Unwanted favours/present purchases

[MyShinyWhiteTeeth]

I have a friend who helps me with my shopping sometimes. We will go together in her car and she will help carry the bags. I give her petrol money and pay for our food and drinks at the cafe.

She's started buying things on my behalf then wanting me to pay for them. I've not asked for the things she buys. Sometimes they are unwanted but it is the type of food I'll generally get so I'll hand over the money. She enjoys getting bargains and special offers.

She's started picking up my Christmas presents, deciding what I'm getting people and how much I'm spending. I enjoy buying presents and want to spend my own money. I also don't want her getting credit for choosing stuff for people - I feel she makes a big deal to the person receiving the gift so that it almost becomes a present from her and not me.

I really appreciate her help but I'm finding it awkward to stop the unwanted favours. I feel like I'm being ungrateful as she spends a lot of time shopping for me even though I've never asked her to.

Start doing your own shopping and put some distance between you and this friend. She lacks social boundaries and it’s creepy and making you uncomfortable.

I am capable of looking after myself - sometimes I struggle a bit but I manage. I feel like she's trying to take my independence and make me out to need more help than I do.

I feel like I'm suffocating under all the help.

Could you do your shopping online instead of getting her to help you? She sounds quite controlling and I’d find this really suffocating

I like the shopping trips out so don't really want to lose those.

Everyone goes on about how good a friend she is to me and I feel like I'm ungrateful. Many people would appreciate the help.

I'm going to have to insist she stops buying stuff for me and returns it. I've being weak about it.

Do you have physical or emotional challenges that have allowed this situation to develop? Does she have reason for thinking you need such high level help?

It sounds like a mixture of her over-reaching and interfering, but if you need her help you’ll need to approach her more carefully. If not, it’s time to thank her smilingly for her past help, and firmly let her know that you’d prefer just to see her for a cuppa and return to doing your shopping on your own- from planning to transport to distributing.

She's trying to be a friend but not realising the social & friendship boundaries shes crossing. You don't 'need' help to carry bags. Keep them in the trolley til you are at the car. Tell her you shop online now & stop taking her. If she carries on buying stuff just be honest & say you like making your own choices, end of.

She's started picking up my Christmas presents, deciding what I'm getting people and how much I'm spending.

^You do realise that she is controlling you and this will only get worse. You need to tell her to stop and also distance yourself from her

It sounds like she is well meaning but lacking basic social skills. Probably best to switch to online shopping and step back from the friendship a bit. Hopefully she will accept this and you won't have to have an awkward conversation or fall out with each other.

I can see it might feel awkward to say “thanks for the pasta sauce that you know I definitely buy and that you’ve just bought half price but no thanks”.

I mean - you can still say you prefer to get your own stuff, not saying you should suck that up, just saying that I can see it might beep awkward to address.

But buying Xmas presents on your behalf? There’s nothing awkward about saying “thanks, but I love Xmas shopping, so I don’t want any help with that”, and maybe add “your friend X / cousin / child’s teacher would like that” if you must.

Tell her no! That’s not at all u grateful.

I have very mild mobility issues and some flare ups occasionally. It will get worse eventually but is very manageable at the moment.

I know some people who need extra help yet insist they can manage and refuse any help. I truly can manage most of the time.

Does she’s take you shopping? Can you only go with her (ie because you can’t drive and she can?). Can you get out and go of your own accord? Can anyone else take you on the shopping trips?

She's started picking up my Christmas presents, deciding what I'm getting people and how much I'm spending

^ This is madness. You need to firmly put a stop to it, pronto. When she turns up with something you didn't ask her to buy and she demands you pay her back, flat out refuse: "No CF friend, I never asked you to get me such and such, so I won't be giving you any money. Please stop doing this as it's unnecessary and feels rather intrusive".

I think the joint shopping trips will have to stop for a while and I'll refuse to accept what she buys. I've helped her in the past and it feels like she thinks she owes me and is looking after me.

Is there any other friend or family that can go shopping with you to help put some distance between you and this woman? At least until you have stronger boundaries with her.

Selecting your presents for others and buying things you never asked for then asking for cash is crossing so many boundaries, she is treating you like a child and trying to make you dependent on her, I would hate this. It must make you feel so small and helpless.

That's exactly how I feel.

I can go shopping on my own - I enjoy her company but I don't need it.

She came back today with more presents and I told her I didn't want them. I said I hadn't asked her to buy them and they weren't suitable. I told her to return them.

She tried to refuse and said she couldn't return them so I said that wasn't my problem as I hadn't asked her to buy them. I then told her I wasn't going to pay for them and that she wasn't to leave them with me to give me time to think about it.

She stormed off with the presents but I feel quite proud of myself for saying no. She's text to say she's giving them to me for my Christmas presents!

I think it's a win for me but not quite sure. I just hope I don't get any more from her.

This isn't normal behaviour for a friend OP or indeed very nice. It's not how friends act. She sounds very passive aggressive. So you turned down the gifts for others that she chosen for you to give and she storms off and then texts you that you're getting them as your gifts.
Actually forget the passive aggressive, she's just aggressive and no one needs a friend like that. It sounds as though she views you as some incapable weakling who obviously needs to depend on her. Nah, you don't.

This is a very strange friendship OP!

You need to be heard, just because she’s helping you doesn’t mean you need to be grateful and accept everything she’s doing for you and giving you.

I can’t believe she stormed off and then texts to say they’re now your Christmas presents. Wow.

I would reply and tell her you’ll be donating them to charity.

I think she feels she owes me sometimes. I pay for the petrol and our food and drinks at the cafe when we go shopping.

She offers to clean for me but I'd really rather do it myself. She's forever trying to help me out. She seems angry when I tell her I don't need the help.

She looked after her elderly parents but they died years ago. I've thought she's trying to have me as a replacement.

I've had counselling about an abusive childhood, alcoholism and dv. It feels like all my friendships are a bit fucked up to be honest.

what you did was really good.remember it take putting things into practice a few times before thing can change sometimes.just as this behaviour started small and spiraled I imagine?so getting her to stop might take a few more times like you did today.but how much lighter do you feel honestly?i bet it feel a bit nervy but bloody good!well done you.
don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it.with what you've got that's well within ur right.but you should never feel squashed or even controlled by it or others in getting help.help is about easing you not making things worse.
keep going with it.sounds like she has some issue with wanting to help and with losing her parents that will stem from that too.so it seems to be coming from somewhere good.but when people are wrapped up in their own agendas it can quickly become their own health they are doing it for and not others!
if it happens again don't lose heart and think it hasn't worked.it take time and time again of calmly putting new routines in place to get it ight sometimes.

on your friendships being fucked.of course there is going to be rules and fears with you that aren't there for some.but that doesn't mean you miss out.it just take a bit more tender care for you to find your people and ways you can allow yourself to be.but it does happen.and can for you.you just might go about it different to some.dont lose heart though.