Pressure to look 'normal' after childbirth

[Miecro]

I'm 3.5 weeks PP. Still feel exhausted and nowhere near ready to exercise again. I'm still bleeding which increases after even a long walk. I've got a semi permanent headache. Suffering with sore nipples, piles, back ache, fatigue, healing stitches, and an infection I was hospitalised for recently.

I should be struggling with all of this, but the reality is, I'm struggling most with my flabby belly, huge thighs, new cellulite, weird looking nipples/boobs and most of all, stretch marks.

AIBU to just be fed up with how well I'm coping with the things that really should affect me, and that the things I'm feeling low about are so superficial? I hate that the small stuff bothers me so much, but my body truly feels ugly and ruined now.

Is it normal to hate your body so much after pregnancy?

Avoiding all mirrors...

I think I remember the midwife saying it takes about 6 weeks for your uterus to contract back to where it was. Plus, if you're breastfeeding, that'll affect the way your shape changes in the next few months. Basically, your body is still recovering and you have no idea what your true post partem body will look like.

Also, you just grew a baby, give yourself a break.

You just grew a human, be kind to yourself and your body will come back to normal.

I think it is normal. I have felt the same. Try and put it to the back of your mind for now. You've just given birth, you can work on your body later. Congratulations

It took nine months for your body to change, give yourself at least that before even thinking about comparing to how it was before! On a slight tangent, but have you mentioned your headaches to your gp? I remember being told after both of mine that headaches should be flagged up, although I can't remember why!

It’s totally normal. I felt exactly the same way, even though rationally I knew my body had just done the most amazing thing and was continuing to (as I was bf). I’m nearly 7 months post partum now, still bf, and still have 5kg to lose. Think I’m one of those unfortunates who holds on to the weight while bf! But I can fit into my old clothes again and honestly don’t care about the stretch marks. They will fade. It was worth it for my baby.

Your hormones are still crazy at this stage. Be kind to yourself. All those things will get better for sure.

As my doctor said it’s 9 up and 9 down.... it takes time for your body to heal and get back to normal. Be kind to yourself and while it’s good to be healthy you need to give yourself time to recover x

I don't care about my body, I just want sleep

You are a superhero whose amazing body grew a human.

I know it's tough but give it time and maybe find a way to reframe how you feel about it.

Op what you look like now is perfectly normal, your body just grew and delivered a baby,

Don't compare yourself to women online and in magazine who seem to look "perfect" 5 minutes after giving birth...they only look that way because of airbrushing/filters/spanx/plastic surgery/ etc..

Be kind to yourself, concentrate on you and your baby, like previous posters have said, you can work on getting your body back to how you want it to look later,

I know how you feel, though unfortunately my body is still somewhat wrecked at 8 months. It doesn't mean you love your baby any less because you don't like what's happened to your body. Many sympathies, but it all takes time and just isn't the priority right now. 3.5 weeks though, you're so lucky! I already miss those tiny baby quiet snuggles, my boy is so big and active now.

Congratulations on your new baby! I can completely understand where you're coming from. If it makes you feel any better I had a 9lb baby and an 11lb baby by c-section, after my second my stomach was huge and an absolute car crash of scar, bruising and angry red stretch marks. He's 1 now and despite not losing as much weight as I wanted to (entirely my fault) it's not bad at all now and the stretch marks are faint and silver. You'll get there OP.

My baby is 9 months and I’m still hideous. My stomach is ruined. In the early days I was suicidal because I’m so ugly and deformed. Now I’ve come to terms with not being beautiful any more. Ive stopped doing my hair and wearing makeup, because really it’s like putting lipstick on a pig. I won’t look good whatever I do so why bother trying? It breaks my heart to see other people bounce back. They get to have a baby AND a normal looking body, it’s so unfair and I feel like I’m being punished.

Miecro do tell your midwife, if you see her regularly, or make a GP appointment about the headache.

The rest is normal, but nobody ever talks about it. We seem to have been brainwashed into pretending that "bouncing back" in no time is normal, but it's exceptional.

Women seem to be out under a lot of pressure not to make a fuss about some absolutely enormous, temporarily or permanently life changing yet very common consequences of pregnancy and childbirth.

This really should change.The fact they're so common means they should be discussed more, not less.

3.5 weeks is still the immediate postpartum period - medically at least 6 weeks is the recovery period even from a straightforward birth.

Lewis have you talked to your GP or health visitor about post natal depression? I'm sure you're not hideous, you sound very down and deserve help to feel better.

