To ask for help with my teen as they are making me miserable

[Dogandme]

Teen is being utterly awful at the minute. We used to have a brilliant relationship and were really close and they were lovely. Then they started hanging around with kids who aren't the best and that all changed.

There are some minor Sen and everytime anything at all they don't like happens at school I get horrendous behaviour at home.

School put them on progress report. Not for behaviour but to encourage progress, they've been told they aren't in trouble but are very angry about it so as usual I'm getting it at home. I've spoken to school and had the report adjusted so that it reflects their Sen as it didn't before and am dealing with the situation in general and they are actually aside from the odd mess up well supported.

This past two weeks alone teen has thrown things at me including at my face, swears at me, contradicts me everytime I speak. Has called me a wanker and an arse,talks over me every time I speak to an adult etc.
They 'don't have to listen, don't have to do what I say, staying on phone till past 11pm, aggressive when I try to remove it.

I've had serious words, I've removed WiFi, I refused to top up their phone as they make up awful lies to their friends about me.

Every time I discipline them I'm just getting at them , I can't even speak without being told i am getting at them .

Latest response is that 'i don't treat my friends and teachers like that so it must be because you are a grumpy bitch'

All I did last night was stop them walking into the road because of a van they hadn't seen and had awful behaviour.

I'm utterly fed up.
They don't really go out with mates anymore so nothing to stop there and I don't really want to stop military cadets weekly as punishment as it's the only thing keeping them away from the awful mates and doing something with their life.

Oh boy if my daughter ever spoke to me like that there would be serious repercussions that she will feel for a very long time.

All i can suggest OP is stick to your guns, the minute you give in is the minute you lose. You are the parent and they are the child.

If he can not respect you, you need to remove any luxuries from his life until he realises what exactly you do for him.

Crikey. Teenagers can be bloody awful, can't they? So sorry you are going through this. They seem to reserve the very worst of their behaviours for the mother, so you are not alone. Personally, I would have a big problem with the violence (throwing things) and abusive language. Are you able to speak with the school to tell them this is happening and ask if there is something going on at school that might explain his behaviour?

I'm in contact with school. The only thing happening is the progress report . They are VERY angry about it and as usual I'm taking the brunt.

They??

I wish I had some advice but I get very similar from dds, 17 and 14.
Verbal and physical abuse, general rudeness, refusal to do anything round the house, running off, and youngest has recently started self harming and threatening suicide.
Currently waiting for police to arrive as they’ve been missing all night again.
Youngest goes horse riding on Saturdays and like you, I’m reluctant to remove this as a punishment as I think it does her good.

Why don't you want us to know if it's a boy or girl?

How old is teenager?

I have twin sons (13) and they are a total pain in the arse. Lots of swearing and shouting. I've banned the PlayStation until they calm down. One of my boys has SEN and the school have been heavily involved.

They know I will tell school as I have before and have just said that they will go in today and will tell the teacher all I ever do is 'have a go at them and shout at them for no reason'.

They have made up lies before and a lot worse than that so wouldn't surprise me.

They have a particular on /off friend who is a blooming nightmare and encourages the lying and bad behaviour and not trying and who treats their mother equally terribly.
DC has said in past that said friend hates their Mum so they say they do to fit in. They don't have contact out of school but I can't stop them in school obviously.

I can always tell when they are back friends with this person as the 'im not going to college, it's a load of shit and there is no point to it and what's the point in putting any effort in' rubbish starts.

Is there a dad in the picture? Or some other strong authority figure that he will respect, maybe an uncle or dgf?

I was trying to be vague so they weren't identifiable to be honest.
I didn't think it mattered whether it was a boy or a girl.

If it's such an issue then it's a girl, age 16 and in last year of school.

She hasn't seen her Dad in years but she is very close to her Grandfather and also attends military cadets where obviously they have very strong male (and female ) role models.

So the teen doesn't see friends after school - are they hanging out with a bad crowd at school or is social media and people they don't actually know in person the issue?

They are quite different problems with different potential solutions.

The way your teen is speaking to you, and obviously the throwing things is utterly unacceptable of course, but if the problem behind it is bad friends it's relevant whether these are school day friends (tackle via school) or online "friends" (tackle by blocking phone and turning off WiFi til they've talked to you more about whats going on and staeted to behave like their old self).

Or is it being overwhelmed with increasing expectations at school and kicking off at home (ASD masking) again tackle via school/ therapy.

The use of "they" does make this mind bending to read for some reason - maybe because as it naturally suggests multiple teenagers but this is only about one child, and maybe because it's distracting wondering why the op wants to hide the sex of the child...

Is there a member of staff at cadets dd has particular respect/admiration for? Might it be worth having a quiet word in their ear?

But then again, that could backfire by enraging dd even more - it's so difficult.

I think it's a mixture of several things Blue.

She does struggle socially but does have friends. Some of her friends are lovely but she will frequently dump the nice friends for the more 'exciting' ones, behave like this until she falls out with them and I get the nice child back . The bad friends are awful but due to the schools catchment and the fact she is very busy with military cadets twice a week and often at weekends she doesn't really see them out of school.

The only online friends are school friends. Social media is something I keep an eye closely on as we have had issues before.

She does find school overwhelming. School are aware of this and it's something we are working together on.

Stable it's something I've considered.
I'm worried she just won't go anymore if I speak to them though and that would drive her further towards the kids I want her away from.

At least at cadets she's having a mass of positive influence. It's a small unit and the kids are fantastic.

The way I see this is there are 2 ways to handle it.

1. You stand your ground and get heavy with them. Pull them up on everything. Take all privelages away. Be strict and be clear. And keep it up. Explain why and what behaviour is expected and what behaviour will result in privelages being restored.

1. Love bombing. It doesn't mean not being strict or having high expectations of the their behaviour but totally seeing it from their point of view, being very much on their side and being kind and gentle.

You know your daughter, this is a phase and she will come through it, but it might be a tough and long stage too.

Good luck

A girl I know was quite troubled like this, and joined the cadets. She also took up motorbikes, as her df was heavily into motorbikes. It turned out she was gay. She got a lovely gf, calmed down a lot, and seems to be fine now.

Hmm yes it sounds as though working with school is probably the best way. Does she have any kind of counseling or 1:1 chance to talk with a non parent adult via school? If not is it a possibility?

Otherwise any other adult - I see what you're saying about not wanting to drive her away from cadets by involving them - who might mentor her / listen to her and offer some guidance - a friend or sibling of yours perhaps?