To think weddings are the worst!!!

[MeteorMedow]

I’m getting married next year and we can no longer elope as planned (it’s a long story but it’s not what DP wants). We also don’t have the type of family/friends that make a DIY wedding possible so no cutting costs there.

We found a nice country house and are planning an event but it’s so expensive it makes me sick. 🤔 It’s not that I expected it to be cheap it’s just feeling like 4 event for 6 prices!

Providers just adding a 0 and making up numbers on the spot and being real CF’s about it! We’ve caught a couple out already, advertising their services for much less online than they were quoting us.

I don’t understand how they’re allowed to do it or how venues can charge a premium to hire and then stick you with exclusive providers who are also charge a premium at the venue! (Probably because they’re paying the venue to be their exclusive provider)

Atm it’s going to be around £20K, DP and I earn six figures (just) and ‘should’ be able to afford it but I’m feeling increasingly uncomfortable about it.

I totally get the whole ‘Weddings don’t have to be expensive just make it perfect for you’ but what TF do you do if your taste is unfortunately ‘country house’? (🤔 more DP than me if you can believe it).

I just want to run away the two of us or go to the registry office but that’s not what DP wants and the wedding we’re planning is lovely just crazy expensive. Am I the only person feeling like this?

Save the dates have already gone out so it’s too late to back out now.

Your costs for your cake, rings and the dj are far too high compared to what they could be. Nothing wrong with paying those prices if you want to but you don't have to. You could have an amazing cake for £50 for starters. There are so many free tutorials on decorating shop bought cakes and no one honestly cares how it's decorated.

You really don't need to be spending what you are.

@Atalune Immediate family were very generous & most others gave around £50 each (130 guests x £50 = £6500)

Our wedding last summer sounds a little like yours, OP. The venue was £4,600 hire and the catering/drinks all day was £85 per adult and half price for kids, with around 60 adults and 20 kids.

Family photographer = £250 (cost of him/wife/kids at wedding)
All flowers = £300 (cost price, all put together by in-laws - they offered)
Venue decorations = free (handmade gift from friends - they offered)
Cake = free (asked guests if they'd be up for bringing one normal-sized sponge, ended up with about 8 altogether, looked fabulous arranged on log stands of different heights)
Live band = £350 (ceilidh group which was amazing)
Rings = £180
Favours = free (Mum made them - she offered)

So you can make savings if you try. We spent the money on food and drinks and the venue but people were so amazingly generous with their time and experience. If you ask around you may find people willing to help. I made a lot of bits myself too.

little kitty what sort of cake was it that the ingredients cost £200? Not being snidely, would really like to know. Was it really enormous or something?

The main thing is not to tell a venue you want a wedding. All you need is a venue for a family party, Weddings are a rip off

@clary It was a 3 tier chocolate fudge cake, serving 150 portions. The £200 included the cost of the personalised cake decorations too. It was delicious and we got a lot of compliments on it

What would happen if you tell DP that you don’t want a big wedding and want to just go to a registry office instead? Would he end the relationship? Is he more interested in the big wedding or having a happy wife? If the save the date cards have gone out it’s fine to send another message to everyone saying you are doing something different. Don’t feel you have to go ahead if you are unhappy with the current plans.

Could save money by just having a disco. I have always preferred a Disco to a band. Bands I find have a limited number and style of songs they do and often can't do the songs justice, not hitting the right notes or getting the tempo slightly off.

Discos with great lighting always seem to go down better IMO. Never forget everyone going wild for Take on Me by Aha at a wedding disco I was at after the band had finished their set. It was clear the disco was far better.

We had a 4* country house wedding but made it much cheaper doing the following (although that wasn't the motivation behind it):

• Made it an evening wedding (5 pm - time of year that was dark then)
• No cars
• Just flowers for bride and the table (moved from wedding room to dining room)
• Followed by champagne reception and canapes
• Meal in private dining room (could only fit 23) - it was expensive PP (and there was a choice) but due to low numbers affordable. This was the main event so no band/disco etc. We paid for all the drinks.
• Only us and 21 other guests
• We didn't stay overnight - we went home
• Dress cost £200
• No honeymoon
• We had a photographer but they only stayed for ceremony and champagne reception. Had family snaps after that.

