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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to talk about it now?

26 replies

Alilwolf · 14/11/2018 00:29

So, almost 2 years ago I almost died. I was in a coma, but recovered completely.
The hospital had a diary where the nurses wrote every day. I read it once when I came out and then almost threw it away. But now I've read it again and I feel sad for that me. Almost every entry has 'you were agitated today'.
Why is this bothering me 2 years later! Why am I caring?

OP posts:

Original poster

Alilwolf · 14/11/2018 00:31

It doesn't matter! I didn't experience or remember the agitation. I'm so bloody frustrated with myself because I'm crying for no reason!

OP posts:

Shriek · 14/11/2018 00:34

What a thing to go through

So glad you fully recovered!
So, what do you read into 'you were agitated today'?
I think reading it is helping you to revisit it again and donsome sorting that you hadn't been ready to do before.

BarMcBarsen · 14/11/2018 00:35

It does matter. That is a huge thing to have gone through, mentally and physically. Ive not been in a coma but I imagine it's quite a big deal! I'm sure it's very normal to feel upset/emotional about, and often trauma pops up months or years after the 'event' happens.

Do you have someone you can talk to about it? Have you spoken to someone about it before?

Shriek · 14/11/2018 00:36

It does matter, you nearly died, and like most shocking things it takes a while to go through the emotional fallout.
You were aware at the time, but it upsetting to see that you were agitated.
It must also feel strange to read things about you that you weren't aware of I know I'd be upset about that

Original poster

Alilwolf · 14/11/2018 00:37

I don't know! That's the thing! I know I get agitated but I don't even know what it means! They mention it in reference to a breathing thing. I just feel so sad that everyone else knew what was going on in my life and I didn't and that is petrifying.

OP posts:

Shriek · 14/11/2018 00:38

*weren't
Also, you certainly anbu to want to talk about it now.

I'm here, listening.

Shriek · 14/11/2018 00:41

Yes, petrifying.
Can you say what it was that was so petrifying for you?
Now you can look back knowing you were safe, and in a coma often the brain can struggle to keep regular breathing, bit like a baby. So was probably just a manifestation of that.
What were you fearing it was?

Original poster

Alilwolf · 14/11/2018 00:41

Why did I even read that thing again. I read it when I came out as I was recommended to and broke into tears and threw it into the furthest part of my 'to file' pile. Didn't expect this reaction reading it again today. It was almost 2 years ago for goodness sake!

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Original poster

Alilwolf · 14/11/2018 00:42

It's petrifying having so little control over my life.

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Original poster

Alilwolf · 14/11/2018 00:44

I'm fine. It's just a minor blip. To read how bloody vulnerable I was terrifies me. It's going back in the filing cupboard never to be read again!

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Shriek · 14/11/2018 00:49

You have to know that this will pass. It's part of you dealing with a massive trauma, and not knowing what was happening is petrifying.
Try not to be too hard on yourself, cut yourself some slack, and be kind to you. You've had it tough, and you need to process it all. You will do, it really doesn't matter that it's come up like this, these things happen when they happen. We can't control them. Sadly I think that's how it must have felt for you, that you had no control of what was going on, and that is a scarey place. Just remember its not now. Now you are well, you came through, recovered fully, and allow yourself the time to process it all.

Shriek · 14/11/2018 00:51

It's awesome that you've been able to write it all out here. It's probably a necessary release, as part of your recovery.

Shriek · 14/11/2018 00:53

Don't be scared of it. Just leave it to one side till you feel up to reading again, or not, ita up to you

These things can give one a sense of being completely swept away by the strength of emotion they bring, but it will calm, and you will get through it.

Shriek · 14/11/2018 01:12

Are you doing OK there?

Original poster

Alilwolf · 14/11/2018 01:20

Yes. Sanity has been restored. Thanks - you've been very kind.

OP posts:

Shriek · 14/11/2018 01:22

Oh really? Oh good. You're OK then? It sounds like it was a bit of a shock seeing it written down like that. You feeling calmer now?

Broccolifeatures · 14/11/2018 01:27

I have worked in an intensive care unit. Everybody is 'agitated' when they wake up from a coma. Some are not themselves for weeks. This is not about you or your personality, it's that your mind needed time to recover just like the rest of your body.

