DH wanting another child after FIL Alzheimers diagnosis

[MrsMcKenzie]

Hi ladies,

Not really sure if this is the correct thread to post in, but I would really appreciate everyone’s advice. Basically DH’s Dad is 63 years old and has just recently been diagnosed with early on-set Alzheimers. We are all absolutely devestated by this, he’s been having memory issues for a while now and deep down we all knew there was something not quite right. DH now wants to have another baby due to the diagnosis. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? We already have a 16 month old DD and it’s DH parents that actually watch her for us so we can go work. My parents aren’t involved at all. I just don’t know what to do, I feel like I can barely afford to provide for the one I have already. It’s such a horrible situation :( Any advice would be appreciated ladies

I'm not seeing the connection - what does FIL having alzheimers have to do with having another baby?

First of all you need to start investigating alternative child care as PiL are almost certainly not going to be in a position to look after your daughter for too much longer.

I'm not sure why the diagnosis has prompted your DH to want another baby but as long as you can afford childcare for both children and you both want another then there is no reason why not.

Have you talked about having another baby at all before the diagnosis?

Is this because they look after your child and you think they won't be able to ?

Also echo PP in not really understanding where your DH is coming from - this doesn’t seem like a good reason for another baby?

Sorry to be negative OP but my dad is the same age (but diagnosed 3 yrs ago) and I cannot tell you how much work it is looking after him. That said he’s on his own whereas presumably your MIL will care for FIL? But I bet you she will need support/help from you and DH and I can almost guarantee they won’t be able to do childcare - young onset tends to progress faster than older onset (tho every case is different).

My DH and I have only just decided to start a family and the major thing holding us back was how we’d manage with DF. Can’t even imagine having TWO very small kids - one seems pretty daunting.

Sorry that’s not very cheery but you need to be realistic. And for you and DH - it’s awful. Please don’t let him rush you into anything.

Is it that you were always planning on two kids and now your DH wants to have the second one sooner before his father gets too ill? Otherwise I don’t really see why the diagnosis would make him want another child, particularly as realistically this diagnosis is going to mean you will need to find other childcare at some point.
I think you need to find out the reasons why DH wants another child (Especially if he didn’t want one at all before the diagnosis), and discuss with him all the reasons why you don’t think it’s a good idea. A diagnosis like this will be hard on all the family, emotionally and practically eg MIL may need help looking after FIL. If you were planning a baby already I’d say don’t let this stop you, but if you weren’t then I think your DH needs to consider the pressures of looking after two young children, and an ill parent.

DH now wants to have another baby due to the diagnosis.

Not sure I follow this train of thought. Is it because he wants to make sure you have another DC while his Dad is still able to understand and get to know it?

Agree you will have to investigate alternative child care

Sorry to hear your news x Number of things could be going on

1. Your DH maybhave wanted a second child anyway and believes now is the time and this is unrelated to the situation with your FIL - many people prefer a 2 year gap - in which case you need to think so you want a second child and if so how you can afford this given childcare will no longer be available from PIL

2. seeing his father ill may make your DH reconsider his own mortality and make the desire for a second child more strong and urgent

3. sometimes and only rarely dementia can have a hereditary features perhpas DH is fearful of this and is keen to have 2 or more children to share what he may perceive of as a potential future burden. But pls let me stress I think dementia is rarely heriditary

All in all DH mind may be in a sense of shock about the diagnosis and perhaps give him some time to adjust to the news before making any decisions

Do you mean that your DH thinks you should hurry up with having another DC so that your PILs can do the childcare before FIL's decline becomes too bad for it to be feasible? If so, I think he is being massively unreasonable and irresponsible. There's no telling what trajectory dementia will take - it could be slow, it could be alarmingly rapid. This all places massive responsibility on your MIL, and if anything I think you should be making - or be poised to make - alternative childcare arrangements for your first DC rather than rushing to have another 'before it's too late'. GPs doing childcare is a lucky bonus where the GPs are able and willing, but it looks like they may be neither of those things sooner rather than later. Is there any hurry to have another DC aside from all this?

Sorry to hear about your FIL's diagnosis, OP. I'm assuming that your DH wants his father to know the new baby - and for the baby to know him - before his condition worsens?

I see your concerns about the cost involved as well though, especially if you'll need to pay for two lots of childcare. Such a difficult time for you all.

Hi all,

Sorry should have clarified - it’s so his Dad can meet the baby before his condition progressively worsens. Thanks for responses, greatly appreciated.

OK, your OP makes more sense now. But again, I think any such plan depends on things you've no way of knowing.

