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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ex stopping seeing DS

24 replies

needsahouseboy · 12/11/2018 10:59

I am really bloody pissed off. DS dad didn't see him for nearly 6 years. He then got in contact saying he wanted to see him and this was all arranged.
Worked up to weekends away. Its been very, very trying due to:
-Only wanted to see him once a month.
-DS homework club is on a Friday for his year and so he decided that he was not going to wait/turn up 50 minutes later and so has refused to have him for weekends. Told DS it wasn't worth his time picking him early Saturday and taking him home until Sunday. He lives a 2-3 hour drive away and this is a man that would travel from Germany to UK to referee a football match and then drive back to Germany!
-Only sees him from 10-5 one Saturday a month. However, doesn't always turn up or refuses to see him for a number of reasons e.g. us being somewhere 10 mins away due to DS hobby and refuses to pick him up anywhere but our house even if its closer for him!! Not responding to emails in the time he stipulates despite the fact he's blocked on my email due to the abusive ones he sends to me.
-DS will have an important activity to do or party to go to and he won't take him or swap days so will just not see him that month.

All very difficult to deal with and DS (8) refuses to speak to him on the phone because his Dad moans/nags him and tells him that I'm being unfair about various things like homework club etc. So last night had an email from him (new email account) telling me I had to tell DS that unless he spoke to him every Sunday he will stop seeing him. Explained this to DS who has flatly refused to speak to him on the phone and therefore his Dad has cut all contact and will no longer see him.

AIBU to be absolutely fuming about this and wish all kinds of nasty on the prick! This is not a normal way to treat a child is it? I'm not doing it again without a court, this is the third time he's stopped seeing him.

OP posts:

MrsStrowman · 12/11/2018 11:05

Keep every email he's sent and if he wants contact now he'll have to go to court. He sounds horrible

Original poster

needsahouseboy · 12/11/2018 11:10

I have every email going way back. I've blocked his new email, I have had enough my poor son is so down but also pretty clued up. I have flatly refused to lie or make excuses about his fathers behavior and I have answered any questions honestly. I don't want my DS thinking this is how you treat children.

I'm so angry about it.

OP posts:

Doyoumind · 12/11/2018 11:10

Your ex doesn't get to dictate the terms of contact. He sounds like a shit dad and if DS isn't interested I don't think you should be going out of your way to facilitate contact.

I would advise him that you he needs to consider what's best for DS and work around that. If that doesn't suit him he will have to take legal action to see whether the courts think he's being reasonable.

NewBabyNoName · 12/11/2018 11:10

Does your DD want to spend any time with him? If not, I'd absolutely not bother unless it's court ordered. He sounds like a prize arsehole.

NewBabyNoName · 12/11/2018 11:11

Original poster

needsahouseboy · 12/11/2018 11:16

Sorry not sure I have made it clear. He's not going to see DS ever again because DS refuses to speak to him on the phone. That's it, end of contact as far as ex twatface is concerned.

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Doyoumind · 12/11/2018 11:25

If you are cutting contact completely I would just make sure you are set up to be successful should any legal action be taken.

By that I mean a final warning/last chance type of email so that you are fully covered before refusing contact. If you so feel that you've already done that, it's fine. I just wouldn't want him to pursue it in the courts and have any kind of ammunition you've unwittingly given him. The courts tend to prefer some kind of contact and they award it to utterly shit, unreasonable, abusive dads. As long as you can show you wanted to help with contact and it was him who rejected it, that's fine.

smilingelizabeth · 12/11/2018 11:27

It sounds like your ds is better off without him as he's showing him he's unreliable and selfish.

It's hard for your ds, and for you as you probably feel he's let your son down and you feel justifiably very angry. I think as parents we want to protect our children and when the other parent does something to hurt our children it's baffling and very hurtful. I've been there.

I'd advise you to wait until he makes an application through the court for contact and if he doesn't then it's probably because he's not that bothered.

smilingelizabeth · 12/11/2018 11:29

Just occurred to me... could your son text him and build up to speaking on the phone?

Original poster

needsahouseboy · 12/11/2018 11:30

doyoumind I have not cut contact his dad has stopped contact because DS refuses to speak to him on the phone.

OP posts:

Original poster

needsahouseboy · 12/11/2018 11:31

DS used to speak to him on the phone but because of how his Dad would speak to him on the phone stopped wanting to and now flatly refuses to.

OP posts:

Doyoumind · 12/11/2018 11:38

He may come crawling back. Perhaps you don't think he will but you should just be prepared that one day he will go to court. Hopefully he won't bother.

Some people men don't understand, or care to understand children. Ordering your DS to speak to him and then speaking to him in a way that's not going to encourage him is something I've seen as well.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/11/2018 11:40

Tbh, I'd leave it now.

If twatface wants to cut contact over something so petty, then the lad is much better off.

Your DS is getting older and thus will get more of his opinions about his dad. Listen to want he wants and go from there.

If your ex is waiting until DS is older to form a relationship without your "interference" he'll find that his left it far too late.

BarbarianMum · 12/11/2018 11:45

YAB Totally U This is the best possible outcome for your ds (short of your ex turning from an arsehole into a decent human being). Embrace it. No more contact until ds is a grown up and even then only if he wants it.

