. . . to think I can't possibly get pregnant now?

[FilledWithFear]

Name change but I'm a fairly regular poster. DH and I are going through our 3rd cycle of IVF and I am SO angry and irritable all the time. I feel like I'm picking arguments with him. Sometimes I feel like I hate him but for the smallest stupidest reasons.

Three weeks ago we were fine and just had the usual very occasional/minor ups and downs of married life. But now I'm furious and just want to shout at him and push him away. I feel like I want to provoke him, hurt his feelings, make him react.

I feel so full of anger and bitterness (without knowing exactly why) that I feel there's absolutely no possible way this IVF can work. I don't deserve it to work, apart from anything else. I'm making him miserable and I can't seem to gather enough self-control to stop.

It might be the oestrogen I'm taking, but it's a lower dose than my previous cycles and I was fine during those.

AIBU to want to cancel the whole thing and try again when I feel like a normal human being? We'd lose a lot of money but I feel like it can't work anyway when I'm so consumed by these negative emotions.

Oh OP. I'm so sorry.
I have no advice but just wanted to give a handhold. Give yourself credit...with what you've been through you're a million times stronger than you've given yourself credit for.

Sounds as though you need some extra support? Does your clinic off any sort of counselling? You mention 3rd round, how did the other 2 end? Did you get pregnant and miscarry or did it just not work? Hugs to you. You've been through so much, it's no wonder you feel crap!!

Thank you both.

The first cycle was really difficult because I was so hopeful that it would work, as a close friend had just become pregnant after their first go so it felt so possible! I was excited, but unfortunately I now know that the progesterone you have to take during the "two week wait" makes you feel pregnant, so it was a catastrophic shock when I did the test and realised that my symptoms were from the meds rather than pregnancy. So I think I was a bit more realistic during the second cycle, but I did become pregnant from that one - although sadly I didn't even get as far as the viability scan before my symptoms faded away and I had to accept that it was a chemical pregnancy.

I did have counselling but I didn't feel that it helped . . . possibly because I didn't need it at the time, but I do now. I think I'll look into the possibility of having another session to see what comes out of it.

I don’t have any advice but just wanted to say I have been through 6 rounds of IVF and some feel harder than others for some reason. My mood & behaviour throughout some of the rounds was horrendous and at times bordering on insane (my poor DP) try not to be too hard on yourself!

I have no idea if it will help but I know of an acupuncturist who treats women undergoing IVF - both on the fertility side of things but also the emotion side. Would it help to see someone like that?

Also the counselling is a good idea, I am currently having counselling and it’s early days but I feel like it is helping already.

One session wont do anything, they recommend atleast between 4 - 6 sessions for it to have any effect

I'd defo recommend getting some more counselling. I had several sessions during fertility treatment and also when my newborn DS almost died in January. I remember Psychology coming round when we were in intensive care and thinking, I don't need you to help me now, I need you to scrape me off the floor in 6m time. We got out of hospital mid February and I fell apart in July. I have been on antidepressants since July and had sessions ever couple of weeks since August and hope to be signed off at the end of November. While I realise it's not the same, I do feel like that IVF is monumental and needs support along side of it. Especially if things don't work out and you go again and again. I also became a monster towards my DH and wanted anyone to pick a fight with me so I could rip their head off, I still have days like it but a lot less. Lots of people told me to be kind to myself and I'll say the same to you. You've been through a lot and defo deserve a break and some help. Sorry for rambling.

Agree counselling might help but also recognition there are synthetic hormones being forced into your body and a large dose of crazy comes with that....

Do you have any hobbies that calm you down? I used to go running to vent my emotions/frustrations but then tried yoga and I can’t tell you how much it helps.

It would be a shame for you to pause this cycle but I agree with you that you need to be in a better place - simply to be able to deal with the outcome either way.

I'm very emotional now, reading about what you've all been through, and your kind words to me. It's helping and I'll definitely look up some counselling options tomorrow. Thank you and I admire you all for your strength in getting through this stuff.

Acupuncture I'm less sure about - I did have it with the first cycle, because there's evidence to show that it helps, but I found it very uncomfortable at times. I remember nearly jumping off the table when certain needles were inserted - and I'm usually totally fine with pain!

I'm all over the place. Maybe it's time for a few months break after this cycle, to get back into a healthier frame of mind. And to give poor DH respite :-(

OP, if you don't like acupuncture try reflexology. I liked it much better and still good for fertility.