Dh can’t cope when ds is ill

[RobertDeNiro]

And it drives me fucking crazy. He is an amazing dad the rest of the time, literally spends every waking second he can with ds, absolutely dotes on him.

But ds has some health problems and when he gets recurring infections linked to his asthma it’s hard work with lots of inhalers and medicines and dr visits and disturbed sleep. Dh works long hours and has a long journey and is tired a lot so I get that the stress of the illness is a lot on top of that, but this morning he got up, I said hi and he ignored me. He then sat in the living room and when ds coughed he said ‘oh for fucks sake’. I said to him you can’t swear because ds is coughing, you’re making him feel bad about being ill, and dh said it’s not ds’ fault it’s just so stressful, we’ve got a whole winter of it and it’s too much. And then swore again. Ds is standing right next to me.

I said how would you like it if I kept huffing and swearing when you were coughing the other week and he said that’s different because it’s less stressful when an adult is ill.

I told him he should go in to work if he is going to be in a grump all day. He went off to the bedroom and shut the door. Ds went up the stairs and was sitting there on the landing not knowing what to do. I went up to the bedroom, opened the door and told him that shutting the door is sending the message that he doesn’t want to be disturbed which isn’t fair on ds. He said I just thought I should get out the way, I said well you didn’t need to shut the door did you. So then we had a back and forth about how he is always in a filthy grump whenever ds is ill and it’s stressful and unfair to ds. He was making out I was having a go at him unfairly. So now he has stomped off to the shower and I’m in the kitchen trying to stave off a panic attack. I grew up in an abusive household and I can’t bear anything that might make ds unhappy. Things have been so stressful in my life (with other stuff as well as this) lately that I feel like I’m clinging on by my fingernails.

I’ve not really looked at it that we must stay together for the sake of ds, or that things I say might set off dh, it’s more that I don’t want there being an unhappy atmosphere for ds. I’m terrified of messing his life up and him being unhappy.

facing it is essential. it wont go away.you know that.the longer you refuse to accept it the tighter a hold it gains.You can do this. youve already started by opening up on here. Life isnt always easy,love yourself enough to face that you can avoid and prevent it all falling like the cards. you dont have to crash..wobbilings ok.it happens...xx

My DH is rarely ever sick but he cares for our son equally through an emergency csection birth, weeks in NICU,home on oxygen and constantly sick and surgeries. Devestatibg handicaps. (Cerebral palsy and non verbal uses wheel chair) Parenting isn’t always fun but that’s what happens when you decide to have a child. I know not every parent could go through what we have and remain strong in their relationships however your son has asthma-so common and with effective treatment his life can be great and he can achieve his life goals. Some children even outgrow lung disease-our son did! I have had severe asthma my whole life and I am very well controlled. A child’s lungs are still developing until age eight. Good luck. Your husband needs to go to a counselor to learn better coping techniques and anger management otherwise your son will have irreparable emotional damage.

Oh, RobertDeNiro, I want to give you a hug. (Sorry, vipers)
I thought on reading your title that your DP fell to pieces with worry when your DS was ill. Nope. He gets angry and stomps around. Is that appropriate? And arguments start between you, or the atmosphere is tense. Why? Is he worried about DS's health or is he fed up that you will have less time to pander to him if you are caring for DS? Sounds more like a selfish strop than concern to me.
Poor DS will feel that it is all his fault that Mum and Dad are having a barney.
That does not mean that you should go along with anything for a quiet life, it means that you should think very hard about the environment your DS is living in. He will already be picking up your tension.
Quote from psychologist - 'I'd sooner be FROM a broken home rather than LIVING in one.'
Think about it.

Hi sometimes my DH can get short and snappy usually when he is stressed and has too much on at work , trying to cram too much in and also when he was in a lot of pain waiting for an operation. Is there anything like that affecting your DH and could he make some lifestyle changes to try and reduce his stress if he realises how it is affecting you and DS? Could he be depressed and undiagnosed? Maybe he should also go to doc or see a counsellor.

I think it’s the disturbed sleep that sends him crackers. He also is a major hypochondriac so isn’t good with illness in general, but he does do everything like ds’ inhaler etc. It just seems to stress him out.

@mumontherun14 yes I have thought he’s depressed for a long time but he won’t see a dr or a therapist. Which is infuriating.

Does your husband understand how important it is for your DS to manage his asthma, be well and crucially NEVER feel unable to tell either of you when he’s unwell? It’s not ‘just asthma’ - it’s not going anywhere and it worries me that he would be dismissive of it as ‘just a cough’ that’s annoying him when actually he needs to get to a doctor ASAP.

YANBU and your DH needs to stop taking your son’s ill health so personally.

Your DH is being unreasonable, but don't let everyone on here convince you into thinking that hes an evil, abusive man if you know he's not. You know your relationship better than they do, if you feel like something is "wrong" then of course act on it - also getting a mental health check sounds good if you think you need that.

Could he be stressed at the thought of something serious occurring with DS, if you say he has had health problems - perhaps his reactions are coming from a bit of fear of something bad happening to your DS? Not giving this as an excuse, just trying to balance the argument a bit because you are right, we do all have flaws.

However it is a little concerning that you feel you stiffen up in his presence, I don't think that's healthy. Like I said though, we are all merely strangers on the internet and you are the only one know has the ability to see both sides.

I have two children both of them had chronic asthma throughout their childhoods, my exDH often reacted in the same way as yours does to their relentless coughing and so did I, but I only ever said it in my head. I know it isn't great to even think it but there were times when I was just so exhausted from caring for them that I thought thoughts I am ashamed of. I did all the hospital appointments and all of the hospital stays, the ex knows nothing of their medical history. It was a cop-out on his part to feel that he didn't need to because I did it all. Like you, I was unhappy and walked round on eggshells not wanting to upset the apple cart but in retrospect it was the wrong thing to do, I should've confronted his attitude towards their illness and his approach to stress (ex was very stressed as he was running a small, failing business), we were both guilty of not saying things that needed to be said and to an extent, we both ignored the problems that we had.

All relationships have their flaws and they are always a work in progress to some extent but the longer things are left unsaid the harder they are to say .

@witchofwisteria yes I think there’s a bit of hating seeing him unwell and feeling distressed by it, I can see that from things he’s said before. He panic about illness and flaps about sorting it out ASAP. He lives in fear of illness and is a massive germophobe. He watched his dad die of sudden liver cancer and it was both terrifying and awful. It started then. I think there’s also that he is a very stressy anxious person who should really be on anti anxiety meds.

I think dealing with a sudden illness in a loved one can be traumatic for anyone. My friends daughter was very ill suddenly when she was young and she nearly died and my friend really now struggles whenever she is ill and has whipped her into A&e quite a few times for things that are quite minor but I can understand her anxiety and she just needs reassurance that things are not as bad as that last time.

However the way your DH speaks to you and the language he uses are not acceptable. As I said my DH can be a bit snappy under stress but over the years he has learned to recognise it and develop strategies to manage it like making lifestyle changes or seeking help at times.

If I was you I would choose a good time and sit down both of you and try and calmly talk about what is happening and how you are both feeling really honestly as he needs to realise that he needs to try and change his ways as its not an environment you are happy for your son to grow up in

xxx