I will add, though, my father had dementia in his last years, and the pleasure he got from meeting and holding my tiny ones was immense, even though he had no clue who they were and didn't remember it later the same day. I guess it tapped into memories of his own children as little ones, and also brought pleasure at quite a basic, visceral level to be holding a tiny beaming bundle in a babygro or blanket.

I think you should probably resist the temptation to make a hasty decision about this, understandable though it is that your DH suddenly sees sand running through the hourglass.

I do understand where your DH is coming from, a friend has just been diagnosed with a terminal illness and our TTC plans have come forward - not as a direct reason (DFriend is unlikely to meet a child of ours) but because it’s focused our minds on the really important stuff in life, and we know that while it might be a bit easier to wait until we get the promotion/move house/pass a milestone birthday, that there’s never a ‘good’ time and you never know what’s around the corner.

What were your original plans for DC2? Did you plan to have one at all? What was on the checklist for deciding when the time would be right? If you’d like to go ahead and you think it’s practically do-able then go for it - life is short. But it has to be a decision you make jointly, don’t let him railroad you into it based on FIL’s diagnosis.

It's a difficult one. I can see where your husband is coming from. And another new little family member would also perhaps provide everyone with a welcome distraction from what I know is a devastating diagnosis.

You really need to start planning for alternative childcare though. Your MIL will be caring for her husband in the coming years so you can't really rely on them to be your sole source of childcare - might be fine now, but trust me, in 2 - 3 years time the picture could look very different as your FIL deteriorates.

Very sorry about your news, I know how devastating a diagnosis of early onset Alzheimer's can be for everyone involved

Sorry should have clarified - it’s so his Dad can meet the baby before his condition progressively worsens. Thanks for responses, greatly appreciated.

That makes sense. Good luck, whatever you decide.

You don’t sound like you want another one, at this point at least? So don’t do it! Just tell him no, it’s not something you should feel forced into.

it’s so his Dad can meet the baby before his condition progressively worsens

I'm not sure this is a sensible idea. There will be a time when FIL deteriorates and MIL will be run ragged with caring duties. She'll need help. That help will probably have to come from DH. Meanwhile, you'll be left holding the babies. And when the inevitable happens, DH will be needed some more, to help MIL through her grief. All his grieving will have to happen at home and there's no prizes for guessing who'll be picking up the pieces.

sometimes and only rarely dementia can have a hereditary features perhpas DH is fearful of this and is keen to have 2 or more children to share what he may perceive of as a potential future burden. But pls let me stress I think dementia is rarely heriditary

@cheshirecat777
That's not true for early onset Alzheimer's unfortunately

Early onset dementia progresses faster than other types of dementia. The idea that you should have another child "so FIL can meet it" and presumably look after it, is not really feasable. FIL could be too far gone by the time you 1) got pregnant and 2) had the baby.

The fact that the PIL are your child carers , makes it even more of a problem. Your MIL is going to have her hands full with caring for her husband, let alone two little children. Your husband needs to rethink this idea.

My husband has early onset Alzheimer’s which was diagnosed in his late fifties. It has progressed rapidly and he spends a lot of time in hospital with delirium which is awful to watch. Whether or not you have another child is up to you and your husband but I would imagine your in laws are going to need a lot of support soon and to be honest Early onset dementia patients don’t care much about others - he may not be able to engage with a new baby soon.

Don’t make the decision to have another baby based on your FIL’s condition. Do it for the right reasons when the time is right. And in the meantime I think you have to look at your childcare options. I’m younger than my husband and had to give up work to be a full time carer.

Good luck and I hope his dementia moves slowly.

I'm sorry about your husband chocolatemademefat.

I also think it's not going to be long and you'll need alternative childcare so I'd start planning and possibly saving for that now.

As others have said early onset Alzheimer's is a lot more aggressive than normal Alzheimer's and your husband will be dealing with his father going through that and supporting his family and he might not be able to be as supportive of you and a new baby as he would like. I don't think it's a sensible time especially with you needing to find and afford childcare for two children once your in laws can no longer help

I would say don’t have a baby just to please your DH. (Speaking from bitter experience here).

But you have no way of knowing how long it may take you to become pregnant, then there's nine months etc., and by that stage your poor FIL may not be in any state to even know what a baby is, let alone recognise it as his grandchild. I think your DH is obviously devastated by the diagnosis and trying wildly how to 'make it right' somehow. I'm sure your FIL enjoys your current child anyway, why is there any need to have another one just so he can see it?

I would just add, that you and DH need to have a conversation about current childcare arrangements before worrying about another child.
With this hanging over them, your PIL may appreciate some couple time of their own while they are still able to appreciate it.
They may want to travel a bit or do things that they had planned to do once "their" childcare services were no longer required.
It would be good for your DH to think about their needs at this time rather than his.
Commiserations all round.