To be annoyed by people who criticise how you spend your money

[LadyRenoir]

As a student, I worked part time as a waitress, so by no means I was rich. I put all the money I could into rent and food, but I had a monthly treat of a takeaway sushi in a really lovely little place. One day I met a woman a woman from work in front of the place and she tagged along (what for, I don't know). As I picked the food up she made a comment that I must be quite well off to be able to afford such 'delicacies'. And it really annoyed me, as although I know she was in a difficult financial situation (she escaped her abusive husband and was a single mum of a teenage son on a shitty KP wage), she also smoked 3 packets of cigarettes a day, which yearly amounted to a lot more than my monthly takeaway.

Fast forward a few years, I'm in a job that pays relatively well, but nothing super amazing. I ordered myself some nice makeup which I had to have delivered to work, as my local RM depot is in a middle of some Bermuda triangle, always closed when I'm off work. I was curious, so sitting in my corner, minding my own business, I took out the bits to have a look, and then of course a vulture sitting behind me came up to have a look and started really loudly commenting that I must be very well off to be able to afford such expensive makeup. It actually made me feel really embarrassed. I am not embarrassed to buy things, but to be made look like someone really spendy. Which I may/may not be, but it's no one's business.I don't go around asking how much people spend on their drinks/food/uber on a Friday night, or how much their shoes are, or how much they splurged on their new phone/laptop/whatever else.

I spoke to her later and said I didnt appreciate her remark, as she had already made a comment on my clothes I got for my birthday a while ago, and made me feel like I need to justify how I spend my money. She kind of seemed like she thought I was making a big deal out of nothing.

We have the same salary. I don't drive, so no car expenses, I don't drink or go out much. People from work go for extended drinks sessions on Friday, I don't partake. I don't smoke, and I don't have many other stuff I spend my money on.

Now I know everyone's financial situation is different, and I feel grateful I can allow myself to buy nice things every once in a while. But it really pisses me off that people can't just help sticking their noses into other people's business and need to measure expenditures by what they think is worth spending money on, and being almost thirty I am made to feel I somehow need to justify my spendings.

Anyhow, rant over.

You are right, you don't have to justify how you spend your money to anyone. She seems to have touched a nerve though.

I'd have just laughed and said something like, "Hardly! I just enjoy treating myself to nice make-up occasionally. Do you have any little luxuries you like to treat yourself to?" and volia, a conversation opens up. Although since you referred to her as a vulture (typo??) I'm guessing you don't want a conversation with her.

I agree with you, OP, it is really bloody rude. I had a friend that did this all the time, even going as far as making some nasty little digs on FB that had all my friends going "WTF?". Until I had a quiet word with her and pointed out that despite my so-called shopaholic habits, I wasn't the one up to my neck in debt and borrowing from family every month. Funny, that. She has since wound her neck in. I think sometimes money worries wear people down so much they become hyper sensitive to other people's spending and quite bitter. I had an acquaintance that was deepening into a friendship until she started her own business, re-mortgaged her flat and took on some huge debts to fund start up costs. She got very bitchy toward me as well, even going as far as having a go at me for spoiling my kids at a lunch I was paying for, as a treat for her! She got ghosted - couldn't be arsed.

Just say "well i don't drink, smoke or have a car - so yes, i treat myself to some nice make up or something every so often."

Eurgh I get this too. A colleague was struggling to buy essentials and insisted on coming shopping with me and wasn't impressed that I spent £25 on a face mask. My money, my business!

I got absolutely dragged on Facebook when I posted about having my oven cleaned. It’s done once a year and costs me £50. But that makes me lazy and I’m wasting money.

The best strategy is Ignore and Don't Respond.

Someone I work with is like that, she always asks how much my stuff cost so she can scream in horror about how she could never afford it. We earn the same. She was a bit disappointed when it got cold this year and I wore the same coat and boots as last year and the year before, heaven forbid the investment could have paid off!

Curls and curves I'm getting my oven cleaned in the new year for the first time. Money well spent if you ask me!

You sound really touchy actually. Why do you feel judged and like you have to justify? Why not just say you appreciate nice make up.

@Strugglingtodomybest
Its not that she touched a nerve, as I am not ashamed of spending whatever I spent on my shopping, just thought it was not in the best tone. I am a private person and I dont wave my belongings around heralding how much they cost. I think it was more of a general observation why people think they have a right to butt into other peoples finances unsolicited, regardless on what one spends money on. Another colleague had the same situation with her holiday she saved up money for for 3 years, she wasn`t even banging on about it although it was amazing, she just mentioned where she went and she still got the "Oh I wish I had as much money as you" type of stuff. My workplace is just very clicky, judgemental and gossipy.

Yet you sound quite judgemental about people spending their own money on drink and cigarettes

@museumum
I actually think people expect you to justify yourself when they say such comments. I cant see why anyone would want to comment on other persons, unless they wanted them to feel bad in one way or another.
If I came up to you and said in a suitable tone "Wow, you must like spending money if you can afford paying this much for x, y or z"- it would be judgmental.

I think it is often that people who can't do without drink or cigarettes see it as a necessity and completely forget how much it is actually costing them when they harp on at others who can afford luxuries BECAUSE they don't drink or smoke. I bought myself a horse many years ago, I spent all my disposable income on keeping her fit and well and my parents were really sneery about the money spent on her, constantly making remarks like, "Wish we had money like that to waste." Of course, having enough money to be drunk by 9pm on a work day and all day at the weekend is free!

Not saying everyone who likes a drink or a cigarette is like my parents by the way, they are judgemental, bitter alcoholics!

If you are that private, it's really best not to open purchases whilst at work - then you won't risk having to discuss them. Problem solved.

duchessstabby you must spend it on a bench

@UtterlyDesperate, this was an example. And might've I'm weird, but if someone opens a parcel or a letter I don't feel like running up and looking at the receipt of what they got.
@WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup, on the contrary, if people want to spend money on smoking and drinks, it's not my business to criticise them. But just pointing out these amount to a lot yearly for some people, who later moan they can't afford something you got, and that's not on.

some people are judgmental though my parents neighbours think they are ridiculous for buying organic meat from local butcher each week and going out for coffee at garden centre twice a week and think my Dad's pension must be huge ( it isn't as its fixed due to collapse of company scheme he gets the same each month as 15 years ago) but think going to Bingo once a week and having wine delivered by the box could not possibly be thought of as being discretionary spends spends a different way

I can sort of see it from the point of view of the person really struggling to make basic ends meet but it is difficult for the smoker to logically criticise the makeup buyer or holiday goer as the cost of cigarettes per year would equate to these other things easily

@TeacupDrama, exactly. As u said, I feel genuinely grateful to be in a position not to struggle. I used to work with vulnerable young adults, and it's hard to see poverty some of them came from.

But what I was thinking here was more along the lines of people having similar disposable income, spending it one way, and yet being judgemental that other people spend their money on something, whatever this something may be, they consider of no value.
Ok, you can be judgemental at home, I couldn't care less, but I'm bothered by the loud barging in and the fact people whom I don't even know that well think they have a right or even some sort of moral obligation to let you know they don't approve how you spend your money.

Oh, I agree with you completely - it shouldn't be down to you to manage other people's behaviour: I get parcels delivered to work too, but as I am also very private, I don't open them until I get home, although I wouldn't dream of commenting on someone else's shopping, because I know not everyone was brought up being told (constantly...) that it's "rude to comment". It was advice on how to avoid being in the situation, not criticism - but reading it back, I can see it came over as snippy - sorry