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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my partner he needs to do something about being obese

25 replies

Lia73 · 09/11/2018 21:14

Well, I just kind of lost my temper with my partner as he came in earlier and moaned at me about not tidying one thing or another. He's a neat freak and I'm tidy too, just difficult while entertaining a 7 month all day to put everything away straight away. Well after the baby was in bed, I said he should try to take notice of the things that I actually do. Today, for example I've looked after baby most of the day and done a wash, made dinner, washed up and dried up, done baby's bottles, changed the bedding and emptied the bins. He was fine and took baby out for an hour and a half and did some washing up and put play things away when he came in. But then he started going on about the baby sleeping on the bed with me. I started doing this after he stopped sleeping in the Moses basket as he wouldn't settle and I really, really needed the sleep. I've stayed out a couple of nights but other than that it's me who gets up in the morning with our son as my partner might work into the night - he is self employed. Baby does go in the cot for a bit but if he's unsettled in the night, I'll take him onto the bed in his sleep bag and if I'm not too tired, put him back when he settles. It's just so much easier to breast feed in bed! Well I said to my partner that I agree it's not good, I'm trying with the cot but I said maybe he should pay more attention to losing weight as as that's dangerous. He's 5 feet 7 and over 18 stone. Well I said being obese is a risk to your health and we are already older parents, so it's not fair on our baby if he's not trying properly to lose weight. I did use the word obese but I was annoyed and I feel awful but he really does need to do something, doesn't he? I said that's as serious as baby not being in the cot all the time and like I've said, I just needed the sleep! He said I'm insulting him and I'd rather have not said it like that but was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
MemoryOfSleep · 09/11/2018 21:19

I was going to say yabu, but after reading the full story, I don't think so. If he was bringing up every little thing that annoys him about you, why shouldn't you do the same?

HannahHut · 09/11/2018 21:22

I feel like yabu a bit. It seems like you were annoyed and said something you new would hurt him. He's an arsenal at picking for you though.

HannahHut · 09/11/2018 21:22

*picking at you

HavelockVetinari · 09/11/2018 21:24

Yikes. You are at peak sleep deprivation so it's not surprising you're lashing out at each other.

Yes, your DP being obese is a risk factor if you're bed-sharing, I'd advise getting him to sleep elsewhere till your DS stays in his own bed.

With regards to him moaning about the state of the house - he can fuck right off. Looking after a baby is hard work, particularly if they don't sleep or nap well (DS was awful, DH was nothing but supportive - he got up at 6am every single day for 8 months to allow me to get a proper REM cycle in as I never got one during the extremely unsettled nights).

HannahHut · 09/11/2018 21:25

Oh my god, knew arse. Just got in from a long day at work, I do apologize 😂😂

Lia73 · 09/11/2018 21:25

It just bugs me when he starts going on and on about things and then he'll say things about the past. He's actually a good guy (though might not come across with what I'm going to say now) but he can't take any criticism at all and, for example, as I was diagnosed with post natal depression if I disagree with him about something or get annoyed by him, he tells me to go take a tablet as i'm mental. I'm fine now but in the beginning I know it wasn't easy for him as I was so down all the time but I've not got depressed in the last 3 months just stressed like all
Mums 😀. I don't think it's ok for him to call me that.

OP posts:
TrippingTheVelvet · 09/11/2018 21:25

If you are worried about his health, you need to discuss that calmly and kindly. You can't just throw it at him when you're annoyed. Imagine if he randomly shouted that you're fat during an argument Shock.

TrippingTheVelvet · 09/11/2018 21:27

Him being a wanker doesn't give you licence to. Did he call you mental during this argument? No doubt there'll be a pile on now after your update saying that you're the victim Hmm

HannahHut · 09/11/2018 21:27

he tells me to go take a tablet cause I'm mental what a dick. Yabu at all now!!

Lia73 · 09/11/2018 21:29

Yeah, I shouldn't have said what I said - kind of know that really. I just got wound up (and he really does need to lose weight ☺️) but should have not said it like that. He shouldn't call me mental though - I'm really not!

OP posts:
Lia73 · 09/11/2018 21:31

@HannahHut - haha I know what you meant 😀

OP posts:
Lia73 · 09/11/2018 21:35

@TrippingTheVelvet - I agree, I shouldn't be a wanker too. Just can't help it sometimes - I just need more sleep then I (hope), I would react better.

OP posts:
TrippingTheVelvet · 09/11/2018 21:39

You didn't say if he called you mental during this particular argument.