Only thing I regret was no honeymoon - a couple of nights somewhere in the UK would've done and not putting enough effort into my dress (not necessarily the cost).

Oh and:

• no cake

We get married soon. 100 guests for 15k at a country estate.

You don't have to stack the cakes, you can get stands. A quick Google will ring up lots of options. Spending that much on a cake is nuts!

Thanks for all the advice ☺️

There’s a few ideas i shall be stealing.

It probably came across badly, it wasn’t DP who stopped us going abroad- one of his parents has a health issue we didn’t know about and won’t be able to travel by then. So not DP’s fault at all.

I also think this illness is a bit reason he now wants a big party. He’s a wonderful amazing guy who is nothing but respectful and kind to me and we’re totally on the same page taste wise - just not budget wise 🙈

I would think very carefully about marrying someone if their views on what is financially acceptable were so very different to mine. Neither of you is right or wrong but you do need to be on the same page about your spending habits. Is your DP more extravagant than you in general?

Jocasta my cousin is newly engaged and was told exactly the same about it

Argh cat on keyboard *about funeral flowers

Your catering alone is £130 a head??? You have well and truly been swindled

You can have a great wedding party for a lot less but you need to compromise and it doesn't sound like you really want to so you just have to accept it's going to cost a lot.

Personally I spent the money on the honeymoon as I got married abroad with only two guests. I had looked at the 20k+ weddings in stately homes but decided I wanted to spend that money on different things instead. You can't really moan about the costs when that is what you have chosen.

What are you eating for £130/head? Genuinely interested.

I would expect-
Canapés
3 course fine dining quality wedding breakfast like- fillet of beef, beef wellington, halibut, lamb rump, wood pigeon. Something like that
Evening mezze, not a curly sandwich in sight!

‘You seem to want a fancy wedding but don’t want to pay for it’

• 😒 No, I want a wedding that is reflective of what we are paying - 4 star event for 4 star prices. Not 4 star event for 5 star prices, or one which would have been half the price were it a Birthday. It’s unhelpful and silly comments like that which shame couples for questioning value and encourage the whole wedding industry to be such a monster!

We are tied into the caterer yes and for £130 a head we are getting...the bloody basic package with the cheaper wine 😠

I don’t have anyone friend or family who will take my photos or make my cake...etc- hence I explained in my OP that a DIY wedding wasn’t possible.

To be honest I’m not looking for an answer as I doubt there is one- more reassurance that I’m not the only one who thinks this whole industry is a total rip off!

I got cakes from a local café, they looked awesome (in a homemade café cake way) and were demolished instantly. 3 cakes, £70, interesting flavours, beautiful, able to cater for my vegans. Not stacked in any way.

Have been to several weddings where the beautiful weddingy cake was cut up after the officially cutting and still sat there hours later.

I hear you on sole caterer pain though!
My first wedding, I didn’t like her and didn’t want to work with her anyway.
I wanted a hog roast which she didn’t do, so it was openly outsourced - it was very galling to see her kick back for doing exactly zero work.

That is an insane amount of money to spend, especially if you’re not happy to spend it.
I don’t know what you mean about not having the kind of friends and family to have a diy wedding?! Almost all of my friends had diy weddings, partly because it is the norm in our social circle to have open bars and this makes it more affordable. I’ve seen many of my friends wedding spread sheets and weddings have ranged from 10k to 15k for 100-150 people.
You’re paying a lot for a photographer and band.
Most friends venues have been 3-4K. Because diy they’ve paid for food and booze separately.
I’ve been to cheaper weddings in Kew Gardens and Richmond Park.

20K?😱 Run!!

Just find a new place and do it so much more cheaply, I honestly don't get why some people have such big/expensive weddings. My partner and I are just going to roadtrip America for 2 weeks and visit different states and get married at a registry office. Save the money for making memories! (Not a shitty stressful day that's supposed to be all about you but ends up being all about the guests!)

X

If you want a cheaper wedding choose a dry hire venue, source caterers yourself and buy booze yourself. Doing it this way you can have much more choice in the food and most likely better quality. You can offer your guests an open bar with nice wines. If you tell us where you are then I’m sure we could find great dry hire venues.