To think I'm not your carer?

[BorisAndDoris]

Name changed for this because I may be being a bitch here.

A disabled lady lives in the same tower block as me. She has 4 D.C., none of whom are my kids ages nor friends. In fact they're pretty rude and obnoxious. If it is relevant in any way at all she has had this physical disability from birth, it's not just happened or anything.

I understand that she has a physical disability and that is a shame but she keeps asking me to do things for her and honestly it is getting too much for me. She wants me to drive or walk her kids to the various clubs and events they attend even though my own kids walk there themselves (with their own friends). She wants me to pick things up from the shop. She's told her kids to ask me for a lift back if they see me at the school every day.
Her oldest DS had a party last year and she had invited my DC. She made out she really wanted them to go and I told my DC to suck it up just this once to be nice or the birthday boy would be gutted. That day, Neighbour asked me if I'd give her a lift up early to take the stuff up to the venue. I was busy but reluctantly agreed, leaving my eldest getting her siblings ready for the party. When we arrived at the venue she asked if I'd take the stuff inside as she would take too long to do it herself.
Fine: I did.
"Could you help me just blow up these balloons?"
Fine. I did.
"Can you just help me pop those decorations up please?
Fine. I did. She barely touched them.

Then it was the food. She went off to start making it and it was clear she hadn't planned on doing it at all. I ended up making the whole damn lot and setting up the party! I was also expected to run it.

Now before anyone starts I KNOW it's terrible to be disabled for some. My own mother is severely disabled and I spent a lot of my life doing the basics for her but I don't want to be responsible for sorting out a family that simply isn't mine. I now have a list of pre prepared excuses worked out just so she can't catch me off guard.

Not all that she asks is going out of my way but even just the small things are an effort on my part and I'm busy enough with my own family and mental load. I feel like a cow but honestly I think that if I didn't have a way to get my kids to hobbies then they wouldn't be signed up. If I couldn't organise a party I wouldn't throw one?

AIBU and nasty?

I e said it before and I'll say it again, disabled people can be unpleasant cheeky fuckers too.
I'm limited in what I can do physically but I'd never be like your neighbour. Tell her straight up you can't continue to do this much for her.

I think I would just go cold turkey and do nothing for her from now on, OP. This woman is a user,unfortunately. Being disabled is extremely hard but it does not give you the right to treat people badly

If this lady is not you’re friend just say I’m sorry but that doesn’t work for me short and sweet don’t expand on it or give a reason.

You need to start saying “no I can’t do that”

It’s easy to get stuck in a rut when you start saying yes to everything and being taken advantage of so you need to start breaking the pattern by saying no.

YANBU

Where’s the children’s father?

I can’t get my head round this at all. I have debilitating chronic conditions and a disabled child and I struggle to even ask my DH or closest friends for help, let alone a random person.

Yanbu.

I’m disabled, and it limits what my family can do. That’s life. I don’t assume that acquaintances will pick up the slack.

She’s not your friend, her kids aren’t friends with your kids. Just say no.

No you're not BU - she is! I don't know anyone - disabled or not - who would expect a neighbour to do all she is asking of you. You need to put a stop to this, even if it means you come across as rude (sometimes that's the only way). What I mean by this is just a brief 'no, I can't do that' - and walk away. As soon as you start giving reasons, she will start finding a solution for you, meaning you end up still doing it. If she does press you on why you can't do something, just say 'I don't want to, I'm finding it exhausting' or along those lines. I wouldn't encourage my DC to be friendly towards hers, as she will start using that to her advantage. Her disability doesn't mean she gets to take advantage of you and your good nature. Please don't feel guilty: she is playing on that guilt.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

There's no dad/partner on the scene. My own DH keeps telling me to tell her just to bugger off.

I'm the type of person to go out of my way to help folk but when they start expecting that help it irritates me. I've been telling this woman no for most of the requests lately.
She doesn't always come right out and say it either, she'll hint at it, saying how nice it was for me that I can drive and she wishes she could too because she's struggling to get DD to band practice. Telling me how I t's a half hour walk in the pouring rain.. Then she'd ask how I was getting my DD to band practice that day?

I know I'm usually going there anyway and I feel like a shit not taking her kids but it's another child to piss about with telling him how to work the seatbelt, getting back out to strap him in because he tried to pull the middle seat belt instead of his own.... (he's old enough to do it but doesn't seem to listen.) I've started changing my routine so my shopping is done on school runs instead of before so I can have time alone with just my DC.

I hope it won't have to be too many Nos to break the dependence/expectance.

Ask her if she's ever been in touch with SS. There used to be designated SWs/Workers for children whose Parents are disabled.

A start could be a Child Carer charity. When she started with the "I wish..", I'd enquire if she's getting all the benefits that she's entitled to. But the reality is, disabled or not, sometimes your children can't do things.

She has probably pushed everyone away, but it isn't your responsibility to pick up the pieces.

I'd do for the children what I could, in terms of lifts, but put firm boundaries in place.

Thanks, she does have a social worker and carers who make many of the family's meals.
She got a dog at one point and then asked her neighbour who has a dog too if he would walk it because she was struggling to. He said no and the dog is re-homed elsewhere.

She sounds irresponsible and cheeky - being disabled does negate that. Why on earth get a dog when she knew she couldn’t walk it and didn’t have a plan in place with a dog walker or friend already?! Makes me so angry. It was also her choice to have 4 kids, and their father aside, they’re no one else’s responsibility, especially random neighbours!

I’d start avoiding her and putting some distance there. If you help her, let it be on your terms, and start saying no the rest of the time.

*being disabled DOESN’T negate that!