds harmful, but if you are concerned can you speak to him? Maybe he hasn't clocked what he's doing / how it will look / how he may be viewed as using the girl.

IHopeThisIsAGoodIdea · 15/11/2018 22:10

She might fancy him and he's taking advantage of that by getting her to do his work. He sounds like a lazy user arse...are you sure you want to keep him?

catography · 15/11/2018 23:32

@Steakandkidney I probably over reacted and I'm probably being overly sensitive so I'm sorry. I'm bored of being called a 'cool wife' just because I'm okay with my OH flirting/fancying other people. I just trust him.

OP, just talk to him. The internet can't tell you the answer, he can. Or his reactions can. Just keep in mind that people can fancy other people without cheating. Other people I. Your office shouldn't be talking about your relationship, because it's YOURS, not theirs.

Eliza9917 · 15/11/2018 23:50

Are the people commenting on it to you shit stirrers?

Kukumbr · 17/11/2018 14:57

Ask him outright!

Maelstrop · 17/11/2018 15:16

Flirting with her despite you being in the same workplace?! He's a wanker, particularly if it's generating gossip.

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