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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel like nursery mum overreacted?

18 replies

Amgelima · 09/11/2018 22:45

So the other day I picked my 3 year old son up from nursery and as we were leaving the facility lots of children noticed an attractive toy with a button just outside of the nursery. The children were running up to it as they were leaving, all wanting to press/hit the button. My son tried to run up to it, but as the situation was chaotic, I stopped him and told him to wait his turn. I made him wait for several minutes, standing with him about 6 feet away from the toy, while talking to him about why we were waiting. When things calmed down, there was no one near the toy, and most of the other children nearby had left, I told him it was his turn and to walk nicely and go push the button. He walked over to finally push it and a little girl ran over from about 15 feet away, sprinting from behind him, and hit the button (violently with a big slap) before he did, right in front of him. Her mum was calling out "go go press the button go go go!" He was stunned, then clearly frustrated, and ran up and hit the button really hard just after she did while she was still standing there. The mum said to him, "Say you are sorry!" I asked what happened, and she said he had hit the little girl. That had not been clear from my vantage point, but I made him say sorry and also apologised that it had apparently happened. The little girl looked upset and cried so I assumed he must have hit her as he hit the button and of course felt bad. The next day the mum came up to me and said that when my son hit her daughter it had left a mark, and that she was upset but she wasn't going to report it, but wanted me to know because any parent should want to know. I asked if she was sure a mark was left from the button incident and not something else, and she said yes it was definitely that incident. I again told her I was very sorry about the hitting and surprised and sad that it had left a mark and said we are always working on discipline and of course will talk to him about it and keep working on discipline and teaching him how to manage emotions/frustrations. I asked if the mark was still there and she did not give a clear answer. I did feel that she was very angry and emotional and that she was indirectly threatening to report my son by saying "don't worry, I'm not going to report it". Am I being unreasonable to think that mentioning the potential to "report it" was an overreaction? I can understand feeling angry as a parent if another child hits, esp if it actually leaves a mark, but at the same time, it happens quite a bit in nursery aged settings, including happening to my child at the hands of others. The little girl in this incident seemed to be trying to beat my son to the button and hit it very aggressively when she did right in front of his face it was not a calm or friendly approach on her part at all and while it's no excuse to hit, her behaviour did not help keep the situation friendly. Another child once bit my son so that his skin was broken and the mark that incident left lasted for several months. I was naturally angry about it, but did not threaten the parents and knew the nursery was on top of it and monitoring the biting child. I came away from this interaction thinking "what does this mother want from me in this?" She already had an apology on the day of the incident. Of course I work hard to train my child not to hit when situations upset or frustrate him, and I will keep doing so. In nursery the staff are all on top of making sure children learn proper behaviour. So why would this woman come up and talk about "reporting" the incident, or make it sound like she was being lenient and kind to not report it?

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 09/11/2018 22:55

Who does she think shes going to report it to? The police? Silly woman. She needs to teach her DD better manners, not encourage her to be rude. (My dgs3 once bit another boy and drew blood but although I apologized to the mother, I don't know what else to do in that situation).

Puddlejumps · 09/11/2018 23:02

Did you ask your son what happened? A lady at a soft play once accused my child of biting her daughter. It turned out her daughter (who was double the size of my child) was sat on my child suffocating them and they had bitten her to get her off. Your son needs to know you are on his side.

Amgelima · 09/11/2018 23:09

Thank you. I could have done better about asking him right away what happened and you are so right that he needs to know I'm on his side. I was too quick to placate the parent with an apology. He's not always able to clearly relate past events but as he gets older he is getting better.

OP posts:
Berniethefastestmilkwoman · 09/11/2018 23:11

If it happened as you describe then basically a couple of preschoolers were a bit tough and one of the mother's behaved like an arse about it. That wasn't you so don't worry about it and stop grovelling to her. Your 3 year old possibly hit hers. As an isolated incident it is barely an incident. It's only something to worry about if he is going to make a habit of hitting her which is unlikely as it sounds like he was just reacting to the situation. Reacting badly but he is 3. I would just talking about something else if she starts going on about it again.

