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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to ask dh to get help with his low mood / depression

16 replies

paintinmyhairAgain · 11/11/2018 10:07

massively outing, past caring, i have bipolar, [controlled], dh has history of depressive bouts and is currently slipping into one big time.
there are several ongoing things at home with adult dc long term.[nothing really serious - looking for work that sort of thing] dh works in spite of serious health problems so that's not helping. dd 18 woke up this morning with d & v so am looking after her, he has gone out for a walk to 'get out for awhile and this place in general'. i understand all about depression and can make allowances for it to a degree, he gets my full support but this time it has been sliding down hill for about 6 months, he doesn't engage with his step dc 18 and upwards and is becoming selfish in the respect he wants my attention a lot of the time, he seems to find irritation with the dc and moans to me about it several times a day, which is tiring in itself i find i'm starting to lose patience with this pity party thing. i've offered to go with him to the g.p but he won't as he has side effects from anti depressants before, yes, you do feel worse before they start working but then it levels out. he knows this.
the problems seem to be based in our home as he is fine when out with me or meeting up with his family, so i feel this is more about
being moody and generally grumpy. at times i feel like walking out and leaving him to it. it's so sad because we have a long and strong marriage, but at times feel i'm swimming against the current.
any thoughts or suggestions would be helpful,

OP posts:
Original poster
paintinmyhairAgain · 11/11/2018 10:52

bump

OP posts:
Original poster
paintinmyhairAgain · 11/11/2018 11:22

bump, i really need some advice please

OP posts:
Original poster
paintinmyhairAgain · 11/11/2018 11:55

bump

OP posts:
seastargirl · 11/11/2018 12:15

I think like with many things unless he wants help then there is little you can do. Maybe you need to have a really frank chat with him about your feelings and tell him that his current behavior is putting your marriage in jeopardy?

ThePinkOcelot · 11/11/2018 12:22

You need to sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel. Likewise, bat it back to him, how would he like it if you didn’t bother getting help.
I know what you mean about him being ok when out and about as my DH is also like this. On one hand, it annoys me as we seem to get the worst of him but on the other, I think he puts up a front in front of other people.
What would he do if you just made him an appointment with your GP?
You have my sympathy, it’s shit x

Peridot1 · 11/11/2018 12:26

I think I would be giving him an ultimatum. Either he goes to the doctor or he moves out as he is dragging you and the entire household down by just wallowing.

Has he tried anything natural? St Johns wort?

fl0baDob · 11/11/2018 12:31

Hi,

You seem to have a lot going on. However, your DH is an adult with capacity and, if he will not seek help, that is his decision. However, have you considered asking an appointment with the GP yourself?

I have done this myself for similar reasons (DC rather than DH) and it has been really helpful to talk to someone about how the stress is affecting me.

You are remaining extremely strong and sometimes, when others in the family are struggling, they can lean on or become dependent on the 'stronger' person in a way that compromises that person's well-being. The constant negativity, the criticism of people you love, all those things can drain you emotionally and mentally.

The GP may also know of other agencies or support groups that could help you and, if things get worse, there will be a record of what is happening.

Seaweed42 · 11/11/2018 12:36

You've hit the nail on the head regarding wanting attention and feeling needy.
He is needy and wanting attention from you. You either attend to your kids issues or talk about your kids issues - the result he immediately starts feeling sorry for himself (looks inwards) rather than tries to help you or chat through your issue with your DC.
He sees everything as 'how will this affect me?' and the question 'But what about Me?' is the only thought that comes into his head everytime you open your mouth. Sorry no answers but it's a pain in the arse all right.
Your DH is an adult. Remind him of that and his responsibility to himself is to get help. Remind him you only want the best for him but unfortunately you can't fix it for him. When he complains about himself ask him 'what do you you think you can do about that?'

ohtheholidays · 11/11/2018 12:37

Sadly I think like the PP's have suggested you need to sit down with him and have an honest talk.

It is really hard when your living with someone with long term depression and it's very common for the person that's living with them and supporting them to develop depression themselves.

He really needs to seek outside help and he needs to do it not only for himself but also for his wife and family.I think you need to tell him how it's affecting you all.

Onestep2 · 11/11/2018 12:39

He is being selfish if he is r3fusing to go to the GP. I do agree some anti depressants have bad side effects but there is such a range of them out there that it's more or less now a trial and error. It's unfair of him to leave you constantly to "get out" rather than tackle problems at hand. Have you spoken to him about this in great length? It can't be having a positive effect on your own mental health either. Sending love x

CrazyToast · 11/11/2018 12:41

Agree with the above, but also have to say that sometimes ending the relationship is the thing which finally makes the other person seek help/change. As a long term sufferer of depression, I believe in compassion and understanding but I also think we should hold depressed people to the same standards as anyone else, especially as he is functional

confusedandemployed · 11/11/2018 12:42

YANBU. My XDH's refusal to seek help for his MH ultimately broke our marriage. We're still great friends but love and respect went after 2 years + of having to live with someone who wouldn't help himself.

Original poster
paintinmyhairAgain · 11/11/2018 12:50

we keeping talking about his low mood and it's due to things with the adult dc mostly and them not being very motivated for their future, among other things.
will try st johns wort, that's a good idea, and will make him a g.p apt, hope he goes, if not, g.p is quick to strike off non attendees.
this could really become make or break time for this marriage.
thanks for everyones input it has been really helpful and i'm now seeing it all clearer.

OP posts:
GingerbreadBlob · 11/11/2018 12:58

Putting on a "mask" to others when you are depressed, is a common thing.

Are you feeling more pissed off with his attitude towards his sc than you are about his depression?

I'd talk to him about how you're feeling and be totally honest. If you feel it's putting your marriage at risk, he needs to know. It's no good closing the gate once the horse has bolted, so to speak. If you're struggling, tell him.

villamariavintrapp · 11/11/2018 13:28

Could there be some genuine issues with the kids that are contributing to how he’s feeling? You say he works despite serious health problems, but your kids (over 18 I think?) are not very motivated? Do they work? Are they living at home? Do they earn money? It may be that he’s overwhelmed by having to look after them at this stage? You also mentioned looking after your 18yr old with d&v-but can’t she look after herself? Are you maybe expecting quite a lot from him in terms of supporting the adult children?

icklekid · 12/11/2018 05:29

He needs to be able to separate his mood from the children. Find a way for his frustration at their lack of motivation not to cause him to be depressed. If he won't take medication would he consider talking therapy or exercise? Taking on a new hobby or something to focus on might help. The links for exercise and low mood are so well evidenced but he might need pushing. Is there any plan for your children/step children moving forward regarding work or volunteering as that might help the whole family focus on something?

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