To be on the verge of tears at this text from a parent in DC’s class?

[Milomonster]

DS is 7 and has Asperger’s. Backstory - a new parent last year sent me a stroppy email asking me to speak to my child as there were some issues with his son. I wrote back and told her he struggles socially due to his ASD but that he’d made massive progress. Anyway, she’s blanked me ever since.

Since Friday, she’s been making loads of noise on the class whatsapp about her son’s lost uniform. She’s revived lots of advice where to look. I stay quiet on the channel. I then receive this text from her:

Dear Milo, your DS said that he took my son’s tracksuit top by mistake last Friday. Can you please ask him to bring it tomorrow at school?
Bitchmum

I replied straight away to ask who he said it to. No reply. I called her and asked her again and she said her son said it. I told her I would have noticed and had he brought it back home, I’d have sent it back straight away. She proceed to ask where she should look (she’s asked on the chat).

I’m really upset as I feel DS was an easy target to accuse and my boy was accused of stealing. I asked him if he’d been asked about the top and he couldn’t understand why his mum mentioned his name. He’s never once taken a child’s things and is careful with his own.

I feel I need to speak to the Mum in person and tell her I did t appreciate the accusatory time. Or am I reading too much into it? I know kids say all sorts but then to have presented it as fact is nuts.

AIBU?

The first exchange between you should have been handled by the school rather than the other mother approach you directly.

I'm struck by the fact that when she said she wanted you to speak to your son about "issues" between the kids, you didn't say yea or nay or try to reassure her on the front but went on about his ASD-related struggles and improvement. That really doesn't address the parent's specific concern, does it?

But she should have addressed her concerns via the school in the first place so whatevs.

Second issue, she didn't accuse him. She quoted him, albeit third hand.

I'm not surprised you stay quiet on the class WhatsApp. It sounds like the road to hell. Just direct everything via the school.

Class whatsapp group? Is this a thing now?

It’s these type of group chats that the developers kindly provided the “mute conversation” function for

My brother has aspergers (now 38) and my husband is a year 6 teacher and SEN co-ord, so i'm writing this with their experiences in mine - as well as my own as a mum.
I think you are (understandably) being a little over sensitive, but a think there is an undertone in the other mums messages.
Some children do identify the 'different' child and they become the go-to scapegoat - and it sounds like thats whats happened here (here child loses/misplaces something, and its automatically your DS fault)
Try not to engage the mum, but when you get a chance do have a quiet word with the class teacher just to make them aware.
Mums like her, and her child, will always be the exception - so try not to let it get to you.

If anything happens in school, get school to deal with it. Then they get a much fuller picture of any issues between children.

I can understand why you are sensitive about your son. He sounds like he is doing well, don't let this woman get to you.

I would arrange a quick chat to the class teacher to let them know the situation, firstly what has gone on previously and why you are bringing it up now.

I volunteer in a primary school and teachers do prefer it that matters within school are dealt with by school. It stops fist fights in the playground

I can totally see that you might detect a subtext of targeting your son in that message. However, whether or not that was the case, with people like this you always respond only to what they actually say. Take everything literally at surface level. That way you avoid them making you the bad guy. So now you've answered the question, case closed, step away. Do the same if it ever happens again.

Dear Bitchmom,

I've had a good look, checked his bag etc and unfortunately, we don't have it.

Sorry we couldn't help.
Milo.

(and yes, like others have said, I'd avoid any subtext whether real or imagined)

Oh and I don't read that as necessarily stealing. Kids drag all sorts of things home. I had a kid who was very disorganised and would scoop up the pile around him. As he came home on the bus I couldn't frisk him at school. I'd text the mum with an apology, wash the clothes and send it back the next day.

The idea of a class What's App group sounds awful. If I need to know anything it's in the school newsletter, school website or the school will send a text. I don't understand what's to be gained from a group. I have the phone numbers of DD friends parents n that's enough.

I joined my six year old’s class parents’ WhatsApp recently — as I don’t do drop-offs or pick-ups, it’s useful for checking missing homework or clarifying kit needed for a school trip with people who have much more direct contact with DS’ teachers — the assumption is still that parents will see a notice on the noticeboard at school. However, I turn off all notifications, because there’s also intermittently reams of maundering about school meals and nativity play costumes with no punctuation and lots of lols.

She hasn’t accused him of stealing though. You’ve made that up. She clearly said he took it “by mistake”.

I know you said you'd notice if you had it but have you actually checked, just in case?

On the verge of tears, really?
She text you after asking people on the whatsapp group, sounds like others were responding. You weren't. She text you because as far as she is concerned your child accidentally picked up the top. In her shoes what did you expect her to do, say nothing? She could only go from the information she was given. You told her your child didn't and that's the end of it.
Now if she had continued to text, call and mention it on the group chat that would be different. But she didn't and I don't know why others are calling her names tbh.

your DS said that he took my son’s tracksuit top by mistake last Friday

Is she saying that her son told her your son said that? Have you actually asked your son anything about it?

I think her message was quite curt in tone, not very pleasant and seems sure your son has it, hence the bring it back tomorrow comment.

I'd try to keep your sons difficulties a bit more private from now on, parents don't seem to care about underlying issues with other peoples children. The initial email you probably overshared when really all you had to say was I'm really sorry to hear this, I'll deal with it. End of.

don't worry.we are all sensitive when it comes to our kids especially when they have extra things to deal with.
sounds like its all spiraling a bit now so take it back to basics and get it sorted calmly.
it sounds like there is something behind her words.but that's her problem.not your circus not your monkey.she has to go on and lvie with being that kind of person and you don't need to react and engage with that.not worth it.
for now as pp have given some reallygood advice id with whatbeen said.
maybe to ask you son one more time.maybe just say you've heard so and so lost his top.have you seen it anywhere milo, it would be nice if we could find it.just incase hes accidently scooped it up.escpecialy if its turned into a big deal he might not know how to say if he did accidently take it.
and then either say to her sorry about the mix up but dc has definitely not got it.fingers crossed it turns up soon.
and or take it to the school.
but don't get swirled up in her aimed or not emotional stuff.