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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you have a plan

12 replies

Curiousdad18 · 11/11/2018 21:44

So this may seem slightly morbid but does anybody have a plan of what would happen to their kids if they both died?

DW and I have a 1 year old DD and I'm thinking we should put a plan in place if anything were to happen to both of us. I have no family nearby except elderly DM and bachelor DB who could not take DD.

DW is not from UK so insists that DD would go to her home country to be raised by her sister / mother. Quite apart from the language barrier her home country is not somewhere I'd want DD to grow up as in my opinion DD will have much better life opportunities and education in the UK.

If anything happens I want DD to live with my other brother and his family in different part of UK.

I know it's slightly absurd to argue about this but I'm a worrier.

Has anybody done this or know what would happen if we don't make a plan?

OP posts:
Blanchedupetitpois · 11/11/2018 21:46

If you don’t make a plan she would probably go to next of kin, unless compelling reasons not to. It’s very sensible to make a firm plan with your wife and formalise it in your will.

frwuih · 11/11/2018 21:48

It's essential to have a will in a case such as this. Otherwise there will be a huge headache for everyone concerned - social services will have to assess what's best for the child, who is the best family member etc. and it has to go through the courts. There's even a chance your child could end up adopted or in care if no one wants to become their guardian. You need to put a plan in place and ask people if they would be willing to be the guardian if the worst happens.

It's not morbid, it's just being sensible.

CandyCreeper · 11/11/2018 21:50

im a lone parent with little family. so sadly mine would probably end up in care. hopefully the worst doesnt happen though!

AlexaShutUp · 11/11/2018 21:51

We are similar in that DH is from another country, but thankfully we both agree that DD would be better off here in the UK - partly due to better opportunities generally but also because she is used to the language, the culture etc.

If something happened to both of us, she would go to my parents as a first option. They are not young now, but as she is 13, she doesn't need a lot of looking after per se, and she already has a very close relationship with them. On top of that, they live locally so she could stay at the same school etc.

If that wasn't possible for any reason - for example, serious health issues for one of my parents - the next option would be for her to go to my DSis in another part of the country. That would be harder for her, but they would definitely do their best for her.

BlueUggs · 11/11/2018 21:51

I made a will and have stated clearly in the will who I want to look after my son and who I DO NOT want to look after him too!!!

LondonGirl83 · 11/11/2018 21:56

We have a will that outlines our wishes regarding money and what would happen to our DD. Find some way to agree on this and put it in writing.

Original poster
Curiousdad18 · 11/11/2018 21:59

@AlexaShutUp - my thoughts exactly. God forbid she lost both parents but to be uprooted to a strange country, language and culture would be even more traumatic for her.

@BlueUggs - lol..I have a list of who I don't want to have her too.

OP posts:
stressedtiredbuthappy · 11/11/2018 22:00

I'm single mum and worry so much about this. I'd want her to go to my mother who's a very fit 65 but I'd be scared the authorities would say she's too old and she'd go into care Sad gives me nightmares

Birdsgottafly · 11/11/2018 22:00

You need it in a living will.

Most people are injured in accidents etc and alive before they die. The child needs placing immediately, so would go to the closest living relative.

Anyone who you choose should know about your wishes and ideally have that in writing. To come forward to SS. If anything happened whilst they were at school, SS would be immediately involved.

It would be very unusual for SS to agree to a child going to a different Country if there were adequate Carers in the UK.

Children's wishes start to be listened to around the age of nine and by 13 they get to decide, within reason. At 14 they can live with who they choose, as long as there isn't a risk.

You've got to plan for a Coma etc situation, which is common after Car accidents or an attack.

Birdsgottafly · 11/11/2018 22:01

stressedtiredbuthappy, when I worked in CP out oldest Fosterers were in their 70's. They'd do their best to support your Mum.

Original poster
Curiousdad18 · 11/11/2018 22:11

@birdsgottafly - that's interesting. DW assumes DD going to home country would be simple but I guess if SS can't check DW's family are suitable they can't approve unless there really is no other option in UK

OP posts:
anniehm · 11/11/2018 22:12

A plan is a good idea especially if the solution isn't obvious (my parents weren't that old so they were the obvious choice in our case). It needs to be carefully documented in your will (it doesn't need to be professionally done but download a model document online to get it right and make sure it correctly witnessed and your next of kin know where it is kept. It's not worth arguing about it really but considering the options is so important, and don't necessarily dismiss those without kids. Whilst doing this also consider who would administer the funds your dc would inherit eg life insurance - we chose my brother as we knew he would be excellent (in the event of our simultaneous exit from this world my now young adult DD's would be fairly wealthy so we have set the trust to mature at 25 - it's amazing what the house, life assurance policies, workplace death benefits, and pension death benefits add up to, my solicitor values us at over £1.5 million despite being broke alive!

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