What to do?

[Confused1001]

Will try to give the short of a long story.

My parents split up when I was 9 due to my father cheating and some dv. My mother only found out because I caught them kissing and told her. We moved over 60 miles away due to my father harassing my mother to get back with him whilst shacked up with the ow. He failed in this efforts and has been with the ow ever since.

Eow contact till I was around 13 by then I'd had enough of his wife slagging me and my mother off and been just plain nasty to me.

So fast forward to 2016 my father contacts me and apologises for everything and wants to start afresh. He and his wife now have two small children. Relationships strained between me and the wife we just about tolerate each other but glad to have my father back in my life so I'm polite with her.

April he rings and tells me he has cancer, so jump on the first train to see him. He tell me about it and he's starting his treatment in the next few weeks. Kept informed his first week of treatment and I ask when I could visit next. To be told that I couldn't his immune system is too low and it wasn't worth the risk seeing me and my children. I was honestly heartbroken at this point and realised how little I mean to him.

Silence from him since, then a month ago i found out he got the all clear through a post about his amazing wife and 2 children. hmm

This morning I get a text asking if me and my children would like to visit for Christmas.
What do I do? My children are already confused about everything as it is and I don't think I can take another rejection from him again.
Part if me wants to tell him to fuck off and the other just wants to hug him and tell him I love him.

I think you should be honest with him about how much it hurt you finding out that he had the all clear from a post. That and how he said he couldn't see you and your kids but had obviously been surrounded by his "new family" who he praised whilst ignoring your existence. I think with some well chosen and considered words you could put that to him in a polite and calm way.
I know how it feels growing up without your dad. I'm sure I could have written your post as I can imagine my dad being the same. Maybe he didnt mean to be so selfish, maybe he is just selfish.

But my advice is do all you can to keep him in your life, but with boundaries and due respect.

I have a similar relationship with my father and I remind myself when he does something that hurts me a little all over again that one day he won't be here anymore and I'd personally like to have some more time with him on the years I can. But that's just me.

Xx

I would be honest with him about how you feel. Could you maybe try and write a letter to him?
If I was you op I don’t think I would go this Christmas to see him. There comes a point where you need to think of yourself and your dc and if it’s worth trying for a relationship when it is just causing you pain.

It's a bit all or nothing from him, isnt it.... If you want to continue to see him, it sounds like you might benefit from protecting yourself emotionally by learning to manage your expectations, and being prepared for plans to change etc. If you agreed to Christmas then plans changed abruptly, that would be really upsetting wouldnt it? Maybe say that you already have plans, but could see him a week before/after/whenever that wouldn't have the emotional significance of Christmas, IUSWIM.