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Original poster

Should I be talking about this? *miscarriage trigger warning *

16 replies

Lamona · 09/11/2018 12:53

I've just found out my pregnancy is most probably not viable. It's my second miscarriage this year.
I haven't told anyone (apart from DH) about either pregnancy or miscarriage.
I'm obviously really sad but not devastated- I had prepared myself to expect the worst at the scan. I have a DD.
I know miscarriages aren't talked about enough. I'm sure my friends must have had some, but no one has ever said anything.
I don't want to make anyone feel bad, but I keep hearing we should talk about them more. But how do I do that without making people feel bad. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me ( i feel sorry enough for myself) but if there's a way to make other women not feel alone then I'd welcome any suggestions as how to do that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lamona · 09/11/2018 13:22

Did I ask that the wrong way?

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 09/11/2018 13:25

You don’t have any responsibility to other women, though it’s kind of you to think of them.

Do what’s right for you.

I’m sorry for your loss. x

ifancyachinese · 09/11/2018 13:28

I've just had my third mc, second this year also.
I feel the same. I feel like maybe I should be more sad and there's something wrong with me? Of course I'm sad but I'm very practical, it's just one of those things, get on with it type of person. I hate the feeling of people feeling sorry for me, that's probably my own issue.

Everyone deals with it differently,
Some people like to speak about it, some don't, just concentrate on looking after yourself for now x

Original poster
Lamona · 09/11/2018 13:31

Thank you. Those are really helpful replies.

OP posts:
Sparklybanana · 09/11/2018 13:31

Do what feels right to you. I've told and not told and to be honest, talking about it was OK. Lots of people said they'd lost pregnancies too and it made it feel natural and not my fault in any way. It was also nice to know that it didn't stop them from having kids. It didnt stop me either. I've had 4 losses and 2 children either side. It's draining and all consuming to have a loss but it gets better if you let it.

Original poster
Lamona · 09/11/2018 13:32

I think I felt like I wanted something good to come out of what is a horrible experience- if I can make someone feel they're not alone it might make this feel less pointless and frustrating and make me feel less useless....

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 09/11/2018 13:32

I don’t think the point of it not being talked about enough means that everyone should have to talk about their experiences, for me it means that the stigma is removed so people feel able to talk about them if they want to.

Really sorry for your sad news, OP Flowers

SunnyCoco · 09/11/2018 13:33

Do what feels right for you

I kept hearing I should ‘talk about it’, but when I did the insensitive replies were too much for me to bear

So with subsequent losses I kept quiet and it was better for me

I am so sorry for your loss xx

Original poster
Lamona · 09/11/2018 13:33

And thank you all for being so kind

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/11/2018 13:34

Do you want to talk about it OP?

Who says we need to talk about it too? Loss is such a personal thing and we deal with it in a way that suits us. Don't be made to feel like you have to talk about it.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 09/11/2018 13:35

Talk about it if you feel it will help you process it but please don't feel you have a responsibility to share with people if you'd rather not

Most women DO know how common miscarriage is and many have experienced it but would prefer to move on and not dwell on it

There is no right or wrong way to react

Very few people know I had a miscarriage. I don't really see it as anyone else's business but mine and DH's

Justanothernameonthepage · 09/11/2018 13:36

If you let it be known, you'll probably be surprised at the amount of people who confide your stories.
I miscarried mid pregnancy at week 19 so lots of people had to know as it was 7 weeks after the announcement. I had so many people approach me, write cards and letters telling me their stories. I recently had a good friend confide her loss as she knew I'd understand even though it wasn't general knowledge as it was 10 weeks.
I think, just acknowledge those women you know who have miscarried/lost young babies, ask them if they want to talk, about names, let them express themselves. So many people are hesitant to bring it up as though they'd suddenly remind you about it, it can be nice to know people haven't forgotten or are ignoring it.

Justanothernameonthepage · 09/11/2018 13:38

Obviously use judgement, let them know if they want to talk they can rather than demanding details.
One of the kindest moments I had in the aftermath, was having a condolence card. I didn't have to talk, but it was acknowledged

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 09/11/2018 14:45

I talked about mine, and was amazed how many friends then admitted they'd had one or more. I found it helped. But you're under no obligation OP, nor should you worry about what other people think if you do decide to be open about it. Sorry to hear you're going through it. I was devastated first time round, but mostly resigned 2nd time.

Luxembourgmama · 09/11/2018 14:46

Ive also had two this year and found it helpful to talk about I also have a kid already but id love her to have a sibling so i was pretty sad about them. I told close friends when i got the positive test both times so ended up talking alot about it. I think it makes sense to talk about these things to good friends.

Luxembourgmama · 09/11/2018 14:47

I find it helpful to hear from other people. Already helpful that sparklybanana said she had a kid after miscarriages that give me hope.

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