It sounds like you're projecting all your feelings about all the medical stuff you're dealing with at your body. Either in anger at your body for not working how you want to so you're being mean to it "bad body, you're so ugly and horrid" or to distract you "my thighs are so large no I can't worry about my headache"

Easy to say but you need to be kinder to yourself, you're amazing. You grew that small squirmy shrieky marvel!! Every time you feel mean about your body look at the thingy being you grew and remember such perfection takes it toll but that it isn't forever.

@blueskiesandforests I don’t have PND. It’s not due to hormones or depression. It has a very real basis in the actual fact that I’m hideous. There’s no way you could cure the “depression” and I’d feel ok about my body. My misery is rooted in real physical circumstances, not just something in my head. If you could click your fingers and make my stomach look normal again I’d be cured immediately. That isn’t depression.

@LewisMam and OP it looks from the outside like they have bounced back but loads haven't even after 2 years it is just camouflaged by clothing.

Unfortunately many women especially in today's society don't talk properly to other women who have babies in the last two years. If you do then some of them including the thin ones will show you their unclothed stomachs and the loose skin on it.

LewisMam I don't doubt that pregnancy and childbirth have changed your body.

This happens to virtually everyone, but some more than others.

Some people are left with awful, life changing birth injuries including double incontinence. Everyone is changed somewhat - 90% of women will never be quite the same as before having a child.

We are conditioned to hide all the massive changes and side effects of pregnancy and childbirth and pretend that having a baby is no big deal, just a few broken nights and if you aren't doing 50/50 with your husband its your own fault, so you've no right to complain (conveniently ignoring breastfeeding).

Pregnancy and childbirth do mess most women up, for varying lengths of time.

It's the language you're using about yourself which makes me wonder about post natal depression.

Do you think most women whove had a baby in the last year are hideous? Chances are a lot of them are hiding stretched, overhanging, scared, stretch marked stomachs and saggier breasts under clothes, and a good number of them not mentioning a degree of incontinence, sex being painful, scar tissue following tearing, and all sorts of other issues.

Not bothering with self care because you hate yourself, and thinking you are being punished speaks of depression. That can go hand in hand with your body having objectively changed.

Don’t know if it helps your situation, but when you have a kid late in life there doesn’t seem to be any pressure. Or else I was just too overwhelmed with basic hygiene and baby-raising to even notice if there was. I suspect everyone around me was just plain relieved dd & I had made it through relatively unscathed, they certainly weren’t tutting at how my waistline looked.

Take a leaf out of my book. Make believe you don’t live in this stoopid insta culture. Imagine you live on a farm in the woods with no internet. There’s no one to impress.

These crazy, chaotic, precious months are about you and your baby bonding. And your baby ADORES your body. Your skin, your smell, your roundy bits, everything. Believe your baby, you are adorable. Blank out everything else.

I remember looking in the mirror wearing just knickers about a week after the birth of my 1st. I cried my eyes out, I thought my body was ruined and I'd never look okay again.

Truth is the uterus shrinks back, the stretch marks fade, the skin firms up (not completely but it definitely gets better) and the weight comes off with diet and exercise. It just takes time! More time than you want it to unfortunately but it does.

A year after my first I had faded stretch marks and the skin on my tummy was a bit saggy but other than that I had my body back. I'm 7 months pp with my second now and I'm well on my way to being happy with my body again.

Congratulations on your baby! Don't worry about how your body looks at the moment, focus on recovering.

congratulations! everyone already said what should be said so ill just add that for me treating myself to a nice perfume brand shower gel made me feel a bit more human. Also trying to go out walking with the pram made me feel like im not giving up iykwim and ice cold showers are your friend for bouncing skin back. im currently 3m pp still have 10kg to go but look and feel alright. keep at it and treat yoself whenever you can u deserve it!!

Totally normal response. 3.5 weeks is REALLY very soon after giving birth. Your body is in that 'WTF has just happened to me' phase.

I was exactly where you are 5 months ago. I wish I had been kinder to myself and rested more. 5 months on my body looks a million times better and has fine for a while. I've not even done that much and still have another stone to lose (I put 4 on )

Honestly it gets LOADS better

Just wanted to agree with everyone -3.5 weeks afterwards it’s like a truck has hit you! 4 months on and I’m much happier. Still have some weight to lose but look so much more normal, clothed and unclothed! Will get better xxx

Womens' bodies change throughout our lives and after giving birth and despite extreme societal pressure and expectations this is not only completely natural but also allowed. This thread breaks my heart. It's incredibly difficult in this cultural climate but please try and be as kind to yourselves as you can.

Disclaimer: this meant to be reassuring not a brag.

At 3.5 weeks i hated my body and really regretted gaining 4! Stone in pregnancy. I was too sore to excersise and mainlininng sugar to try and feel more human. 1 year post partum all the weight was gone and i felt amazing in my bikini. I'm sure the same will happen to you too.