Nursery handing out invites made me anxious

[sadkoala]

about my DCs social life.

DC attends a small nursery and it's a small number of kids in his room, this morning at drop off they were handing out birthday invitations to the parents. I felt a bit sad for my DS (even though I know he's too young to understand and didn't even notice anything) that he didn't get one, they went out to the majority of the group.

I know it sounds stupid and probably like I'm a snowflake but it's made me feel a bit of a pit in my stomach and I'm suddenly worried about if/how my DS will have a good group of friends and get to socialise and do all the important things.

And just to clear it up I'm not feeling put out or upset just because he didn't get invited to one party but it's just reminded me of my own insecurities. I've always been terrible at socialising and don't really have any friends apart from a few aquaintances, I dont have a friend I could go for a coffee with or on a playdate unless there's a group of people socialising together and I'm there because they're all DPs friends and we all have kids.
I'm just really worried and hope I won't be putting DS out and he will grow up being social and having a circle of good friends he can call on - something that I don't have.

AIBU to feel worried and anxious about it?

Please don’t worry. At that age they play next to each other rather than with each other, so it doesn’t indicate anything.

If you’re concerned about his social mixing, you could ask his key worker if he’s playing well with others and if there’s anything you can do to help establish friendships if they feel that’s needed, but obviously don’t mention the party.

By the way, I know the school gates are often talked about as a circle of hell on here, but most of my friendships now come from there. People dropping off their children are often at a similar stage in life and battling with juggling work and kids and suggesting a play date and a coffee is a good way to build your own social circle.

At that age kids don't have friends as such, and party invites are mainly issued to the children of the parents' friends. The odds are most of the invites were handed out to families who are already quite friendly with each other.

If it's anything like the day nursery I used to work in the room's key worker has probably been asked for a certain number of children that x enjoys playing with by parents. I used to hate having to do it for my 2 to 4s, becuase they all played along each other and didn't really have the special friends parents were looking for. Then other parents would wonder why their child didn't get an invite and if they were having issues socialising. Or after one terriable party insist their child was kept away from certian children as the entertainer couldn't control a unknown group of 3 year olds while parents were having the grown up buffet.

Or it's an invite more for the parents because they are friends of the birthday child's family.

I didn't know any of the parents at nursery, people dropped off in a rush and arrived at different times. They are so little too. Starting at the school pre-school and then reception is what has kicked things off for me and DS. He gets invited to the all class parties and I get to talk to the parents now.

Yeah I hardly knew anyone at nursery as I was throwing her in and running for the train, and those I did I knew beforehand. A lot of kids go to the same school and I’ve only really got to know the parents at the school gates. I wouldn’t worry about it, lie a PP said, kids at that age play “at” each other rather than with. Party invites are based mostly on who the parents know with small kids. Parent doing the invites might not even know your DS is there, I used to guess a bit as to who to invite and I didn’t have time to ask nursery and we were on a tight schedule. Much easier at school as you can get a class list.

it's just reminded me of my own insecurities. I've always been terrible at socialising and don't really have any friends apart from a few aquaintances, I dont have a friend I could go for a coffee with or on a playdate unless there's a group of people socialising together and I'm there because they're all DPs friends and we all have kids.
I'm just really worried and hope I won't be putting DS out and he will grow up being social and having a circle of good friends he can call on - something that I don't have

I had this. In fact I had a moment of dawning horror that went What The Hell Have I DONE?!!! I had had a baby and would be forced to socialise for his sake, when I was clearly very very rubbish at it. I remember standing over his cot totally aghast and doing awful gut wrenching sobs that he would turn out to be disliked and unpopular like I was.

As it is, he is actually autistic, so am I, I do the best I can. It's not great and we do both struggle, but I don't stop trying because I don't feel that it's a choice really.

It's difficult if you're not naturally a social butterfly, but fortunately OP, these days schools are much more proactive at spotting children whose social skills are less developed and putting interventions into place for them. I suggest when your ds starts school, tell the school staff your concerns and they should keep on eye on that aspect of his development and let you know if they feel he needs extra help.

I do sympathise utterly with you, it's a dreadful feeling.

OP I get that, My daughter not getting invited to parties worries me too. Not the parties, but the fact that she might be excluded or something.
At the moment shes only 11 months old, but what if when older she doesn't get invited?
I fear that as we are older parents, our age will make her more isolated.
Hope I'm wrong and just worrying!

I’m lucky that I was relatively popular at school and my kids also seem to be. But I still worried!

It’s normal both to not know parents at nursery (meaning you may not get invites) and it’s also normal to worry like this.

I'm glad I'm not alone.

It's just so hard especially if I think that it might be because I'm not socialising/friends with any of the parents.

The truth is DS has made friends at nursery and he talks about who they are and who his "best friend" is etc and there seem to be a few kids who are always quite happy to see him and come up to greet him etc
I'm concerned that he will still be overlooked if it comes down to crunching numbers as I'm not friends with the parents. Is this stupid or valid?

I would suggest having a little party for children in his group and asking everyone.

As people get invites from you and you start going to things you'll start getting to know them all, he'll start getting them back.

I really wouldn't worry though as with children so young you are often shooting in the dark as to who to ask, I often email the nursery and ask for a list of who is in the group.

By the time he's in reception in school he will start getting loads and there are whole class parties etc.

Try not to worry, OP. I felt like you when my first DC was at nursery. Towards the end of her time there I realised that lots of the mums in my DCs nursery class had done NCT together. They were already an established group and didn’t bother with any of the other mums. At that age, children are generally invited to parties because their parents know each other. Lack of invitations is no reflection on your DS or you (party holder just doesn’t know you).
I found the school gate much easier than nursery.

Just seen your update.
If your DS has a particular friend at nursery, I would ask the friend home to play one day after nursery. Do you see the Mum at pickup time?
Another idea.. When DD was at nursery, she received a Christmas card from one of her little friends (well obviously from the Mum!) and at the end of the card it said ‘would you like to play one day - call my Mum on this number.’ You could take a similar approach?