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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect an full invitation to a family wedding, not just an evening one?

37 replies

tinytotmummy · 19/06/2007 13:53

Long story but will try to cut as much as poss. Dh's cousin split with her husband nearly four years ago and there was some annomosity between us all as for a while we sided with him for various reasons. However, Dh has tried really hard over the past 18 months to try and put things right and had assumed all this had blown over. Bit shocked when today received an evening invitation for her wedding just for us (no mention of children), especially as Dh's older daughter is being her bridesmaid and being escorted by her boyfriend. Feel upset more than angry and don't know whether to graciously accept or not go. TIA

OP posts:
UnquietDad · 19/06/2007 13:54

If it was me I'd say "thank god we've only got to go to the evening."

MerryMarigold · 19/06/2007 13:56

It may have been an accident, people send the wrong ones sometimes. I would ask your dh's daughter to query it as she is obviously close to this lady. I do think it's odd that dh won't get to see his daughter 'walk up the aisle' even if it is just as a bridesmaid. Also, do you know who/ how many are invited to the afternoon bit of the wedding?

KTeePee · 19/06/2007 13:56

YABU if it is just a cousin - and presumably she is having a fairly small affair as it is her 2nd marriage anyway....

titchy · 19/06/2007 13:59

If it was a cousins wedding and dh'dd wasn't a bridesmaid I'd say YABU - but then I dont count cousins as close family, and give the circumstances of the split or rather the repurcussions I wouldn't expect to get an invite to the whole day, even if things seem to have blown over.

However it does seem very mean that dh can't attend to see his dd as a bridemaid, even if she is an adult.

I'd graciously accept, but ask if you could attend the ceremony to witness dh's dd (presumably your sd?) being bridesmaid, not go to the wedding breakfast (go for a really slap up meal by yourselves!) then turn up for the evening do.

As for whether your children should be invited also that's a whole other thread! My view is that kids should be invited, but plenty of couples specify a child-free wedding.

WanderingTrolley · 19/06/2007 14:00

Their wedding, their budget, their choice, imo.

SoupDragon · 19/06/2007 14:02

So, you sided with her ex husband in the breakup and expect a full invitation to her 2nd wedding??? Personally, I think you're a little unreasonable to have expected a full invite TBH!

themoon66 · 19/06/2007 14:03

If you do what Titchy says and go to the ceremony, what are you going to say when people invariably ask 'have you got a lift to reception' or 'can you take so and so in your car to reception' or even just 'see you at reception'? Are you going to say... 'oh, we are not invited to that bit'!

All very difficult.

Original poster
tinytotmummy · 19/06/2007 14:04

UnquietDad - - you are right, I should be relieved!

KTP - that's exactly what I've been trying to tell myself this afternoon. Just find it strange as DSD is bridesmaid that she wouldn't invite dh at least. The only other family members that are going from this side are dh's mum and dad.

MM - not really sure how many are going to the whole thing.

OP posts:
ghosty · 19/06/2007 14:10

Yes, you are being unreasonable IMO. I 15 first cousins. They are all married and have at least 2 children. If I had invited all of them to our wedding that would have made 60 people and no room for DH's family or our friends.
I can't stand it when people get arsey about wedding invitations, expecting invitations to anything is a bit rude tbh.
If it were a brother or sister or parent then yes, maybe. But we were invited to DH's dad's wedding very begrudgingly and I wish they hadn't bothered.

newkid · 19/06/2007 14:12

Not really in this case.

Got evening invite to cousin's wedding a while ago and even though we had invited said cousin to ours I wasn't too bothered.

However, my mum was said cousin's godmother, travelled thousands of miles to go to the wedding and still only got invited to the evening do, which I thought was really out of order... and so did many others. She was uncharacteristically p*ed off but she rose above it, had a great time etc.

Original poster
tinytotmummy · 19/06/2007 14:13

Soupy - you are quite right.

Tbh, I wasn't expecting anything and it's not a major issue for me,(quite happy to show my face for an hour in the evening!) but has become so for Dh as his daughter is involved.

OP posts:
kslatts · 19/06/2007 14:17

I think YABU, it's their day and their choice.

