Is this fair? Don’t know (Christmas and DC related)

[FineChinadoll]

Split with husband earlier this year due to DV.

It’s currently going through court as he wants custody he’s unlikely to get it.

Interim order doesn’t state what happens at Christmas. He is currently allowed supervised access for a few hours at a time. It’s supposed to be once a week but has been every 2-3 weeks due to his shifts.

I offered him either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day for a few hours but the person supervising is his mum and he’s working Christmas Eve and she works BD. So I thought I’d offer 3-5pm on Christmas Day.

My Solicitor says I don’t have to as the order doesn’t state what happens at Christmas, but I do think that DD should see her dad (She’s 3) at some point over Christmas, and it’s not her fault that her grandmother is working when she could see her. Plus it’ll probably make me look better when it goes back to court in the new year that I’ve tried to be reasonable.a

AIBU or should I stick with CE or BD and let ExH work out how he’s going to see her?

Who else will you spend time with over Xmas? Do you have friends and family who can be there with you while your DD is with her dad? I’d say it’s fair that he spends a bit of time on Xmas day with her. Plenty of families do Xmas eve to midday Xmas day and then swap to Xmas afternoon + Boxing Day, alternating each year, so getting used to being apart from DD for a few hours on the day itself is probably a good idea in case he ever gets unsupervised visits.

If you’re happy with that as a solution then go for it. He should just be grateful he gets any time at all with her.

And yes, if the alternative is none of the main days of Xmas, he will make out that you stopped him seeing her, so be reasonable and accommodating for the sake of a few hours and I’m sure it will help you in the long run.

Well if you split due to dv I can't see how you "looking more reasonable" is even a factor to be honest.

If it were me I would think I was being fair offering bd or Christmas Eve as is to be honest, it's not your fault they are working. I think. I think it's great you are thinking what's best for your daughter but meh I'd enjoy Christmas day with her and let them have time another day over the week

My mum lives a 5 minute walk from DDs dad so I'd be spending the day with her anyway so could go back there for the couple of hours. My brother will be there so it'd be the 3 of us.

Let ex work it out. You should not have to be organizing this.

It's not about me though, it's about DD, I don't want to organise this but I don't want him saying in court "oh but she didn't let me see her at Christmas"

But I honestly don't know if he's made me feel I have to make compromises for him

He will get unsupervised probably at the next hearing so I need to remember that from next Christmas it could be alternate years if he asks for it even though we live close enough to split the day.

Just text him, what do you want to do about Xmas? As going to see mum in the afternoon.
Then wait to see what he says.

I think it sounds like a good idea. You could just shrug your shoulders and say not my problem but you want dd to see him it's convenient as it's close to where you'll be and it also allows her other gps see her on the day. So it could hopefully buy you a certain amount of goodwill from people who might otherwise be inclined to believe that you're the deranged ex who's trying to stop him seeing his dd. As you say, it could be the case that in the future you alternate Christmas so doing this now could set a precedent which suits you in the future.

It won’t buy me any goodwill from ExHusband as he thinks I’m the devil incarnate who stopped contact (I didnt just insisted it be supervised) but hoping it’ll look good to the judge when Ex is insisting I’m the UR one.

If his mum is the supervisor for contact, how much support does she give you? Will she stand up to him, does she know what he's like and what he's done? I'm wondering if you could talk to her instead of him and work something out between you.

I think in these circumstances I'd offer a couple of hours on Christmas Day too, but you decide when suits you, and if that's not okay with him, that's the last offer you make.

t's not about me though, it's about DD

You are her mother. This man was physically violent to her mother. It is about you too.

Stick with the plan. For alter and don’t falter.

She thinks he’s done nothing wrong and it’s all over exaggerated but the courts deem her suitable to supervise so there’s nothing I can do.

Honestly? I’d tell him tough shit. You and your children (because their well-being is paramount here- in the eyes of the court anyway) have been through a lot this year due to his behaviour. You are spending this Christmas with them. He can see the children another day in the run up to Christmas/new year.

I’ve been through court previously because of DV. My answer might be clouded by my own experience.

Having seen your post about his mother I would suggest that she is not an appropriate person to supervise contact. I vetoed my ex’s parents for several reasons and one of those was them minimising his abusive behaviour. People like that can’t be trusted to make good judgments generally in these set ups. Or so my solicitor argued and the judge agreed.

Starting off splitting Christmas day won't bode well for future Christmass imo. Your whole festive plans will revolve around dropping /picking up /waiting for exh to arrive. Your dd will be better having a whole day alternately. In a few years opening longed for gifts then leaving them to go see other dp will be rubbish.
And who wants to see a twat ex on Xmas day??
A judge won't appreciate your offer to ex, you will just appear a doormat.

The judge at the initial hearing disagreed with my solicitor and said his mum was suitable to supervise despite her minimising his behaviour

I wish there was more consistency with judges presiding over these cases.

I definitely wouldn’t get into the habit of sharing the day itself but try to alternate for the same above reasons: you’ll spend the day itself waiting for your turn/for your turn to be over. Doesn’t seem enjoyable for anyone even if you get on ok with an ex.

People who have not been through Family Court after a situation of DA would not believe the attitude of some judges, TBH.

From your posts, you seem to have experienced some of it already. In your situation I would offer a couple of hours on Christmas Day that fit in with your own plans. For the reasons you have given. I have had bad experiences of FC judges, and think your considerations are justified.

Out anything in writing- email is fine.

Ask him what he thinks is the best solution for supervised contact over Christmas is and tell him what fates/times are NOT suitable. Be polite and detached. Let him solve this and remain polite and keep a written record of Any exchanges going forward.

You are really trying to do the best thing for your daughter and she will know that as she gets older. Courts are weird in uk and sometimes the nicer you are the more you get screwed.

All contact is through our solicitors as it’s going through court and my solicitor can’t stop me offering anything but does read everything before she sends it.

I don’t want to be too nice and get screwed over in court but then if I’m UR and he doesn’t see her I could still be screwed over

I think you need to look at it as not making compromises for him but rather you are making a compromise for your daughter - what is best for her? If that is seeing her father and grandmother at some point over the xmas period and the only suitable time is xmas day then that is what should happen.
If seeing her dad is not a good thing for her then don’t.

She has to see her dad the courts have said he is to see her, whether I think it’s the best thing for her not and he is likely to get unsupervised contact when it goes back to court.