Is it also possible that they were writing about when you had the intubation tube in? That makes everyone fight like hell as it feels awful.

Recovery from a critical illness takes months or years. Symptoms like PTSD are possible. Be kind to yourself, don't worry about the nurses (they've seen it all) and focus on healing. If you feel like it would help, you could call the unit, they may have a follow up team who could give you some support or explanations.

Elllicam · 14/11/2018 01:31

I’m so sorry you went through such a bad tIme. Agitated might not have been a bad thing though, was it when you were unconscious? If so they might have just meant that you were moving about/breathing quickly/making sounds. If you see what I mean? It’s hard to tell what people are actually feeling when they can’t respond.

Shriek · 14/11/2018 01:45

Definitely possible the PTSD, and also recommend the follow up team

Olderbyaminute · 14/11/2018 02:04

I had a near death experience and was on life support for days in ICU-once I was out of ICU and alert and oriented I made the mistake of asking my nurse what exactly happened (as I am an RN ) she told me everything and I had a terrifying nightmare that night and for many afterwards-I did have PTSD and a Psychiatrist visited me in hospital but said my then current emotional state was “situationally appropriate” and to follow up as needed later. It isn’t easy to confront your own mortality and then to realize you were in distress and don’t remember,right? Well I was agitated as well and pulled the endotracheal tube out (what goes in your throat to help you breath) the morning I was to be taken off the machine to breathe on my own-I told them you should’ve restrained me better later when I was out of the hospital. Time has helped me a lot. Please talk to your friends and support network. Take care! Good luck!

AcrossthePond55 · 14/11/2018 02:05

My DH was in a medically induced coma for 4 days. He was also classed as 'agitated' at times. To me, it appeared to be more 'restless' and 'uncomfortable' with all the tubes and the respirator. It wasn't like he was throwing punches or acting out. He was just grimacing, moving around, and trying to put his hands to his face and the tubes.

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. There is no right or wrong time to work through issues that are bothering us.

kateandme · 14/11/2018 02:19

it doesn't matter how long ago something was.we sometimes still get upset over things in child hood.and not even as huge as what you went through.everyone emotions are valid.and everyone that went through trauma processes at different times and it can come back like a wave at any moment.it could be due to a smell.or sound or something you see like you have done with your diary. so tell yourself this feeling is ok.this feeling is valid.this feeling is normal. because it is.
you are safe now.you fought hard didn't you.that IS amazing.but it doesn't stop it being the scaries tthing to have to have gone through! I mean you effectively died and stood there in limbo for a while.so vunerable.and in such a poorly state would make anyone afraid.this is why many people are in comas sometimes too aren't they so they can heal so the body and mind can be asleep whilst the body need times to heal and fight. but you were safe and being looked after.you were watched every day and written about how you were doing every day.you were safe.
our bodies just naturally react.
there is nothing wrong with looking at something and it bringing back emotions or memories.its about how you go from here that counts. you ned to settle.keep calm.dont sit and fret and worry and let ur worried mind buid sotries in your head.its a momentary frightened place you've been taken back to,but you aren't there now.your right here sitting in your comfy chair your well.safe.and ok. you are not in that coma.you are alive and living and free.
get a nice warm drink.put your hand on your heart and think and say to yourself "im ok.im safe"
sleep well.big hugs.

chocolatebox1 · 14/11/2018 02:21

OP, I do understand what you're saying. I had a very serious accident a few years ago and was in an induced coma for a bit. I remember pulling my file up the bed to look at it when I saw a nurse had left it and I was really upset by the prognosis the doctor had written. I still have moments where I can't believe what happened and I feel like I'm looking back at someone else's life and feeling very sorry for that person. I saw that you put something about having filed it away again, that's what I do. If you can look at it differently and think about it in terms of how strong you are to have been through all this and if you can handle that, you can handle anything, that certainly helped for me. Please do PM me if you'd like to talk about it, I don't want to share too many specific details on here about my experiences but I'd love to help if I can.

Monty27 · 14/11/2018 02:58

You unwittingly stepped into the unknown and it has frightened you because you had no and have no memory of it. That would make anyone feel vulnerable.
Glad you have recovered. You must be a strong person. Onwards and upwards.

Snog · 14/11/2018 08:24

Being in ITU is super traumatic and it is more common than not to struggle mentally afterwards. Talking therapies could help with this.

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