To ask if your DH use things you've told him against you in arguments?

[Thisismyyear2019]

Just that really. I'm not with this person anymore, but he would always use things I've told him about myself against me in arguments.

Example: I told him about my absent father, and how not having him in my life affected me. In arguments he will say : " well even your father couldn't be bothered to see you.."

Or I would tell him about a past relationship and how tight that person was with money. In an argument he will say : " what don't you go back to your ex who couldn't even buy you a meal .." this is constant.

It makes me not even open up to future boyfriends tbh, in case they throw it back in my face. Anyone else had a partner like this?

DH doesn’t but I remember my parents (only) once doing this and it still hurts me. My whole group of friends had fallen out with me and were bullying me and my new friend. I was acting up at home and they called me a cow and said it’s no wonder my friends had all fallen out with me.

That one time had such a profound effect on me and still hurts me so I can understand why it’s affected you if your ex used to this a lot. It isn’t normal though so please try to feel you can trust others not to do this.

Ooh no that's really nasty OP. On rare occasion DH might dredge something up, he let the cat out during the fireworks recently, I was out looking for him and worried, DH said well you nearly let him escape when we moved, I just didn't think about the fireworks. Even that got a raised eyebrow from me and a reminder that tit for tat is for children, but what you're describing is someone using very personal emotional information about your past to attack you. That's not ok

My ex husband did. One of the reasons he is now an ex.

I think this probably happens in many relationships in both directions. Women tend to have long,er retentive memories and can recall something from years ago in an argument and I speak as guilty myself!

When I was teaching if I told a girl off in Year 7 she would still remember it on the day she leaves, a boy shrugs it off generally.

This isn’t at all normal, it’s shitty and abusive behaviour. I’m glad you aren’t with him anymore

My mother in law has but my husband wouldn’t, I think anyone who does something like that regularly is pretty abusive.

Agree - this is abusive behaviour and horrible

A good book on this is the verbally abusive relationship by pat Evans

Yes. Now ex. Have even told my daughters to keep their counsel to their future partners about their past. It's abuse. I cannot see myself trusting a man with that kind of thing ever again.

No, he doesn't. I think that's horrible.

We might argue sometimes but do never sets out to meanly hurt my feelings.

My ex did. It’s extremely abusive behaviour to use someone’s past as an argument pawn. It’s got literally NOTHING to do with your partner, what happened in your past, and certainly doesn’t define you now.

My STBXH did, at the end and when trying to persuade me to go back to him which was a good solid confirmation that I'd made a good decision.

It's horrible OP and I'm sorry it's had such a lasting effect on you. But you are not diminished by his treatment of you - you are still a strong thoughtful woman who despite her past is growing and worthy of someone's love and time. Might the Freedom Programme be helpful to you to help you heal and get past this?

Thank you for all your replies. I agree, he was really abusive aswell. I could be in a really good mood that day, but as soon as he used my past against me it would really bring me down. Thank goodness he's gone!

I will look up freedom programme, thanks!

My mother did this often. My confidence has never been high because of it

No never if he did I would dump him. An ex used too but he had a nasty streak and im glad hw is an ex. It is a horrible trait and betrayal of your trust. I would definitely fall out of love with him.

My ex boyfriend used to do his.

We were together from school, and in the last year of school I got pregnant. I decided to terminate, although he said ‘it might be fun to have a kid’ I didn’t feel ready to become a parent at 16.

Once we were in front of all his friends about 4 years later, and the conversation was on future families etc and I said a comment about how I would love to have a family some day, and he said ‘you’d have to stop terminating them first’

No one knew I had terminated except my mum and him. I was mortified. Why I didn’t break up with him then I don’t know.

Goodness no, that's unkindness on a whole new level. I wouldn't use anything like that against DH in an argument, either.

How awful that so many people have lived with and loved people who do that to them.

Never. It's not okay.

@Tunnocks34 I'm so sorry to hear that, thank goodness he's an ex now!

I also remember how understanding he was when I was telling him about my past, and all the things I've been through, only to throw it back in my face