To think I need to be more reserved and less friendly?

[malificent7]

I have been treated badly and bullied in the past and as a result I am wary of people. Trouble is I'm also very chatty....I think I get nervous and try to make friends the ' normal way by being friendly.

I just started uni and I have made some good friends in lectures but I have tried being friendly with my work group and have given up as they just sit on their phones. I even heard 2 of the lads talk about me in their native tongue.

Aibu to think that next time I meet a group of people I shall be as reserved as they are and stare at my phone?

I don't tell people my life story but I do try to make connections by asking questions.

I think people see friendliness as weakness and prefer a more aloof approach so they don't get hurt. I should be the same but I get nervous.

I read the bullied at uni thread and whilst I don't think I'm being bullied at all it struck a cord.

Sadly I think you have to be.

Keep an eye out for kindred spirits though!

Some people just don’t want to make friends. That’s up to them. Many are open to a friendly approach- some will take that to actual friendship and some will keep it at that level, just friendly colleagues.

Perhaps you have had slightly too high hopes or expectations in the past. Real friendships take a very lon time to be established. Many people do mistake being friendly with someone with being friends.

I learned this the hard way when I got sick and had to leave work very suddenly. It hasn’t altered my outlook much.

You started uni late September/early October? It's only mid November - this is not a very long time to have made good friends or to write off every one else. Are you reading too much into this? As someone else said, proper friendship takes time

You need to be yourself. If being chatty is you, then do that. Some people will want to look at their phones - that is them. You don't have to be friends with them, just collaborate sufficiently to do the work required as a group.

If you try to be someone else or adopt other behaviours to make some kind of point, you'll come across as false (and probably also quite odd).

If you are keen to socialise more, then I'd suggest starting with some uni societies/clubs for whatever interests you (sports/hobbies/drama//etc)aseople often join those to make friends and you are usually doing something as part of a team/group so it is a more natural way to get to know people

I still will be quite open because I've met lovely people that way.

But I don't waste time on rude buggers like those in your group. Often people liked that do respect coldness more. They may be good to practice your "professional" demeanor on! Since at some point I assume you will need to communicate for work?

Try to do exactly what they do for a while. If they continue as they are, then they probably weren't actively trying to be rude. If they suddenly try to engage you in conversation, then they'll have realised they were rude and will be embarrassed. It's up to you if you give them a chance in this case!

Good luck - stuff like this sounds small but does affect people hugely.

I think people see friendliness as weakness and prefer a more aloof approach so they don't get hurt. On the other hand, if people pick up that the other person is being untrusting, then they're less be helpful and sharing themselves. Somewhere in the middle there's a point where you can be open and friendly without driving people away because you're trying too hard.

Do you ask questions purely as a technique to create a friendship, or because you're interested in the answers?

It's a bit odd that because you haven't clicked with your work group, you've read-up on bullying at university, almost as if you expect to be bullied. You can't be friends with everyone, and some people aren't at university to make friends, lots have social anxiety, etc.
Perhaps stop analysing and overthinking each interaction, and just be in the moment for a bit?
Friends will become apparent in time, and not always those people we've earmarked as wanting to become friends with.