Berniethefastestmilkwoman · 09/11/2018 23:12

One of the 'mothers'

MeteorMedow · 09/11/2018 23:14

🤔 in your situation I hate to say I would have stood up for DS a little more. I’d have made it very clear I was dubious about whether he had indeed hit the little girl. Is it not possible that he hit the button whilst her hand was still on it/near it and that’s how he ‘hit her’ and left a mark.

I’d also have ‘passively aggressively’ explained to the mother that DS had been patiently waiting his turn (under my say so) and was then quite rudely interrupted by her DD aggressively pushing past him. Perhaps if this mother had also asked her DD to wait her turn this would not have happened.

In terms of the reporting comment I’d have just brushed it off with a “oh don’t worry I won’t report it either, I’m sure you’ll speak to DD about pushing and not waiting for a turn- it’s so important to teach manners at a young age, don’t you think? 🤔”

TittyBoneGhoul · 09/11/2018 23:16

She needs to chill out and was way to precious. I wouldn’t have apologised so much. She needs manners.

But now I want to know what the toy is 😂

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 09/11/2018 23:16

I know report it to who. He's a baby FGS what does she think "they" should do open Alcatraz back up and put him in a few years. Hmm.
The batty cow. You and your ds apologized. What more does she want.!!!!. Not to mention the fact that it was a bloody accident.
I've never got wound up over anything like that or fought with other parents Kids are kids, arent they.
Theyre playing together 5 minutes later and the parents are still tearing lumps out of each other.
Unfortunately though not everyone sees it as kids being kids.

Oliversmumsarmy · 09/11/2018 23:20

You train a dog not a child.

Personally I would have let him go to push the button when everyone else was.

I think relax about things and stop apologising for your ds

pictish · 09/11/2018 23:28

You both sound a bit overwrought to be honest. And I do mean that kindly.
She’s just a self-important, confrontational woman. Don’t engage her in explanations and conversations about it. You’ve said sorry now keep her at arm’s length.

ThatWouldBeNO · 09/11/2018 23:38

Anyone else hoping the “attractive toy with a button” wasn’t a cross-walk signal at traffic lights?

Amgelima · 09/11/2018 23:42

Oliversmumsarmy - I didn't let him push the button when the other children were doing so because there was lots of jostling going on Grin. Often I do let him get involved in kids-being-kids activities where they have to work things out for themselves but I just didn't feel like it that day and didn't feeling like dealing with him being shoved or bumped or hit, or being enticed to do so himself, ironically.

I do think I should have stood up for him more. I didn't want to get into an argument or tit for tat with the other mum and did think that it was plausible that he hit her daughter as he was clearly frustrated. I did point out he had been waiting his turn at my request and I do think that helped the mum see the bigger picture a bit more but she didn't say sorry for having her daughter run in front of him.

OP posts:
BumsexAtTheBingo · 10/11/2018 00:47

Well the mum has overreacted approaching you again about the incident but from your description it sounds like he hit the girl out of frustration and you are minimising it by saying she was unfriendly when it sounds to me like she was just excitedly trying to have a go of the toy. How was she supposed to know your son had been made to wait for several minutes?

Racecardriver · 10/11/2018 00:52

No it’s goid that you didn’t stand up for him. She sounds bonkers. I don’t think it would have give well.

zzzzz · 10/11/2018 01:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PoppyJ1 · 10/11/2018 01:26

It sounds like you handled the situation more than civilly and in good faith. I think the other mother overreacted and I agree you could have given your son more of the benefit of the doubt but it sounds like you're already going to next time!x

OneStepSideways · 10/11/2018 07:27

The mum of the girl sounds a bit dramatic! If I hadn't seen him hit I would have said 'oh did you hit the little girl?' If he said yes but he'd meant to hit the button, I would have said 'oh it was an accident because she pushed in front of you, never mind' then to the little girl 'we have to wait our turn for toys, not push in. Now lets both say sorry.'
All icily polite and smiley!

But I also would have let mine join in the scrum to push the button, as I think it's good for them to work these things out. If they get pushed over or their feet trodden on they'll think twice next time. I'd rather mine jumps in and learns instead of hanging back timidly.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 10/11/2018 08:03

I never understand all this anger at toddlers hitting each other? I could understand it if it were teenagers and bullying etc but it's toddler ffs get a grip everyone. Of course teach then to be kind and gentle and not hit but I was never angry when these incidents happen its part of growing up. How many kind non violent adults were biters at nursery?

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