Best friend is a bad example

[SparklesAndUnicorns]

My dd is almost 6 years old and has just gone into year one where all the friendship groups were mixed, she is now with one of her best friends who is in the younger half of the year whereas my daughter is one of the older children, you can tell as my dd friend is very immature, she also messes around in class, is rude to teachers and generally silly and naughty in school, my dd before had other close friends in her class and could get some space from this girl but now I am told that this little girl clings onto my daughter and doesn't leave her alone much. My daughter has now started being silly in school and getting in trouble with the teacher and every time I ask her why or tell her off about it her reply is always "well best friend always does it!" I have told her if her behaviour continues I will ask the teacher to make sure that they cannot play together at school anymore, AIBU to stop this friendship? They have a lovely little thing going on but I really don't want my dd behaviour getting any worse due to this other child, especially at school. I have told her time and time again that she is the older of the two and should be the one telling her friend how to behave but obviously messing about and being silly is a lot more fun!

Who’s told you the other little girl clings to your daughter and that she’s silly and naughty in class? If it was your child then youre basing your entire opinion of a child on your 6 year olds say so. The other child may not be the instigator in all of this, maybe they’re just silly when they’re together? Have you spoken to the teacher? Perhaps ask that they’re not to sit together during class time or on the carpet. They’ll still have playtime together.

Yes I was told this at parents evening by her teacher I don't just assume by things my dd says as obviously you can't just trust everything a 5 year old says, I also have volunteered in her class every so often and witnessed this behaviour from her friend.

The teacher shouldn't be telling you this she should be managing it.

And depending on the size of the school I highly doubt you can insist they're kept apart at playtime. It's not bullying and the staff have of her things to do

Agreed NannyOgg, the teacher definitely shouldn’t be telling you this! I wonder if she really has or if she’s said something else and the OP has come to her own conclusions 🤔

I don’t think you can blame your child’s behaviour on her friend. Both my young dc have had friends who misbehave but they choose not to get involved even at 4. Agree the teacher should be managing it rather than blaming it on one child.

I haven't come to my own conclusions at all, the teacher told me during parents evening that this little girl is very reliant on my daughter and more attracted to my dd than my daughter is to her. I also had a TA approach me today and tell me that my daughter behaved a lot better last year before they were joined at the hip due to this little girls influence. Obviously I'm not going to blame every little bad behaviour my daughter does on her, as she is a sweet little girl and my daughter does have a mind of her own but this friendship is majorly effecting how she behaves also

Realistically, all you can do is limit the friendship (no playdates, etc). Ultimately, if the girls want to play together at break times, then they will.

And as your child gets older and older, you'll have less and less influence on who she chooses to be friends with.

So, realistically, your best bet is to manage the friendship as best you can.

How does your DD feel about being told off? Can you talk to her about good and bad choices? Things like that.

B’jesus they’re 6 years old - it sounds like you’re taking about teenagers studying for their GCSEs with things like you can tell as my dd friend is very immature. Are any 6 year olds mature?

It’s probably just a phase tbh, talk to your daughter about it but I wouldn’t be surprised if it just stopped happening. Maybe meet the child’s parents and discuss BOTH of your children’s behaviour together before demonising the one child?

You can't blame a five year old for your daughter's behaviour. And nor should you make your daughter feel responsible for, or superior to her: "you're older you should be telling her how to behave." no she shouldn't.
Instead you sold be concentrating on your own daughter's behaviour and resilience to peer pressure, teaching her to make good decisions. As a teacher, I have to say it's not always the "ringleader" who is the major problem - they usually have underlying reasons for their behaviours which teachers are aware of and are being dealt with outside the classroom. It's the hangers on who cause more issue by copying the silly behaviour, when they have no excuse for it, other than thinking it's funny and clever.

I agree you need to concentrate on influencing your daughter’s behaviour, talking about peer pressure and working on her resilience to it. You cannot influence the behaviour of the other child, and you cannot keep them apart either.

My daughter has a friend she was joined at the hip with, who behaves undesirably, with her it’s more that she acts in a sexualised way (she is 6) and knows/talks about unsuitable things which are beyond their maturity (sexual things, violence in movies etc) It’s not her fault, and I know enough about what goes on at home to see where all this is coming from. I don’t invite her round anymore, which limits exposure. I know the school are aware of the issues (there are many more, I know a lot of the history as I used to be close to the family) , and they did move them to different tables at my request after I had a meeting with the teacher. I only talked about my daughter’s behaviour.

Then I talked to my daughter about thinking about what she does before copying her friends. It seems now that they do play together, but they’re not best buds anymore so the problem was self limiting in the end. They mix up classes in y3 and I will request they aren’t in the same class

If your dd is copying the silly behaviour of a younger child then I wouldn’t say she was any more mature!
Teach your dd that age is responsible for her own behaviour. There will always be other children doing the wrong thing - it isn’t an excuse to do the same.

My dd so called best friend behaved like this, they were inseparable in year one, now in year two the bf isn’t interested if my dd doesn’t want to be silly, act silly so she has found another friend. She was most upset about this at the time, but I’ve explained to her that she doesn’t have to be a certain way just to be friends with someone and just to be herself and if someone is doing something she doesn’t like or doesn’t want to do then walk away or say she doesn’t want to do this/that. I’ve said to always try and play with everyone and she will find her good friends eventually but it’ll take time.

Thank you for your helpful replies I think maybe I am sounding more harsh than I meant to come across and obviously I do speak to my daughter about her individual behaviour and don't just immediately blame it on other children. I think my thoughts just came from the comments from the other teachers at school, she has had problems in her friendship group before and I am constantly worrying which probably doesn't help, I will try not to overthink it too much and I haven't stopped the friendship or anything,it is only a school friendship and I know at this age they don't last forever anyway and they are only little.