To be annoyed at CF mum sending through her Xmas list

[sickmumma]

Even though she has no intention of buying for any of us and hasn't for a few years now....

Got an email through today, CC'd me my brother, Nan and aunty a list of about 20 gifts (not anything super expensive to be fair) of what she would like for Xmas, names, shops and prices on.

I feel like she's being a massive CF - considering the fact she doesn't buy anything for the kids let alone us. Like literally nothing, not even £1 on a tube of smarties (which DC would be very happy with)

She says she has no money - yet has enough to smoke 20 a day and a bottle of wine a night! Takes money, holidays etc quite happily from Nan and DBrother and will ring me crying she has no food to last the end of the month. I have tried various times to help her budget but she declines (probably due to the fact she doesn't want to own up to how much she actually wastes on booze and fags) she works part time and her other half works full time, they live in a very cheap area of the country.

Sorry for the rant just so fed up that she expects from everyone and gives nothing back in return (not even material things just time and help)

She did what? Is that a thing?

Go with @weezol ‘s suggestion.

Ffs the world is crazy.

Just to note my brother wassapped me this - she sent it to my wrong email (my address but .com instead of .co.uk) so I think I'll pretend I have no clue and see if she mentions it!

We do amazon wish lists for the kids but actually this is for ourselves to be fair but we all use my brothers prime account (we do Netflix he uses!) and so Dad an dbrother log on and just buy stuff from it! Would never dream of sending an individual list like that unless asked and even then would be a oh just PJ's not exact money and shop and which ones!!

I’d just ignore it.

I'm totally with Lordamighty just ask her why she thinks it's appropriate to send a list when she doesn't get anything for anyone at Christmas. I do find it amusing that people have this weird thing that they feel they can't say these thing to their parents even when they are adults??

How the hell has she been allowed to behave like this for so long?? Sorry OP if I have misread your posts, but have people bought her things and she has NEVER bought things for others? If so Im not surprised she is so entitled if her terribly behaviour has been tolerated for so long

Reply:

"If we're doing present lists then here is my list, and here's the kids lists!"

Send her some tins of beans and spaghetti hoops.

Please say you don't usually buy her gifts ... if so then stop it! It's generally supposed to be a reciprocal thing isn't it?

She is not a mother OP ..she sounds like a complete waste of skin...I would ditch her totally, sure your nan would understand...

You're all enabling her. You, your brother and your nan. You all need to stop. Just stop.

You sound like you really resent her. You probably have your reasons beyond booze and fags but she sounds like she has MH issues. If you don't want to get anything from her list then just don't but it may be healthy for you not to pretend to have a relationship with her just for the sake of your Nan.

How old is she?

Time to stop responding to her rude behaviour - ignore the list, or tell her (like others have said) that you have decided to follow her lead in reducing gifts. (For example, in my family we decided christmas gifts are only for children, the adults don't get presents.) Maybe send a card?
I'm sorry you have to deal with her CF behaviour.

There is a lot more to the story of how she has acted, what she has put my Nan through and again stuff that I have only just told my brother and could never tell my Nan because it would upset her greatly. Not abuse but for example me and her on holiday (back before she wasted the divorce sale of house money) her getting properly drunk, flirting and god knows what else with waiters (as I went upto bed) and then her being so drunk she would wet herself, waiter brought her back to the room one night she was so drunk she didn't know what she was doing, not get out of bed and I would go out in the hotel alone to sit by the pool until midday when she made an appearance! I was 17, so old enough to look after myself but not my mother.

For the record I refuse to give her money or food shopping, I have brought her gifts, only token £10 and under because it felt mean to send up presents for everyone else and exclude her (rest of family buy for all of us) - I have my own family to worry about first and they are my priority. We never go there for Xmas and when I do travel up I stay with my Nan and if she's there she's there but I don't go out of my way - last time I went with the kids the day we left she said she won't come the day we leave to visit she had to tidy the flat because she was back to work the next day. She then got upset once is got home she hadn't come round?!? If I bring up money, how she has lack of when they both earn 4x rent between them, smoking/drinking she just cries and gets upset. This worries Nan, I worry about nans health so I just let it go. Brother has started to withdraw help too but still helps on occasion (she just went on holiday paid for by my aunt - Mum had given her a lump sum when she had money after divorce and aunt got retirement lump sum so felt like she owed it) and brother I know sent £150 euros, Nan and aunt have brought her clothes and also money to spend while out there also. Why they continue to do so I don't know 🤦‍♀️ I have tried to speak to Nan various times about how she enables her but she just can't bare to see Mum suffer short term (even if it will help her long term)

God knows what will happen when something happens to Nan! Aunt is moving to France so Mum will be left in Scotland with bf and we are in London so she'll have to sort herself out!

She is mid 50's to those asking! No MH problems known, I suspect depression and a little anxiety, I think the alcohol has a huge impact on her too the amount she has and also being diabetic because it effects her blood sugars greatly too with big highs and lows! But again she doesn't manage it (my boys both have diabetes too so I am somewhat of an expert now!) and again she takes no responsibility for herself and her health! How she is still okay I have no idea tbh!

Look I know it's easy for us to say this that and whatever but I can tell you're tying yourself in knotts over this.

Ride it out for the minute. Get her a tenner gift card and when your nan dies you can cut contact with a clear conscience.

She is not your problem.

Oh op. Sounds awful.

To be honest your mum doesn’t sound the problem. You sound ready to go nc - and you would have done were it not for your nan.

Your only concern here is how to not upset your nan. But I would also say she’s an adult and if she can’t see how fucking hurtful it is that she makes no effort with you and the grandchildren this is her problem. She is enabling her.

I would speak to her. Maybe some more wise mnetters will come along with advice. Personally I would go nc. I’m not sure what she’s bringing to your family. But you have to make it explicitly clear to your nan why. If she chooses to enable and pay for whatever you would’ve bought then that is her issue.

Sorry I mean I would speak to your nan. Not your mum. I don’t think that would do anything.