"Respect needs to be earned." Wot?

[liverbird10]

Does this phrase set anyone else's teeth on edge?

Is it not better to have the default position of respecting people until they give you a reason NOT to?

There are two types of respect. Respect as in treating someone as a human being shouldn't have to be earned.

But respect is also used to mean complete deference, never disagreeing, etc (as in "respect your elders" or respecting doctors/boss/president) and I definitely think that has to be earned.

A friend's abusive husband says this when she asks for her feelings to be respected. It's a thing that nasty twats say, because there's no come-back.

People in positions of authority have already earned respect by virtue of their position, i.e. professionals, emergency services, etc. They may not have "earned" their respect from you personally, as you've only just met them, but they've "earned" their respect on your behalf by others, i.e. their bosses, professional bodies, etc. You can't just ignore that. Of course, nothing to stop them losing your respect if they act wrongly, just as they can gain more respect by acting well for you.

You can't just ignore a teacher, policeman, doctor just because you've never met them before!

There is no excuse for not being polite, civil and friendly to everyone, and to begin from a position of trusting others. ‘Respect’ goes further than that, and implies a level of admiration which can only be earned.

2 different senses of the word really

I treat everyone with respect

I respect people that deserve it, in my opinion of course

I think people are just quibbling pointlessly about semantics. Clearly you should by default give someone a basic amount of respect. This doesn't mean you look up to them, do everything they say or revere their opinion. It just means you're polite and considerate of them. Obviously beyond that there are varying levels of respect - some people might command more respect due to their position (for example I'd expect a child to do what a teacher/policeman says automatically in a way they wouldn't if asked by one of their peers).

maybe respect is the default position, and disrespect is earned ?

The phrase is so ironic. Because if you don't respect people automatically (because respect has to be earned) and are subsequently disrespectful then those people at the receiving end won't respect you either.....

Total disrespectful anarchic chaos !

No, people in positions of authority are not automatically deserving of respect. Many of them are inclined to overreach themselves and need to be laughed at or slapped down when they try it on (people who either don't know/understand the regulations they are trying to make you follow, or who are deliberately misleading you about the extent of their powers). Managers at work can be useless, promoted via nepotism or whatever, and need to be ignored when they are meddling or giving dangerous/wrong instructions.

Many of them are inclined to overreach themselves and need to be laughed at or slapped down when they try it on (people who either don't know/understand the regulations they are trying to make you follow, or who are deliberately misleading you about the extent of their powers).

Best to question their authority in a respectful way, though. It shows integrity and carries more clout.

I agree that older cranky people throw out this line too, Im sure younger people do too

While I don't necessarily automatically respect someone on first meeting them I do treat everyone with respect.

People's actions and how they treat others are then what shows me what type of person they are. From that either my respect for them grows or I (if I can) choose not to have them in my life.

No, people in positions of authority are not automatically deserving of respect.

DF told us growing up to respect the uniform, not necessarily the wearer.

Totally agree. It should always be given unless someone gives you a reason not to. I find it an aggressive term and also a bit sad. I like to think the best of people because most people are decent humans who deserve to be treated kindly and with respect.

I disagree. I'm all for courtesy but respect is much deeper: it acknowledges another person's achievements.

I try to treat everyone with basic respect and courtesy so that we all get along and society functions. In most instances I have no reason not to do this.

People who work above me or are in a position of authority in some way, I give them the respect that their position is due. This is usually another variant of being polite and things functioning as they should.

These things have nothing to do with how much respect I have for people personally. I show common courtesy to my flatmate but she's a lazy thoughtless slattern and I don't respect that. Similarly, whilst I'll follow the letter of my job spec, I'll act very differently with people I actually respect- this is earnt respect.

I'd just like to remind folk that some of those cranky older people lived through a World War and endured enormous personal sacrifices so we could live in a free world. And I know those aren't the people you're thinking of but believe me they earned our respect and they didn't get it.

I think the problem is the war generation are dying off and the people that follow often seem to feel entitled to the same respect.

My default position is that people will get the usual social courtesies from me. That doesn't mean I respect them - to my mind, respect is something that is above and beyond daily politeness. It absolutely does have to be earned.

With children, the default position is that they should be polite to adults and accept that everything else being equal, they are less knowledgeable and experienced in life and would do well to defer to superior knowledge. That deference can be lost though, and once lost it absolutely does have to be earned back. Adults are perfectly capable of losing a child's respect and for that loss of respect to be well deserved.

A lot of people confuse respect with deference.

I respect a lot of people for various reasons. They didn’t necessarily need to earn it either, it’s mine to give (and take back) as I see fit.

I’m deferential to nobody, it’s not in my DNA.

some of those cranky older people lived through a World War

It’s more the people ten years younger, that are dicks, I find.

Respectfu Behaviour isn’t the same thing as respect though.

I behave respectfully to all my colleagues at all times.

I don’t equally respect their ability to do the job nor do I equally respect their morals/character.

lived through a World War

Someone born in 1945 would be in their 70’s now and obviously would have had very little actual experience of WW2. To have been old enough for battle at the beginning of WW2 they would have had to be born almost a century ago and be into their 90’s by now.

‘The elderly’ as most picture them are no longer the war generation. It’s misleading to repeat a line many of us grew up hearing because it’s just not relevant these days.

Yes trotting out lines about deserving respect for living through world wars is a little trite at the end of 2018 - it really only applies to people over the age of 92 now, anyone under that age was a child during ww2 or born afterwards.

Id be dubious about what simply having lived through something that you didn't choose entitles you to anyway... Thinking of my grandmother who died some years ago in her 90s, her husband was in a reserved occupation and she was a housewife with one child who never had to be evacuated, nor did she work during the war nor ever after it, nor or take in evacuees. The only thing she was affected by was rationing. I'm not sure simply being alive at that time entitled her in and of itself to anything subsequent generations are not entitled to. To be frank she did nothing her equivalent German housewife didn't do, and wasn't a very nice person...