Original poster

needsahouseboy · 12/11/2018 11:47

Erm I'm being unreasonable to be angry at my ex because he has let my DS

OP posts:

Original poster

needsahouseboy · 12/11/2018 11:48

let my DS down that should say

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BarbarianMum · 12/11/2018 11:52

No, you should be angry that he's been letting him down for years. And pleased that he won't be dragging out his miserable treatment of his ds any longer. So much easier for him to chose to disappear than for you to have to forceably remove him from your ds' life.

flirtygirl · 12/11/2018 11:53

I think you should have left it in the first place, 6 years and your child was young so knew no different. Why even allow contact?

Do what is best for your son and it sounds like not dealing with a manipulative dad, who sounds passive aggressive and bad contact is in the best interests of your son.

Contact probably never should have started.

Contact like this damaged me far more than an absent sperm donor did.

If he won't pursue it through the courts then don't force it, let your son grow up secure without being messed around by sperm donor. Thus man is not be a dad or a father so should not be called one.

This time of contact has probably messed your son up. Dad's are great if they are good and keep in contact and actually parent.

A son with a strong mother and good role models can still grow up to be good man.

swingofthings · 12/11/2018 11:58

You've shown your ds that you did everything to support him having contact with his dad. His dad has now shown to be a selfish idiot. Your ds has now seen it with his own eyes, will be so much easier to move on knowing he isn't missing out on anything.

It was for the best this way consisting it is obvious he isn't father material.

cricketmum84 · 12/11/2018 12:13

Oh love, I really feel for you and your DS.

I can look at this from your DS perspective as my dad did exactly the same. Contact was unreliable, pretty much your ex down to a T! He would cut contact with us every few years and then get back in touch when he got a new girlfriend and want to show us off, turn up once a month, then start to miss visits, not nice on the phone, leave us waiting at the gate in our best clothes ready for our day out and never turn up. Cut contact and then a few years later the cycle would start again.

While your son may not voice this you really really need to make sure he knows that it's nothing he has done wrong that's caused his dads shitty behaviour. I spent a very very long time with a lot of issues over what I had done wrong for my dad not to love me enough to stick around. I never said this out loud until I started therapy last year (30 years after he left)!

Keep talking to him, tell him how special he is and how much you love him.

Keep in mind that your ex may rear his ugly head again in a few years and want contact. Keep all emails and communications and make him go through court for it. At least if it's court ordered contact he has to stick to it. Surely a history of missing court ordered contact won't bode well for the next time he decides to drop his son and bugger off again!!

Hugs and

cushioncuddle · 12/11/2018 13:39

He is trying to pass the guilt onto your son - I wanted to see you but you refused to talk to me on the phone. I warned you and you didn't comply so it's your fault.
That's gross and he does not deserve your sons time, love or respect.

MrsJane · 12/11/2018 13:46

Your poor ds... his 'dad' is being a selfish prick.

Keep everything for evidence. Send him one final email outlining his position, and your view of it (keep it simple, state the facts) then say he cannot go back on this again as you won't have your poor ds messed around like this again. It's so cruel and damaging.

Then give him one last chance to rectify the situation. 7 days maybe? If you don't hear from him then block and never let your poor ds get dropped like that again.

sue51 · 12/11/2018 13:47

What a miserable, childish excuse of a man. I'm shocked that a father can behave this way. Do hang on to emails, texts whatever as there may be a time when they are needed for court or for your son to try and make sense of his father's action.This is in no way your or your son 's fault.

Original poster

needsahouseboy · 12/11/2018 14:32

I had to give DS the chance to see his dad when ex asked for contact last year, its not as simple as just saying no my DS had a right to see his Dad. I also did not want to be the one that stopped him from seeing his dad and have that thrown back in my face when DS was a teenager or older.

This was his last chance though and he will not be seeing DS again unless he goes back to court. There was a court order from years ago where he tried to force me to drive despite him being the one that moved away. It was also because he was lying to everyone saying I was stopping him from seeing him when I wasn't and could prove it was him not turning up. He stuck to 2 court ordered weekends before he stopped seeing altogether. No more though, I gave him a thrid chance ( he stopped seeing him for 3 months not long afetr he left, prior to not seeing him for nearly 6 years) and he has well and truelly blown it.

I ahve spent the last year explaining things to my DS, correcting teh bullshit his father has come out with and my mantra has been 'what would I have done in that situaton?' e.g ex not turning for some crappy reason. DS then comes out with the appropriate parenting response i.e. 'oh you wouldn't have stopped seeing me' or 'you would haev picked me up from anywhere mummy' and then I reply 'see its nothing, nothing whatsoever to do with anything you have done or anything you are and your dad is selfish man' I know we aren't supposed to say anything negative but when faced with such shitty behaviour I feel not saying anything bad about it could make my son think how he is being treated is acceptable when its not.

The last time he failed to turn up my DS said 'it doesn't really matter if I don't see him again as its you that does everything for me [activites, school, caring etc], daddy is not interested in doing any of that stuff with me' Bloody heartbreaking to hear.

I want to torture that bloody man for what he has done to my DS. Ex blames me for everything though even when he doesn't turn up its my fault?!?!?! Funny how is older daughter from his first marriage only wants to see him 3 times a year!

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