to want to have sweaty palms & butterflies...

[halaz]

I have been with dh for 5 years, pregnant with our second lovely DS.

^I just don't feel the fireworks when I'm with him
^
He's stopped touching me, I'm lonely, my mom always told me that 'Love like in the movies' doesn't exist.

I just don't want to get to 50 and have wasted my time with someone who doesn't make me feel all fuzzy

I know that I don't make dh feel that way either

After a while that feeling goes away when you have kids and demanding jobs and roles. Is it possible to take time for just the 2 of you like a date night. I say this but me and dh have never done that since eldest is born. However I do still feel happy when he is home and excited when he gets a day off to spend time with him. But not butterflies or sweaty palms as such. Feelings change. What you describe is more like lust which fades but you can get it back.

How much time do you spend together as a couple, without children? I think that counts for a lot.

I remember my parents having date nights about twice a month when I was growing up - they'd go to dinner or a show or even just to the local for a drink and some quality time. I think things like that are vital to keeping a relationship alive and the spark going.

I'm a firm believer that a good marriage takes constant work - and that includes spending dedicated time together on a regular basis, unexpected gifts and regularly showing your partner you love and appreciate them.

I think it's normal to not have sweaty palms and butterflies after being with someone for five years, obviously there are exceptions.

But do you love eachother? Care for eachother? Could you live without eachother?

I think the butterflies disappear and if you are lucky they are replaced with something better.

Last night there was an emergency and it reminded me what a wonderful man my partner is no butterflies but rather a deep tender love. We’ve got a date on Saturday I’m looking forward to it so much. Not nervous butterflies rather anticipation of the joy of spending time with him.

It's nice to have that feeling in theory but realistically it's not going to happen. When you lived together long enough to be familiar with each other's bowel movement schedule butterflies whither away!

I find a new spark of appreciation for dh when we have had several days apart. We are usually together most nights but he has been away for work for 3nightss. I'm awaiting his return now.
(2 nights I'm fine and quite like the space, especially with 2 small children hanging off me).
Also date nights.
It does require a bit of effort sometimes.

So in 5 years you have spent the majority of 1 of them being pregnant, will be 18 months by the time DC2 is born. You don't say how old DC1 is so I'll guess at a year, maybe 2. That's a big ratio of time spent pregnant/with a kid to time spent as a child-free couple.

Kids change the dynamic, even after years together. DH and I ended up in relationship counselling when DD wasn't even a year old and we'd been together for 7 years by that point. We knew all about each other but we had stopped being affectionate and talking sensibly to each other.

Have you sat down with DH and discussed any of this with him?

The things you describe go after the 1st few months I think,although I still look at dh after 6 years and think he's sexy very often

It can be difficult can't it. I think we have just forgot about paying one another attention.

We used to go on date nights (ds1 is 21mo) after we had ds1. I do love him and can't imagine not being together as a family

It's difficult to see that sometimes when I'm full of resentment that my sexual advances are rejected and he doesn't touch me. (I know that's unreasonable)

Thank you for your advice!

I think the butterflies is all about the risk element in the beginning - does he like me, will this work out etc.
To live with that for years on end would be exhausting and unpleasant.
Instead it's replaced by almost a glow, if that makes sense? I love my husband in a deeper way now. I smile when I think about him, I'm proud of him, I look forward to spending time together. But there is no drama, and that's how I like it!

You will have sweaty palms and butterflies when you're 50. It's called menopause.

For me it's the other way around - I am realising as I approach my mid thirties, with a baby and a mum tum and a long term partner I am working through some difficulties with... No-one will ever feel that way about me now. I never had anybody fall in love with me, think about me endlessly, admire me and wonder about me. I'm watching some trivial box set at the moment, it's totally ludicrous but the central drama is this 'will they/won't they' relationship between the main characters who are obviously made for each other and even while I know how pathetic it is and that it is bloody made up, I yearn so hard to have someone look at me that way.

I usually comfort myself with the thought that movie/butterflies/starry-eyed love doesn't exist outside of self-delusion and the movies; but tbh I don't really believe that. I think it exists, it just never came for me.

Names are you saying your partner doesn’t love you? I’m assuming he’s the father of your child. Did you not fall in love before having the baby? There’s still time for that to happen Mum tum or not. You don’t have to stay with someone if there’s no love at all.

Sometimes a bit of distance can work wonders on getting a bit of lust back in long term relationship. Retreat from him and spend more time on yourself, friends, family, hobbies, anything! Don't be so available. It's not about playing games but being in each others pockets all the time, constantly pandering and pampering him, it's just not going to have the desired effect. And aside from what he thinks, as a young pregnant woman, you can still be sexy/attractive for yourself and others, I always think pregnant women look beautiful (even if they don't feel it!)

shockhorrored he doesn't love me no. We're both quite messed up it turns out. I don't think he loves anyone the way I think about love,and certainly not the idealistic butterflies kind. We're both a bit codependent I think, me because I have this unfulfilled need for love and approval (family crap) and him because he is obsessed with "making progress" - so he needs a partner in his life so he can do the next thing, house, then children, then retirement - he's got he whole thing planned and I'm needed in the sense someone is needed in that place and I was available at the right time. It's all a bit sad and sorry and I'm trying to work out what's best. But certainly I won't be making any major decisions a out mine and my daughter's future based on an immature hankering after "butterflies" love which may very likely it be out there for me.

We were in a much stronger place when we decided to have a baby. I didn't realise how much he didn't really see me as a person, just a placeholder. I knew we had different ideas of what love meant, but I was aware mine is not definitive and I thought behaviour (does more than his share at home, works hard etc) could be his way of showing something he felt but couldn't articulate. I think we're beyond that now and I realise more clearly that the reason he can't articulate feelings of love for me is because they are not there.

I do love him, by the way. But it's becoming difficult to do so in the awareness of how much it isn't reciprocated. It makes me feel used,which makes me feel bitter.