To think DH is being unreasonable here or is it me? Treated like 2nd best

[WeirdHandDryers]

DH has a son who is 23. For no reason at all (that we can think of) he’s suddenly started ignoring him. Ignores all messages, just blanks him completely. DH has sent numerous messages in the past few months but no reply. He lives with his mother and she says she’s not aware of a problem but DH thinks she’s been saying stuff to him, slagging DH off etc. Personally I think at 23 years old he’s an adult and is responsible for the way he treats people but DH wants to blame the ex.

Anyway, DH suggested that he should offer to take DSS to see a band with him, pay for his ticket, transport and drinks etc just to get him talking to him again 🤔 so he sent him 3 or 4 messages on it, all of which have been ignored.

Last night I suggested that if he really wants to go and see this band (it’s next week do tickets might sell out soon) he should go with a mate. DH replied that if his son doesn’t respond, I can go with him instead!

1. I don’t like the band
2. I think it’s a pretty shit way to be invited to something! If I agree to go I’ll be basically waiting in line up to next week and if the son gets in touch, I’lo be told I’m not needed on the night. AIBU to say no?

YANBU to say no but it’s clearly been obvious all along that your DH wants to go with his DS, so I’m not sure why you feel that way. It’s not as if you are saying your DH always treats you this way about all kind of things; it’s clearly and very understandably important to him to reconcile with his son.

He likes the band. He probably sees it like a good thing for you

And also, this is really not the issue. Dont make it about you. Dont be that person.

How sad that your dh thinks taking his son to see a band will repair their relationship.

He needs to go and find him and sort things out

I think it must be very hard being a parent and having a child treat you this way, so no I don’t think your dh is deliberately treating you as 2nd. His just hurt

I think it would be a bit harsh to say no

Yabu. This is not about you op.

This is NOT about you, so how about you properly support your dh in finding out what's wrong with his relationship with his son, and stop bleating on about a possible back-up plan to save a ticket going to waste.

Lego, Snap!

He hasn’t even bought the tickets yet so it’s not about it going to waste ... I just thought if he really wanted to go, he should go with his mate. I’m sick of being dragged to see bands I don’t like, it happens all the time (different issue).

His son has done this before and it’s tiring. We took him to NYC a couple of years back and he started ignoring DH when he was asking him to sort his passport etc out ... in the end we ended up having to do it all for him. As soon as we got back, he ignored him for months again. Then all of a sudden he’ll get back in touch, Will update DH in what he’s been up to and won’t mention the fact that he’s blanked him for months ... then he ignores him for another 6 months.
This latest session has been since July, that’s the last time DH heard from him apart from a happy birthday message on his Facebook a couple of weeks back.
I do support him in wanting to mend the relationship but when you’ve absolutely no idea why it’s happenening it’s difficult to know what to do.

Oh, a drip feed.

This really isn't about you. You're not being very supportive of your husband.

So his son is appallingly rude. How regularly Did they see each other before this?

Well for a start he should speak to his son instead of sending stupid texts. And I see nothing wrong with him asking you to use the tickets if he doesn't want them but if you don't want to go then just don't

They were on weekly contact arrangements which stopped when the son reached 20ish, then he’d come every 2 weeks, then maybe once a month and it slowly dwindled down to once every few weeks. Now, it’s never. The last time he came was Father’s Day where again DH had to pick him up, bring him here and take him back the next day. Then we’ve not heard from him since. My prediction is that we’ll next hear from him at Christmas but the frustrating thing is, when he does get in touch, nobody addresses the fact that he’s ignored DH for months so we never will get to the bottom of it unless someone (DH) actually asks him why he’s doing it!

Firstly it's not about you
Secondly support your husband as you'll likely lose over a battle between him and his child
Thirdly there must be an issue somewhere and he needs alone time with his son to find out what or who the problem is

Send a text to say that you miss him and wait to hear from him. Then every now and again send a friendly text which needs no response. My son does this but for shorter periods of time. I just keep open and friendly but worry myself sick

If you don’t like the band you don’t have to go.

It’s for DH to sort out his relationship with his son, there’s not much you can do about it.

Could there be issues going on with the son that his father knows nothing about but which result in the son shutting down? Such as emotional factors/depression ? (I realise that this isn’t the purpose of your post)

'Treated like 2nd best'
Your DH wants to see a band with his son. It's a band you are not interested in. If his son won't go, your DH would rather go with you, than with a mate. How is this being treated 2nd best? Your DH is with you all the time. Presumably you do things together? He rarely sees or hears from his son.
The fact that you are making this about you is strange. How was your relationship with your SS when he did come and spend time with his dad? Were you competing for attention?

What are you annoyed about - your stepson’s behaviour, or that you might have to go to see a band you don’t like?

What else about the way DH treats you makes you feel second best OP?

Are there other things?

I think YABU. He wants to try to make amends with his son, seeing a band is his strategy and if it fails, rather than waste tickets he is suggesting you go. It also sounds very sensible to me and no need for you to get precious about the manner in which your husband is "inviting" you to see the band.

And if you don't want to see the band then don't go, but don't go for that reason not because you are affronted at the way you were asked.

Just say no
..
Yes it is an answer... Tell you hubby you don't like that kind of music. To go with a friend,,, repeat often.
Also tell your husband to let his son chase him for a change.... A few sorry busy should do it...

I don't think you're being treated like you're second best in this scenario, DH is just desperate to see his son. You can just say no to going to see the band if you don't want to go.

The real issue here is dss treatment of his dad and while I can understand why that's upsetting and frustrating for you, ultimately it's outside of your control. All you can do is decide you're not going to jump through hoops to try to convince dss to spend time with his father and hope DH eventually realise that buying his sons time and company isn't really having a relationship at all. It's sad but don't allow dss behaviour to cause bad feeling between the two of you.