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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel disappointed that a family crisis is delaying my DP sorting out his divorce?

7 replies

PaintballWizzard · 15/11/2018 19:24

For a variety of reasons DP only started to pursue a divorce in the summer. It will should hopefully be two years separation with consent. The two years is up but they need to sort finances. No kids, so nothing too difficult to resolve.

Basically he's avoidant when it comes to her as he feels guilty etc. etc. but for the past few months he's been getting on with it. They're trying to agree things between themselves without too much involvement from solicitors. Trouble is she's recently gone quiet on him, not responding to emails or agreeing a time to meet to finalise some stuff and for him to collect the last of his things from the house (e.g. sports gear and old photos that are in the loft).

A couple of weeks ago a huge family crisis blew up on his side (she doesn't know this) which is understandably taking all his time and emotional energy. I totally understand that is his focus and supporting him is my focus but...

...today I've started to think how the divorce could all have been sorted by now if he'd got on with it before. I told him way back (from bitter experience) that these things always take longer than you think they will and that was without this bombshell landing in the middle of it. I'm just feeling a bit sad about it all.

I also feel a bit of a cow for feeling this way because this crisis is totally out of the blue and is rightly taking precedence.

OP posts:
TheTroublesomestTribble · 15/11/2018 21:41

If he wanted to make his divorce a priority, he would.

2 years separation is very little in reality...

Gazelda · 15/11/2018 22:01

I get that it would be preferable for you if he were divorced. And it shouldn't be too difficult if there aren't any children and they both agree to the divorce.
But does it really matter right now? Is there a pressing hurry?
He's had a marriage breakdown, moved home, started a new relationship and had a major family crisis - all within 24 months. Maybe he's a bit overwhelmed?

paintinmyhairAgain · 15/11/2018 22:10

how long have you been together ?

IHopeThisIsAGoodIdea · 15/11/2018 22:14

Why does he feel guilty about her?

JanetLovesJason · 15/11/2018 22:19

YABU.

  1. Just as ex doesn’t know about his family crisis, you don’t know what might be causing his ex to go quiet
  2. A crisis is a crisis. You drop everything else and deal with the first
  3. Untangling a serious relationship takes time and it’s emotionally draining. If either of them needs to pause to gather their strength or just have a few days to forget that their marriage failed and is ending in divorce and like, go Xmas shopping with friends cos it’s a bit less soul destroying, that’s their call.
  4. Sounds like it’s fairly civilised so far, sometime’s not rushing things is what keeps it civilized. People get a chance to deal with their feelings as they arise, not bottle them up and explode later.
CottonTailRabbit · 15/11/2018 22:24

Why does it matter so much?

PaintballWizzard · 16/11/2018 12:16

all within 24 months - to be clear, they've been officially separated i.e. he moved out, for over 3 years.

He feels guilty because he left her, she wanted him back, she didn't (maybe still doesn't?) want to get divorced, she was very dependent on him (10 years younger and were together 20 years), she 'did nothing wrong' the relationship just stopped being what he wanted.

We've been together two and a half years, are both mid 50's and would like to be able to live together when the time is right, which we won't be able to do till he's divorced as I don't want to be financially connected to a man who is married to someone else.

It's not about his ex going quiet and I'm absolutely not criticising him for dropping everything for what is an emotionally draining family crisis.

I just couldn't help feeling disappointed that the timeline for the divorce will inevitably be impacted when if he'd pursued it sooner then it could've been done and dusted by now (which is my prerogative). But, he wasn't ready (which is his prerogative) so that's that, it is what it is.

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