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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be angry at myself for this

18 replies

ClarabellaCTL · 14/11/2018 10:13

Back-story…about 5 years ago MIL was looking after DS1 he was about 4 at the time. We have a rule, you can only ride your bike if you wear your helmet. We are very strict about this, partly because DH was knocked off his bike as a kid by someone opening a car door as he passed and he fell off and hit his head very hard on the edge of the kerb. He was wearing a helmet thank goodness, which cracked like an egg. If he hadn’t been wearing it his life could be very different. So, when MIL was looking after DS1, he spilled the beans that Grandma had taken him out on his bike and forgotten his helmet. I was very cross, she tried to blame the kid saying he was refusing to wear it and they were going to miss their bus. I was fuming, but we moved on. Anyhow, a few months later she had DS1 again, and my friend drove past them out in the village. Guess what, he was on his bike with no helmet. For some time after that we didn’t allow her to babysit. I just didn’t trust her to adhere to our wishes. Again though, we’ve moved on and that was years ago.

Now, she and FIL are not together, haven’t been for decades. She was relaying a story to me last night about how she can never forgive FIL for x,y,z. One story that had her in tears was FIL asking DH (when he was 17 and just passed his test) to drive into London to pick him up, and then letting him drive home again and not checking he’d got there ok, had enough money for petrol blah blah. DH had never driven on the motorway, was a brand new driver, MIL was away somewhere so she didn’t know it happened, DH could have died in a crash etc etc. Yes, FIL was wrong to ask him, but what gets me is she then said DH had used ‘the 2nd of his 9 lives that night’. I asked when he had used the first. She said when he got knocked off his bike. I said yes, I know that story and that’s why we are so strict about bike helmets etc. She said she knows, and she was sorry for the incidents with DS1 a few years back.

What gets me is she’s sitting there crying and saying she’ll never forgive FIL for endangering DH like that even though he’s apologised, and in the same breath she’s expecting to be forgiven for putting my son in danger against my wishes. I didn’t cause an argument about it as she was already upset, but I really wish I’d pointed out to her what a double standard she was presenting.

Urgh, I just want to vent to get it off my chest as I’m so cross at myself for not taking the chance to say something.

OP posts:

AjasLipstick · 14/11/2018 10:15

Many people are lax about this but I saw my nephew go through operations and still end up brain damaged after coming off his scooter with no helmet.

So YANBU.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 14/11/2018 10:17

You missed the perfect opportunity but at least she's acknowledged she didn't make him wear the helmet. I imagine by now your ds is older and more responsible for himself if as you say it happened a few years back.

DanielRicciardosSmile · 14/11/2018 10:19

He used the second of his nine lives not crashing his car? How many has he used up by now?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/11/2018 10:23

She said sorry though. That was the golden opportunity to talk about the importance of the helmet. Let it go now for you own sanity!

tobypercy · 14/11/2018 10:23

you did say something - you drew the parallel and she accepted it (although not very well).
She's busy bemoaning something that happened that many years ago, if you had pushed the point it would have just led to an argument, not changed her mind in the slightest.
You did the right thing.

inlawsmadeadifferencebtwkids · 14/11/2018 10:28

She apologised - what more do you want? Seriously, you know she said she was sorry - so what's the issue?

Cheeeeislifenow · 14/11/2018 10:29

Well she has said sorry....I'm not sure there is much else she can do. Let it go.

Ellisandra · 14/11/2018 10:42

What a drama queen!

She was crying - years later - because her husband asked his almost adult son to drive him when he’d just passed his test and didn’t check he had petrol money?

Yes, amongst other things, but that highlights how much of a drama queen she is.

All this 2nd of 9 lives stuff is pure drama too.

I’d accept that she willingly admits she was wrong about the helmet and then just walk slowly away! Don’t feed the drama.

Although - and I’m massively projecting my own drama queen mother here - was it genuine apology for the lack of helmet 5 years ago, or just her setting up the opportunity for you to tell her not to worry, it was all fine, she’s a wonderful grandma really. Nothing makes me leave the room faster than my mother in full “I’m such a bad mother - tell me I’m not” mode

Original poster

ClarabellaCTL · 14/11/2018 13:12

He used the second of his nine lives not crashing his car? How many has he used up by now?

Not sure what you are getting at tbh.

OP posts:

Original poster

ClarabellaCTL · 14/11/2018 13:14

She apologised - what more do you want? Seriously, you know she said she was sorry - so what's the issue?
The issue is her double standard. Why should I forgive her and move on, allow her to look after my kids when she put one of them in danger. She won't forgive her ex for doing the same.

OP posts:

Original poster

ClarabellaCTL · 14/11/2018 13:15

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/11/2018 13:16

Have you actually ever had the conversation about your DS not wearing the helmet?

Nicknacky · 14/11/2018 13:18

I think you need to get over this. It was years ago.

Piffle11 · 14/11/2018 13:22

I get why you're feeling angry with yourself. You feel you should have gone further: you brought it up (good!) and she acknowledged her failings … that should be the end of it. But because she is still wailing on about how she can't forgive FIL, you are struggling to get past what happened with your DS: why should you forgive her when she's saying she can't forgive FIL (for something far less important)? Considering what happened to your DH when he was younger, she should be absolutely insistent on bike helmets! It's easy for me to say try and forget it - and maybe tell yourself that in future you will address these things as they come up. I beat myself up sometimes about a couple of things that MIL did/didn't do regarding my DC's safety (I could tell you some scary stuff!) and I ended up letting it go in order to keep the peace. I have made a promise to myself not to do it ever again.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/11/2018 13:35

It was 5 years ago. How long are you going to keep this grudge?

Original poster

ClarabellaCTL · 14/11/2018 16:44

It was 5 years ago. How long are you going to keep this grudge?

Er, it was MIL who brought it all up again. To be honest, she put my son at risk of harm so I will 'bear a grudge' for the foreseeable future! She's still bearing a bloody grudge against FIL more than 20 years later so if she won't get over it, why should I?

OP posts:

Original poster

ClarabellaCTL · 14/11/2018 16:46

Have you actually ever had the conversation about your DS not wearing the helmet? Yes, I did at the time when she tried to blame DS for it. When it transpired that my friend had also seen her out with him on a separate occasion without the helmet we weren't actually speaking to MIL as she had a massive fight with DH and didn't visit us for over a year. By the time they sorted out their differences the time to discuss again had passed but she hasn't looked after the kids alone since.

OP posts:

Original poster

ClarabellaCTL · 14/11/2018 16:48

Piffle11 - you have hit the nail on the head. I think I just need to put the drama to one side an be a bit more switched on about pulling her up at the time in future.

OP posts:

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