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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't know how to feel...

23 replies

Ggirl27 · 13/11/2018 20:32

This is going to be a long one! Am completely at a loss to know what to do or how to feel about this situation but it would be really good to have some thoughts from people who are not living this situation.

My DF left my mother about 14 years ago to live with Mum's best friend from school who we went on family holidays with when I was a child. I kept in (strained) contact with my DF for about 5 years just speaking to each other at Christmas and birthdays. Things came to a head when he announced via text he was going to get engaged to said friend and I lost my temper and said that I didn't want anything to do with it as he couldn't tell me face to face - he has since married her although I wasn't told or invited. I will be honest I don't like her. She was all over my Dad when I was a child and I used to crawl onto his lap and put my arms around his neck to block her getting too close to him - she felt wrong even then.

In the summer I received a letter from her sending me a copy of the attachment he had added to his will saying why he had written me and his grandchildren out of it. It basically says I have ostracised him from my life and his grand children's opinions of him have been poisoned by me and he left my Mum because he wasn't getting enough sex. Although the truth is I told my DCs he had moved a long way away and wouldn't be able to visit us anymore, they are now teenagers but back then I felt they needed to form there own opinions of him not be influenced by me. I have been careful not to bad mouth him there whole lives in front of them. She says she has sent a copy of the will amendment without his knowledge so I have a chance to contact him before it's too late, but I still don't trust her. I have now received another message from her in my DCs birthday card (that she added before she sealed the envelope) that my DF is being treated for a cancerous cyst on his kidney.

What do I do - do I make contact, do I leave it as it is. He was a great Dad before he walked out on us all but he has been AWOL ever since he started his new life and left us behind. He has written me out of his will and has made it clear to the solicitor how he feels so I won't contest it. I am so confused what would you do...

OP posts:

TeddybearBaby · 13/11/2018 20:58

I’d be very hurt. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. What a nightmare.

I don’t know what I’d do, I’m thinking. Have you got siblings? This woman sounds VILE with a capital v 💐

kitkatsky · 13/11/2018 21:01

The fact that this woman is manipulating you by asking you to reconsider Cos of money is horrific! I'm sure (from your post) you're not bothered about the money but about your dad's health, in which case I would forget about your kids' feelings just until you find out whether he's actually ill, wants your involvement and if you can forgive him/ can your mum support it.

StoneofDestiny · 13/11/2018 21:03

Do you want to see him? If so, visit him. If not, don't. The will is not relevant.

Birdsgottafly · 13/11/2018 21:06

Perhaps she is dpi g anything she can to get you to contact him

Perhaps she does love him and knows he would like that, but is too stubborn to make the first move.

The affair wasn't right, but it sounds as though she's always loved him.

If she phones you tomorrow and tells you he's dead, how will you feel?

Birdsgottafly · 13/11/2018 21:08

"and if you can forgive him"

What for? Falling out of love with her Mother and getting with someone he's been happy with for fourteen years?

Oneinthegrave · 13/11/2018 21:16

She put in your child’s birthday card that he has cancer?! Or have I misunderstood that??

Original poster

Ggirl27 · 13/11/2018 21:16

I haven't told my Mum. It would only hurt her even more than it has already. She was heartbroken and has never had a relationship since. I'm not bothered about the Will and the money but I am bothered that he has bad mouthed me to his solicitor and makes it sound like I am the one that is in the wrong. And it is about forgiveness to a certain extent, my parents were married for 30 years, she had no respect for that and they were having an affair while he was still married to my Mum. I still feel so angry with him even after all this time. I do have a DB who is also non contact with him, he too is very angry with him...

OP posts:

Original poster

Ggirl27 · 13/11/2018 21:18

Yes she did - she wrote on the inside of the card that he had cancer

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bringbackthestripes · 13/11/2018 21:19

Hmmmm my DM father suddenly went NC after marrying his new wife and moving abroad (due to her manipulation) This was of course before modern technology. DM sis had been trying to find him for years and finally found a last address was located. He was already dead. This devastated DM & her My aunt. Especially when his friend said how he spoke about them on his death bed.
Putting his new wife’s manipulation and the will aside, do YOU want to see your father before he dies? If not carry on and ignore but ask yourself honestly if you would regret him dying having never seen him again.

Original poster

Ggirl27 · 13/11/2018 21:20

But he has cancer - I can't not be upset about that, I love him, he's my Dad. But he's not a very good one, my DFIL is a million times better that he is

OP posts:

Original poster

Ggirl27 · 13/11/2018 21:23

Bringbackthestripes That's it would I regret not seeing him again before he dies. I just don't know. I'm not sleeping and that is the question that is eating me up inside.

OP posts:

bexcee · 13/11/2018 21:27

He might not have cancer though.
It's a hard position to be in and no right answer.
If it was my dilemma I'd contact my dad and ask to meet for a face to face talk and ask him if he really is ill and take it from there.

