Demanding ex

[isiteasieryet]

Having a really tough time with DC's mum, refusing access, abusive messages etc. currently getting legal advice. DH got a message last night, you must have DC this weekend from Friday - til Monday 4pm. I need a break and need to get away. You cannot allow 'easier' access. You may stay at my house. Non negotiable make it work.

AIBU that this is just ridiculous - ( been with DH 10 years, DC is early teen) At a complete loss as to why someone can be so batshit crazy.

Just me who thinks it's nuts then ! ?

Ok, chill, it's Monday morning.

Have you been actively involved most of the time & has there been an incident? 10 years is a long time to have that attitude if everything has been rosy. Has the father always been involved since they split?

If yes, then that certainly seems unreasonable - can he say happy to have them but at my house?

Feels like there's more to the story....

She sounds horrible however legal advice social services etc need to be contacted messages shown to them and get a contact agreement drawn up in court. The only way to deal with this is through legal otherwise this stuff will keep continuing

Is this new? If not, why have you not been to court? It’s the only way this will be resolved.

Do you mean your DH's children OP? It does sound a nightmare and i feel for you and can understand why you'd need to vent but why can your DH not put his foot down? Surely if you've been with him 10 years you'll have known this was what his situation like when you decided to have a relationship with him. Whether she's batshit or not (on the face of it she sounds unreasonable) the situation he has with her is his baggage, he's not going to be able to extracate himself from it so it will presumably always form part of your lives.

What legal outcome are you hoping for? Its really not that clear from your post but have you not ever been around his DC if she is saying you cannot? Unless you are a safeguarding risk there isn't a great deal she can do about that. What is the custody arrangement that is in place?

At the end of the day he doesn't have to 'make it work' and stay at her house on her demand. I understand he might not want to cause drama and risk seeing the DC less if she spites him but why can he not respond saying 'sorry that does not work for us, we are more than happy to take the DC this weekend at our family home'. He needs to stick to his guns.

DH always been present and supportive, the relation between DC mum has always been trying. It generally cycles between chaotic and steady. DH has never perused legal route, he always felt if things could be amicable that's better. Generally most of the abuse is aimed at him and he can handle it. I've been involved respectfully, never intruded. But been good support to DC. Taught them to swim, coach them in athletics, support them at football. Always been polite to DC mum, helped them pick out birthday gifts etc.
however she has taken a dramatic turn against us over the past 6 weeks. DH has offered to have DC here in our home, where they have rooms etc. but 100% not good enough. If he doesn't stay with them this weekend she'll take them away. Just don't understand what drives such behaviour?!

I think he need to apply for a prohibited steps order and properly arranged access. It’s judt stupid to be putting yourselves through this nonsense.

Defo unreasonable then. Tell her he's going legal as she is BU.

Good luck

From what you have written, YANBU, but with no court order in place, I am not sure what you can do.

You need to go to court for a Child Arrangements Order to formalise contact. You might have to let the weekend go. I wouldn't agree to contact in the terms exW has given, but DH should offer to have them at his home. Neither party should be dictating terms.

Custody generally has been eow. With ad hoc over holidays. However we've been keen for more but never been allowed it. I've always felt DH has been a bit of doormat with her. But I've tried to keep out. But this is getting ridiculous. I've not seen DC in 6 weeks. DH has only been able to see him in small time slots, football here, milkshake there - now she's demanding he stays at here house. Weird

Why doesn't he agree, and then when she buggers off on the Friday night, just bring the DC home?

@Hellohah - brilliant !
To be honest I'd like her to lose her shit over that !

What happened 6 weeks ago to set her off? Not blaming you of course YANBU just trying to understand her motives?

Time to get official and get a proper access plan in place.

DC started pulling away, crying for their mum while they were with us. We put it down to teenage drama. She got really personal, started saying terrible things about myself and DH. I removed myself from the situation and left DH to handle it. That was like a red rag to a bull, things have been dreadful since.