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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset [and angry] with a mum 'freind?'

21 replies

Londonlife85 · 09/11/2018 17:58

sorry for the long post, this is race/breastfeeding related.

so basically, my daughter is mixed race [black and white]. and yesterday my mum 'friend' came round

for background info her baby is also half black - but very fair and shes always like 'i love how hes so light and looks like me , ohh people always think hes fully white [he does look mixed race just fairer].

shes made a couple of 'off' comments in the past.

but yesterday she was like 'oh shes [my daughter] looks fully black, ohh her hair will get tighter soon, it wont stay soft'. obviously I would love my daughter whatever her skin colour/hair texture. but other parents are always like she doesnt look half nigerian, shes had indian/domincan before. so i dont get what shes saying? next to other mixed [half black/half white kids as i know theres more than 1 type of mix] my daughter looks like an average colour if that makes sense.

so AIBU to just be like why? why is my daughters skin colour so important to her/ I just really think its not okay.

also, i had really bad pnd - linked to breastfeeding, and yesterday she said 'oh i have such a strong bond because i breastfeed' - i tried for 10 weeks, its not my fault my daughter had a tongue tie so wouldnt latatch and that i couldnt afford a good pump to exclusively pump, why would she say that when she knew i had pnd?

AIBU to be upset/hurt/confused, we were suppossed to be friends? do any of you have any ideas as to why she would said it all Confused Sad

ps sorry if theres spelling mistakes/grammar mistakes my laptop is being really laggy

OP posts:
Original poster
Londonlife85 · 09/11/2018 17:59

for other background info, its not just me thats noticed but another mum [shes black] commented to me how its strange, like noone forced her to sleep with a black man'

OP posts:
EssentialHummus · 09/11/2018 18:01

She clearly has some sort of complex about her daughter's race or skin tone (or both) and is taking it out on you. And the BFing comment is wildly insensitive. I'd be distancing myself from her; she really doesn't sound great.

delilabell · 09/11/2018 18:02

She sounds a twat.
Stupid comments. Do you need to be friends with her (in a larger circle of friends) or could you just reduce contact?

DonaldDucksTowel · 09/11/2018 18:02

I think you’re reading wayyyy too much into her comments and tag ut sounds like you’re looking for a reason to dump her
You don’t have to be her friend if you don’t want to be, but don’t make it into something it’s not

PepsiLola · 09/11/2018 18:03

I really don't think she's actually your friend, she sees you as some sort of competition and is trying to put you down

ilovesooty · 09/11/2018 18:04

Why would you want to maintain a friendship with someone who upsets you?

Racecardriver · 09/11/2018 18:04

You both sound a bit racist. Could you just stop seeing her. She’s a but if a weirdo.

Original poster
Londonlife85 · 09/11/2018 18:07

no, im no longer friends with her, like i dont need her in my life, there is a larger circle we are apart of - all our partners are friends are friends but theres rarely a meet up where we would both be there, like max 1/2 times a year.. so she can be avoided

OP posts:
Furgggggg12 · 09/11/2018 18:07

She's an absolute dick. On both counts. Bin her OP.

selfidentifyinggiraffe · 09/11/2018 18:11

I had a kind friend who commented right after I said to her look if you get stressed about breastfeeding and can't it's not the end of the world and explained I hadn't been able to (we were both high risk for PND... I'd had AND, she was still pregnant)

"Oh I'd feel like a failure as a mother if I couldn't breastfeed"

I have lost count of the amount of times that comment has made me cry. I'd just explained to what was a close friend why I hadn't and tried to reassure her and she basically was so self absorbed she carried on as if she hadn't just punched me in the stomach

Not much help but just wanted to say tell her to fuck off. I wish I had to that person

MrMakersFartyParty · 09/11/2018 18:11

It makes me really uncomfortable to read how you're both comparing how light your kids are to other mixed race kids!
her hair will get tighter soon, it wont stay soft'. obviously I would love my daughter whatever her skin colour/hair texture

I mean it does sound as if you think her hair going tight and not soft would be less preferable to soft straighter hair.
I don't know, but maybe stop comparing how black your kids are and hoping they're on the light side?

Strongmummy · 09/11/2018 18:14

She sounds quite vile and ignorant and I wouldn’t want her being around my daughter in case she gets a complex.

JellySlice · 09/11/2018 18:17

She's not a friend. She's a twat. Avoid.

And BTW I also struggled to bf my PFB, and developed PND. And developed a lovely, close bond with him. He's an intelligent, able teenager now. I was less stressed about bfing my subsequent dc, and succeeded in bfing them. I can tell you that I had a heck of a lot more eye-contact and communication when bottle-feeding than when breastfeeding.

Enjoy your lovely, perfect baby.

Original poster
Londonlife85 · 09/11/2018 18:17

no honestly i dont mind what her skin colour or hait texture is, but the fact that she commenting on my childs skin and hair, is unnessacery, ive never said or thought it about my daughter or her child until she started mentioning it, like my daughter is who she is, i would her love her if she was any colour or had any hair texture [ and i dont think any is preferable], and its been noted by other people that she has an issue with race

OP posts:
blackchina · 09/11/2018 18:27

This reply has been deleted

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TheVanguardSix · 09/11/2018 18:30

no, im no longer friends with her

Well, problem solved then. Though it's good to get it out and have a vent, I wouldn't even waste energy on even thinking about this woman.

DistanceCall · 09/11/2018 19:10

She's not a friend. And she's a racist twat.

Dump.

SuchAToDo · 09/11/2018 19:17

Somebody should really say something to the friend though, she is not doing her child any favours commenting about its skin tone, if it's mixed race, then it's mixed race, and that is ok, how is that child going to feel when it grows up knowing it is mixed race but having a mother denying half of its racial background and trying to make it pass as white...

It sounds like she is the one with the issue op,

Don't let her comments affect you, you sound like an amazing mother

sollyfromsurrey · 09/11/2018 23:39

If she says anything like that again perhaps ask her point blank why she is so concerned about the whiteness of her child? Ask her why she is judging her child in the colour if her skin and ask her if she is unhappy to have a black partner? Put it back on her and her obvious problem she has with having a mixed race child.

dancinfeet · 12/11/2018 11:26

she sounds like a twit. I have two mixed race daughters, one of them has light brown skin, the other is whiter than some of her white friends (in terms of skin tone). we don't really discuss skin tone / compare, unless they are discussing what clothes/makeup suit them. why the competition for light skin? Sounds racist and ridiculous to me

Bond0O7 · 12/11/2018 12:25

Ugh I know what you mean. "Mum friends" always want to compare the kids. My daughter is half Indians and half white and people always comment on her skin tone or hair or eye colour annoys the shit out of me. I just ignore it or make a smart arse comment back. Your "friend" is just trying to make you feel back without saying it. Stop hanging out with her.

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