AIBU to insist on forgetting DNiece or DNephews bday

[Ribbon04]

For the past 4 years my BIL AND SIL have forgotten my daughters birthday, but not often my sons. We live nowhere near them, but MIL does live near them and daily contact. (No way they don't remember)
Why?! I have tried to 'forget' to send a present or even a card, but my DH says we shouldn't, it's not the child's fault. (I agree) I have spoken to MIL the year mentioning when they forgot my sons birthday, then they didn't the following year. My kids are upset about lack of contact and cards, my daughter now acknowledges they forget birthday and thus year never mentioned what about auntie... uncle..... they would honestly be happy with just a card. We don't gave a big family and they are their only cousins and about same age, 6 and 10. Mine are 9 and 11, girl and boy both sides.
There is history of BIL being the 'baby of the family and before we had kids, my DH regularly 'lent' him money. IMO he needs to appreciate and acknowledge family he's 45! But I am upset. Any ideas? I don't speak directly to them, only through MIL. DH doesn't want to confront them. Shall I talk to MIL again when she comes to visit in a couple of weeks ?

I don't speak directly to them, only through MIL
Why is this?^

They are a bit disorganised and forgetful. Lots of people are. I think you are blowing this up into a drama when it doesn’t need to be.

Don’t play tit for tat - be the auntie you wish your children had. If you don’t really have a relationship with this family then your children can’t be that upset by the lack of gifts. It’s a good lesson in life and I am sure your two will follow your example of grace and kindness.

If you don’t ever speak to them directly then you can’t have much of a relationship with them? Sounds like they forget on purpose.

You’re making a big deal out of it. How do
your children clock that they haven’t got a
present from a relative they aren’t close to? Do you tell them? My children wouldn’t notice or ask about this?

I leave mil out of it, I’m sur she’s already tried.
Dh should speak to bil directly

Ok, maybe I need to explain more, don't mean to drip feed, we don't even live in the same country. I see them about once a year. Because of our jobs and the times we can take our holidays , I go back with the kids once a year and then my husband goes back alternately with one or the other, due to not being able to take time off in the majority of school holidays.
Really you think they are forgetful for remembering one child and not the other?
I feel so sad for her. Because of skype/ Intenet contact they ate friends with their cousins, talk about parties as family conversations, yet when she says she had friends over for her birthday party they say nothing On the subject sort from discussing party games!

Bad auto correct, they say nothing apart from discussing party games!

You can't force people to send cards/presents however much it hurts you that they don't.

Let it go. Send a card to then niece and nephew and be done with it.

I'd just sort of think of them as people who don't really want a reciprocal gift arrangement and stop altogether to be honest, nobody can be disappointed that way. Some people are more into giving/receiving gifts than others, you are just different so to avoid disappointnent just stop altogether

Speak to them directly. YABU if you think they should buy gifts and cards for your DC if you're not even on speaking terms and you only communicate through your MIL. My DB doesn't get anything for my DC, nor do I expect him to, and were on great terms.
Im sorry if ive misunderstood and your relationship is great and for some bizzare reason you have to communicate through your MIL, but if I haven't misunderstood, it is very strange you are expecting presents off them still.

She 'clocks it be a use we have a small family. Grandparents remember her birthday yet her auntie and uncle and cousins remember her brothers but not hers?

My DH has regular contact with his family. Maybe it's just I am disappointed his brother doesn't reciprocate. It's not about gifts,it's about acknowledging a cousin/niece exists. A card would be nice for her.

I always forget my mums birthday but not my dads. My dads is a date which is memorable - but my mums just creeps up on me.

There might be some sexist issue behind this -you know them better than me - but it also might just be they forget or aren’t that engaged.

Honestly it’s just one present. Do they send a Christmas gift for only one child? That would be an issue

I think you’re fixating on this a bit.
You don’t have a relationship with these relatives to speak of. You don’t need to worry about getting gifts either for them or from them. If dh wants to send a gift he can organise it, likewise his brother.

You need to actually speak to them. Tell them they need to buy for both children or neither. Say you can all agree to not buy presents for nieces and nephews if they like.

Seriously, I would Say to dh, “You can organise presents if you’d like to. It’s your side of the family so I’ll leave it with you.”
Problem solved imo.

I doubt they’re pointedly snubbing your dd. It’ll just be a blind spot. Your dh can make an issue of it...or not.

Thanks for the advice greatduckcookery, I think that'll be the way forward.

I agree it should be your DH doing it, not you. That would take a lot of the emotion out.

Don't punish the children because mistakes their parents have made. It is the DNs who will miss out, not BIL if your family don't send cards/gifts.

But it should be your DH who sorts out the cards/gifts.

I think we have similar IL dynamics OP. Though my BIL/SIL do send cards and presents to DC this is only done because MIL kicks BILs butt. Their DC don't get forgotten by us, MIL has never felt the need to remind us. BIL is the baby, comms generally through MIL but that's all on BIL - he didn't even visit DH in hospital when he was very ill last year despite being a 5 minute walk away for days on end.

The only way I cope with it is to have totally opted out of gift giving for ILs. DH deals with his family, I with mine. We have a budget each and work it that way.

That said my parents have shown blatent favouritism between my DC and its caused endless issues. When its been toys they've become sharing toys. If its vouchers I encourage them to share. Its a really shitty thing to have to do but I want them to think of each other and they notice.

I think it’s horrible for your daughter to miss out on presents that her brothers get so I think I’d be totally upfront and call a halt to the present swapping altogether. I wouldn’t pretend to forget - that’s passive aggressive - but be assertive and send a message to say ‘as x hasn’t had a present from you for 4 years, I think we should stop sending presents for the children’.

It’s really not acceptable for one child to be missed out like this.

If your H insists on sending presents, I agree with PPs, I would leave it to him to sort. However, when presents arrive for your sons I would send them back, explaining that it isn’t fair to your daughter for her brothers to receive presents when she doesn’t.

@OhLookHeKickedTheBall thankyou. They are my only niece and nephew. Our family is small, there are no kids on my side of the family. I think I have just finally silently exploded with frustration that my effort to contact a long distance family with which I have no daily contact, just 'special occasions'. And these special occasions have become one sided.