To be too empathetic

[hippoherostandinghere]

I am a huge empath and sometimes I feel it's to my detriment. I feel sorry for everyone, if someone does something bad I always feel there's a reason for it or explain it away and end up feeling sorry for them. If someone in my family is sad I bare the whole wait of their sadness and I hate doing anything to annoy other people.
Do you believe you can be empathetic to a fault?

Whether it's a fault would depend on the consequences that you're empathy has. For instance, do you use it to excuse bad behaviour meaning that you're more likely to accept it, or do you use it to understand the reasons for bad behaviour but still treat it accordingly?

What impact does it have on your day-to-day life?

This was fascinating yesterday. Might be worth a listen.
www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b084bgrl

I’m the same OP. I find it painful to witness people in pain (even fictional characters) to the point where it can affect me for days. And I am far to quick to find excuses for people’s bad behaviour (especially when they behave badly towards me).

I try to see it as something which can be very beneficial, but also an area of vulnerability which I need to be aware of.

hey, yes! I am also. It's called "excessive empathy". Do an empathy quotient test, it's the equivalent of an intelligence quotient (IQ) test but in regards to empathy. If you do have excessive empathy the test will reveal this to you.

You can kinda work out if you have excessive empathy in your day to day life, for example, if a friend were to tell you they were rejected for a date, you would respond with your empathy, feeling the pain of their rejection, expressing concern for how they are feeling, offering support on acknowledging they are feeling rejected ...However, your friend will say "hey it's fine it's not that big a deal, I'm okay" and they will have seen your reaction as an overreaction. It's just an example, but if that sort of dynamic occurs with your interactions then it's likely you have excessive empathy.

I learned to balance myself more after learning that I was excessively empathic. It is definitely to your own detriment. I had found myself in abusive relationships as I was a prime target for narcissists and controlling older men (they love empaths!). You need to "reprogramme yourself" (not sure how else to word that) to not be so bothered about how your actions affect other people. Look after yourself and love yourself FIRST, it is your job to do so, no one else is going to do it for you. If people are bothered or annoyed by certain things you do, it's their problem, not yours, you have to do YOU x

also RE: Blanchedupetitpois "And I am far to quick to find excuses for people’s bad behaviour (especially when they behave badly towards me)."

this is notable! Op, do you also experience this? One way of getting yourself out of this habit is to learn yourself better, understand your own moral compass, get to grips with what you feel is or isn't acceptable in your life. Work out the things that you will not tolerate and let your own moral compass guide your decision making.

In the nicest possible way, OP, over-emoting about the woes of the world, or handwringing about the fact that the postman's sister's cousin's hairdresser's dog had to be put to sleep is deeply tiresome to be around. If you worry about annoying other people, I'd keep a lid on it. Maybe channel it into activism.

Codependency. Get it under control and your life and the lives of others will be improved.

First you have to decide who you are and what you stand for. If you can't do that without reference to your relationships then something's wrong.

Childhood with adults who had to be "managed" is a common source: alcoholism, addiction, anger-issues. No teaching of how to decide what's right and follow through. Just sweeping under the carpet, excuse after excuse, nothing really changes.

Ring any bells?

Agree with EurekaStreet.

Am a lone parent. Sometimes my child gets ill, my friend goes WAY over the top and completely over reacts if I tell her he's not well. It does my head in. Same if he's tired etc. She takes time off work at the drop of a hat and I think it's all connected.

When someone says they're a huge empath, I always think of Deanna Troi in Star Trek: the Next Generation, who was always saying things like 'Captain, I -- I sense some hostility...? ' when a federation of bloodthirsty Romulans were shooting their way through the ship's shields and cackling villainously.

I don't understand large amounts of stranger empathy. I can't feel or imagine what you're going through and don't understand people who can. I have compassion, and lots of that though.

'Captain, I -- I sense some hostility...? ' when a federation of bloodthirsty Romulans were shooting their way through the ship's shields and cackling villainously.

😂😂😂

I recognise it, but I've learned to take a step back and not get affected as much by other people's woes. It's exhausting and draining. I've even stopped FB and all that stuff, it just takes too much positive energy away. Sometimes creating some distance and not get into too many in-depth conversations preserves your own positive energy. And cutting out people who just zap your energy (look up energy vampires, they do exist ;-), helps too. You can't solve other people's problems, but can look after yourself.

Cottontail you hit the nail on the head, and I had never linked it back to childhood issues so thanks for that. I'm going to do the empathy quotient test now.
I wouldn't say it massively impacts other people, I don't cry buckets for other people in front of them. But, for example, I really strongly feel other people's embarrassment for them. So if I see someone fall over in front of a crowd of people I can physically wince for them and feel that pain even if they just shrug it off and move on.

There is a huge amount of information available out there about codependency. It's worth reading up.

Here's my own personal codependency quick test. Let's say someone did something bad and says to you "I feel awful about what I did". Would you ever respond "Yeah, you should feel awful!"

Would you ever follow up saying something like "You've really fucked up. Do you know what are you going to do about it?"

If those seem a crazy rude responses, if you have never said anything like that to an adult in your life then take yourself to more codependency testing.

I always think of Deanna Troi in Star Trek: the Next Generation, who was always saying things like 'Captain, I -- I sense some hostility...? ' when a federation of bloodthirsty Romulans were shooting their way through the ship's shields and cackling villainously.

I'm reminded of the poster who confided that she burst into screaming paroxysms of weeping at the sight of Michaelangelo's David.

I remember that poster, only I thought she screamed at the Sistine Chapel ceiling? Or maybe she has an equally easily discombobulated twin?

Every time I go to an art gallery, I hope to find her shrieking at a Rothko or rocking in a huddle on the floor in front of a Titian.

I remember that poster, only I thought she screamed at the Sistine Chapel ceiling?

That does ring a bell, you’re right.

Didn’t someone suggest a visit to the Wailing Wall?

Is empathy something that can be a learned behaviour or is it something either you have or don't have? Genuinely curious about that and will listen to the Radio4 episode upthread