Nothininmenoggin · 13/11/2018 21:30

OP get in touch with your Dad as soon as you can. No matter what has gone on in the past he is still your Dad that you love and you can never have this time back when they have gone. His wife sounds awful especially writing this very sad news in your dc birthday card defo not normal behaviour. Just please go see him you have every right to be angry with him but this is a chance to make your peace with him before it is too late.

daffodilbrain · 13/11/2018 21:31

I'd do what you feel is right to do. My DH and siblings were in a similar situation the wicked DSM refused to let them touch or talk to him whilst he was on his death bed! They since found out they'd been cut out of the will (it wasn't the money it was about the act of cutting someone out the will that hurts). I'd go and see him ignore everything the step witch wants and follow your own common sense

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 13/11/2018 21:41

I don't think there is a wrong thing to do here. If you need to make contact with him then do that. If you don't feel that you need to, then ignore it. Your needs matter most here.

Putting the cancer news in a child's birthday is awful, and it wasn't called for to send a copy of the Will amendment either. Would it be possible to contact him without having to have anything to do with his wife? I'm afraid I would tell your mum about the diagnosis though (once you know it is actually true), because if he really is ill and he does die, then she may be further hurt by being deliberately kept in the dark.

Original poster

Ggirl27 · 13/11/2018 21:43

Can't decide what feels right - that's the problem. Not sure walking in and having everything out with him would help him although it might help me. I do feel incredibly hurt to be cut from the Will even though I don't give a stuff about the money - she's probably spent it all anyway. I don't think I could go and see him as she would most likely be there - I couldn't stomach it, she refers to me as the 'bloody difficult daughter' I'm told

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Original poster

Ggirl27 · 13/11/2018 21:47

Dontdribbleonthecarpet I know I'm going to have to tell Mum but I won't show her the Will amendment, it is the most self indulgent, one sided, selfish piece of writing I have ever read and he forgets that I know that some of it isn't true as I was there.

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DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 13/11/2018 22:11

Yes, there's no reason she ever has to see that. I really feel for your mum, I don't know how I'd ever get over a betrayal like that.

bringbackthestripes · 13/11/2018 23:08

If that question is eating you up inside and stopping you sleeping there is your answer.
If you were happy to never see him again before he dies you could roll over and sleep easy.
The will is a non issue- especially as he may have nothing to leave in the first place. The will is not the reason you would see him.
If you visit all you need to say is “hello dad” and then sit, if he then has nothing to say then you can walk away having seen him.

NoSquirrels · 13/11/2018 23:34

Ugh. It won't help you to know that it's a depressingly common scenario. My DH had much the same with his father and new wife. She wasn't in fact the 'family friend' who they went on holiday with as children and turned out to be having an affair with ... that was someone else before the new wife was on the scene. There were probably others too. But all the "they don't talk to me and I'm leaving all my money to the new wife" stuff is unfortunately familiar, alongside the cancer diagnosis.

Small mercies - you know about the will now, so it won't be an unpleasant and hurtful shock later, I guess.

What I'd say is much what I said to my DH - would you regret not being in contact if he died? If so, then you need to be in touch - BUT, you must jealously guard your own emotional well-being and not get drawn into the blame game on either side. He doesn't get to blame you, and you must try to avoid blaming him if at all possible only because it will make no difference at all ... he's not going to admit he was in the wrong after so long (the will addendum makes that clear) so just don't get into it. Keep it superficial.

As for the new wife, you need to avoid getting drawn into any stuff with her at all.

Original poster

Ggirl27 · 14/11/2018 08:23

NoSquirrels Thanks for your post - I think you sum it up quite well. If I do get in touch it would be superficial, I won't feel able to say exactly what I need to say, I'll end up telling him what I think and that might help me but won't help him. So why should I bother if it's not going to be a meaningful meeting. His amendment to the Will says all he feels about me, I don't love him enough to accept what he's done, the current state of our relationship is my fault and he hated his life with my Mum and our family. I'm not happy that he's ill but I can't see how I can resolve this situation and I'm not sure I can move past it while she is involved in it. So much to think about...

OP posts:

bexcee · 16/11/2018 07:23

How you doing Ggirl27?

Original poster

Ggirl27 · 16/11/2018 10:27

Bexcee - thanks for asking , I'm still processing it all. I've calmed down now and I've slept better the last couple of nights. I feel almost bullied by her into contacting him rereading her words on my DCs birthday card. She wants me to contact him so he feels better but it's all about his needs and doesn't take account of my needs at all. I wouldn't be able to see him without her there and I definitely couldn't cope with that so I think I am trying to make peace with the fact that I may never see him again. I also know that as he wrote in my DCs card so he's perfectly capable of contacting me if he felt so strongly about things. It's going to be on my mind for a while and I will be vetting Christmas cards for messages before they are given to my DCs because she should never have written a message like that in a child's birthday card.

OP posts:

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