To be at the end of my tether at DH

[Thislifeisgrim]

Please mumsnet I need some sage advice and words of comfort as feel at the end of my tether with DH (actually reached that point a long time ago and now it's gone nuclear) - basically he is a right slob and come to think of it always had been. Type of person to leave cups upstairs, socks and laundry everywhere (I've just had to clear up a pile of boxers and socks that have mounted up behind the bedroom curtain, doesn't wipe down surfaces (even though he leaves sprinkles of sugar from his tea everywhere), doesn't seem to mind dirt, dust and grime (even though he's recently bought the new Dyson), leaves recycling on the side and... seems not to be able to wipe his bum properly without leaving tissue-shit flakes on the bathroom floor (this happened twice and I am not exaggerating) And I married the man?! Generally he only does things when I nag him and whilst I do love him I am SO FED UP. This has become such an issue now since birth of DS (7 months old). I have asked him nicely and also not so nicely that he needs to step it up and that I am so stressed out taking care of DS and I'm not twiddling my thumbs all day. I've said that I am seriously considering kicking him out leaving him. I feel like life is so grim because of his bad habits and just the worse environment to bring DS up in.

So AIBU and in any case what do I do???

It sounds so grim, the only option is to go nuclear. The shit flakes in particular make me feel sick.

I think often the rose tinted glasses come off when a baby enters the relationship. All you can do is give him an ultimatum and try to get him to understand how disgusting and disrespectful he is being, if he won't change then he will have to go. Shitty tissues on the floor with a baby crawling around makes me feel sick so I can't imagine what living like that must be like. Much easier and less stressful to parent one seven month old alone without a man child making more mess.

First off I’m so sorry you’re having so many problems with your DH. I don’t think you’re expecting too much to not want filthy toilet paper flakes-that’s a health and safety issue especially if your baby is crawling! As far as the other issues? I’d sit him down and tell him either he starts to act like an adult regarding the housekeeping and baby or you hire a cleaner and he does more care for baby or you separate-I’m not a neat person but there are pet peeves I hate like dirty dishes piling up in sink or pet hair on floor,etc. Good luck!

He's a wanker who thinks you're inferior to him. He knows all of these things need doing, but he believes they are beneath him - but not beneath you.

I couldn't live with that I'm afraid. Unless he has an enormous about-face, I'd be getting rid. Sorry OP 😐

Leaving a cup/socks upstairs. Crumbs on the counter...
He sounds like a normal man, not OCD clean but certainly not so bad as to be called a slob.

Obviously you don't like it but is their no room for compromise? its not the crime of the century, seems OTT to leave him!

Point out to him that it's such a fucking turn off to be romantically involved with someone who expects you to be in some sort of weird mother - teenage son dynamic. Ask him if he wants to fix this himself or if he needs you to implement a chore chart like he's a child. Also ask him if thinks it normal to expect his wife to "mother" him? It really creeps me out!

Reminds me of the time 20 years ago when I said to my DH (we weren't married then) that I was going to put a picture up of
Me, his mother and the cleaner from his childhood home, so he could tell the difference between us all.

I married him because he got much better at this stuff. But it took a lot of effort on his part. He needs to be willing to make that effort...

As he's not willing to clean up after himself, by default in his eyes you are his personal cleaner to run around after him and even literally pick up his shit!

It takes some amount of disrespect for someone to do that to you.

There is no way in hell I would allow anyone to treat me like that.

You are in an awful spot! Different people have different tolerance of filth. Some ppl can live in grime and honestly can’t see the issue. My hubby is like this. He isn’t trying to be disrespectful, he just doesn’t care.
Before we moved in together his room was so messy. Basically had to wade through dirty clothes to get to his bed. The thing is he was happy loving this way. I had to come to terms with the fact that I was cleaning because I need a clean and tidy house, hubby doesn’t.
I suppose what I’m trying to say is that hubby may not be taking the piss out of you/ disrespecting you, he may just be blind to the filth 🤷‍♀️

YANBU to be fed up. But you married him, you had a kid with him and now, suddenly you realise he's a lazy skank? How does that work? Unfortunately I think you may have to be serious about calling it a day if you wznt him to change and even then he may not to.

Take photos and show him. Send them to him at work.

Take photos and show him. Send them to him at work
Don't do that, it would backfire. What do think would happen if DH shared a picture with his workmates that his wife had sent of some sugar crumbs. It wouldn't be the husband they would laugh at.

I wasn't being entirely serious.

Has he always been like this or only since the birth of your child? If the former, it's unrealistic to assume he will instantly transform from a manky man child into a fully formed adult and you have enabled him by not dealing with it before now.

As to what you do - you have two choices - attempt to get him to change or kick him out.

I wish you luck

I suppose what I’m trying to say is that hubby may not be taking the piss out of you/ disrespecting you, he may just be blind to the filth

I totally agree with this. My dp is the same. He'll do his share of cooking and washing up unprompted because he can see the need. But he has a much higher tolerance for dirt and untidiness than I do (and I think my standards are pretty low).

He doesn't expect me to clean up after him or believe that housework is woman's work; he genuinely doesn't notice most things that need doing and isn't bothered by the things that he does notice.

No sage advice. Just a lot of sympathy. I've been with dp for over 20 years and still haven't cracked it.

Tbh the tissue bits is gross but really trying to wipe shit with dry paper isn’t going to work.
Either get a bidet or purchase wet toilet wipes for poo time. Increase his roughage should also help, as poo shouldn’t be sticking to his arse but come out smoothly - the fact it’s not is probably mostly to do with his diet therefore more roughage in the form of vegetables, fruit, legumes will ease this.

Sorry no ideas on the rest of his Nasty habits