Sixer · 19/06/2007 14:24

their day their choice. However, your DH can still go to the church. You don't need an invite to go to a church, only the reception. So I am sure the bride wouldn't mind the pair of you in the church.

Original poster
tinytotmummy · 19/06/2007 14:28

I need to persuade Dh that it is not quite as big an offence as he thinks.

Thanks everyone, you have all really put it into perspective for me. I'd got caught up in how dh feels about the situation rather than trying to remain impartial and reasonable!

OP posts:
ComeOVeneer · 19/06/2007 14:34

Like others have said count yourself lucky. This summer we have been invited to dh's mum's cousin's wedding (although the cousin is actually our age rather than dh's mum's age). It is in America, and we are invited to the rehearsal dinner the night before, the wedding ceremony and meal and evening do and a brunch the day after . I've only met the guy once.

newgirl · 19/06/2007 17:21

def dont take it personally

she may even be having a much smaller wedding as second time around

let them get on with it and be lovely and good fun in the evening

missgriss · 19/06/2007 17:24

Maybe she can't afford to invite a lot of people? DH and I offended a few cousins by not inviting them through the day to our wedding, but we would have made ourselves bankrupt if we had!

curiouscat · 19/06/2007 17:31

ComeOVeneer lol good luck Stateside.

Someone I know married an American girl in the States then re-staged the wedding in the UK and invited all sorts of people they barely had kept in touch with. We had never met the bride at all and had to sit through the whole thing.

A friend of someone else I know had a fancy wedding in the chapel of St Pauls Cathedral, and I went along to keep my friend company, the bride and groom didn't know me from Adam. They got divorced within 2 years.

I say go if you want, not if you don't. Why not let your dh decide, it's his family. I don't count cousins as close family and haven't been to my cousins wedding except when respective mothers bullied eachother.

bookwormmum · 19/06/2007 17:48

My cousin only invited us to the evening part of her wedding. Even though she said that we could attend the wedding then 'bog off' (our interpretation!!) until the evening, we didn't attend any of it in the end due to illness. Personally I wasn't too fussed as I think she's a spoiled brat but it upset my Mum as she's her God-daughter and did expect a little more fuss on account of that. Must be a generational thing.

I'd go and make the best of it - it's a free party after all!

curiouscat · 19/06/2007 17:54

Oh yes another time my dp (now dh) was invited to the wedding and reception and I was invited to just the evening do. I travelled with some other rejects from London to Hampshire to sit in a freezing marquee with no food left and everyone else drunk and having a great time. With friends like this who needs enemies?

bookwormmum · 19/06/2007 17:56

If I get invited to just the evening part I tend to go to the wedding to piss them off . Not sure if they actually notice or not though .

mumzarello · 19/06/2007 18:02

Just a quick word re church bit - there is only so much space in a church - some people have to restrict invites due to this - This may not be the case but is just an idea...

sparklygothkat · 19/06/2007 18:03

My aunt is getting married this weekend, to begin with we were only invited to the evening part, but when I phoned her to RSVP she invited us to the wedding. What happened was the register office can only hold 75 people, on my aunts side alone there is 85 people that she wanted to invite so she had to cut numbers, but then she realised that she had spaces, I wasn't bothered, at least we were invited. when my cousin got married we weren't even invited and that upset me as we all grew up together

Upwind · 19/06/2007 18:14

YABU - I married recently and could not possibly have afforded to invite all our cousins to the meal. I really hope that none of them took offence, it had never occurred to me that they might.

A second wedding is usually a smaller affair anyway, so they might simply not have space.

BarbieLovesKen · 19/06/2007 18:28

Sorry but I think you are being unreasonable!

Im getting married myself next year and although extremely close to all of my 20 cousins I could not possibley invite them (and partners) all to the whole day - numbers and cost would go through the roof. Im dreading this to be honest - I am fairly sure everyone will completely understand as they know how expensive weddings are now but (as my cousin who married 3 years ago told me) - you cant and wont please everyone - you will have those who will understand but you'll definately will have the few who will b**ch about it.

Sorry but this type of thing completely boils my blood!! I, personally find it a privilage when anyone thinks enough of me to invite me to any part of their very special day!

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