Lia73 · 09/11/2018 22:03

Yeah he did and said I need to go back to the doctors and get more tablets. The thing is, I know when I'm being an arse so guess I wrote this post to confirm that - But! I also know the tablets are working fine as I was so down before and I guess I just wanted to confirm he's being unreasonable too! Just got so annoyed by it tonight, which is why I responded like that

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 09/11/2018 22:20

He's not a good guy. He's a horrible bully.

extrastrongnosugar · 10/11/2018 06:58

i dont know what gets into some guys when a new baby has arrived that makes them be complete dicks. mine was the same and even now with no 3 has some dickish tendencies although much better now. maybe its the feeling of lack of control and inability to help that comes out as hyper worrying and criticism- obviously sucks. but being a dick back (while satisfying and justified) could get you into some really cold waters really quick - me and DH almost called it quits back then. i have two coping tips that really helped me this time around:
one: rembember that both of you (him too) are in an extreme situation, you are both under duress doing inhumane stuff (esp you), its hard and neither of you is their best selves. itll pass and youll be fine again.
second: my gamechanger was when i forced myself to receive DH friendly woth a hug and kiss when he came back from work. no matter how i felt. as a sort of 1 minute gift to him. it makes all the difference and we start the evening on the right foot.( i wear a gummiband on my wrist to remind me to do that. )you know who i stole this trick from? Dogs. they always greet you so happily and it makes all the difference. sounds silly but it just changes the atmosphere.
good luck and hold on tight!

masterandmargarita · 10/11/2018 07:02

Surely he's the one with mental health issues?

gladstonefive · 10/11/2018 07:14

Sorry YABU

From what I gather- your a SAHM. It isn’t all dressing them up in cutesy outfits and playing with play doh. It’s doing the housework and dealing with the shit parts of motherhood as well. While your doing that- your partner is off at work earning a crust to pay for the playdoh and the cutesy outfits.

Yes if he was at home all week he should pitch in. Yes he should at a weekend (and if he doesn’t you have a point but at the moment it’s a weekday) and yes he should share some of the parenting. But the whole “I’ve slaved away in this house all day while you haven’t been here” like he’s been sat in the pub on the lash pisses me right off if I’m honest. The housework you describe above would take me an hour, hour and half tops. How many hours does your husband work a day?

I work part time and I’m lucky that 2/3 days I work DH is at home- and I’d be pissed off if I came home to the house in a wreck when I’d been stood on my feet for sometimes 12 hours straight just like I’d expect him to be. But whoever is at home does the tidying up- it’s just logic, no?

Birdsgottafly · 10/11/2018 07:15

If you honestly thought about it, how much of him being a 'neat freak' and critical added to your PND and now, tiredness?

Have you discussed how his tendencies are going to impact on your toddler, or you when your child is at the collecting (cars/action figures), stage?

He needs a change of attitude. You need sleep. The critising is going to wear you down and if he moves onto your child, it's going to be damaging.

With some critical people, it's become a habit and they need to work hard to get rid of it.

All of his traits, including being obese could be stemming from anxiety or unhappiness.

You need a proper discussion and things need to change.

One thing I did say to my DD when she was struggling with my GC is that very soon things will be different. This is a tempory situation, children grow up quickly, even if it doesn't feel like it.

gladstonefive · 10/11/2018 07:16

If you want to go out OP- go out. He’s a parent too although breastfeeding would make that more problematic.

His comments to you are unnecessary but you have diminished all sympathy from me by being a hypocrite.

Birdsgottafly · 10/11/2018 07:19

gladstonefive, you're missing the point, the DP is being constantly critical and all the OP wants is for him to stop looking for things to pick on.

gladstonefive · 10/11/2018 07:22

Birds- she has done exactly the same though.

I get it. Having a baby is exhausting, she is suffering from postnatal depression and that can be crippling.

But I can’t feel sorry for her being criticised by her husband when she does exactly the same.

TheCupboardUnderTheStairs · 10/11/2018 07:56

You've stayed out a couple of nights - what does this mean? A few late nights with the girls or out ALL night?

PinkDaffodil2 · 10/11/2018 08:07

It sounds like you’re both sleep deprived, and you’re both trying. I’m trusting you when you say he is a good guy and it sounds like he does pull his weight after work. He was absolutely unreasonable to lash out at you about your depression especially during an argument about something else, but do you see that you’ve done the same with his weight - you’ve lashed out about it in a hurtful way during a discussion about something else?
It’s good you realise you were unreasonable, and I hope he realises that he was too and you guys can talk calmly about expectations for sleep and how much you can get done when looking after baby all day.

storm11111 · 13/11/2018 15:00

Good gracious there is alot going on here. You both seem to be getting annoyed and flinging mud at each other so what starts as an argument over domestic duties develops into a lot more!

You need to have separate DISCUSSIONS not arguments over your domestic issues to do with baby

about the his weight issue

and about his propensity to reference your mental illness as a weapon when he doesn't like what you say.

You both also need to end this habit of widening the subject matter of the current argument to include other unrelated issues!!

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