Am i wrong to worry

[Conlaibear]

Hi all first time ever talking online and asking for advice.
My partner has been with me for 10 years, shes my best friend and i would walk over fire for her, We laugh and joke all the time and make love a lot of times a week, some more than others. we just have fun. both have kids from our other marriages and they all get along.
but something has came up and its putting stress on our relationship.

At almost 40 i believe that holding the door open for your lady or anybody is good manners and if we walk on the path up the side of a road am on the road side always, that makes her laugh, but am polite and always thinking of her. However 1 month before we got together her friend of 15 years took advantage of her, this male friend while she fell a sleep next to him on the couch while watching a movie, he put his hand up her top and played with her chest. she woke up and realised one boob was out her bra, confronted him he left and never spoke again,

Until last month... this is where it gets weird. i understand they where good friends before, but she says he made a silly mistake and she trusts him it would not happen again and if she felt anything weird from him she would end it, I feel he is a sexual predictor and after 10 years should still not be trusted because he has don it once before at 29 years old he was a man and made a choice to do that.

We never argue but this is driving me nuts, today she said she would not meet him since it upset me so much, i didn't ask her not too, i wouldn't do that, but tonight laying in bed she moved to one side and was texting... so i said whats going on are you talking to him, she said yes, and i lost my s**t, Not great on my part but i felt a little hurt and angry she was doing that in bed with me there.
So i went back in and apologised about losing my temper and said i was sorry but am still not okay with all of this as i think he cant be trusted, ( he cant be trusted but i trust my partner ) I feel that any man that can do that might do it again and in my eyes he sexually assaulted her and i cant look the other way, and now i feel she should have no contact with him but i cant tell her not to do something because that not how we work together, every dissension we make is done together. but we cant see eye to eye on this.

I do not think i can live with this guy being in her life even if they never meet and its just over FB messenger, I thought i could but obviously tonight shows i cant and i do not know what to do now. so please any help or advice would be great.

I love my partner to bits, we are perfect together and i would never change that is it me being stupid jealous man

Can you describe what losing your shit entails please?

Definitely wondering what losing your shit means

But

I can understand why you don't like this man and worry. But your partner is a grown woman who can make her own risk assessments and choices over risks she takes and decide who she cuts off or not in her life based on whether you like or dislike them

Is the problem really that you feel he is a sexual predator or that you feel slightly threatened by him though?

Or is it that you feel hurt she's not letting you "protect your woman"?

Totally understand why you wouldn't like him though

Sorry i lost my shit by shouting and walking out the room. Its my thing get angry and walk out with the last word,,

am not going to lie, i used to get jealous but we are in a great place for years and not worried about that at all.

and he was not drunk or anything he took advantage of an opportunity, to me that just some wrong shit to do,
Its a boundary that he crossed and i do not think he should get involved with our family at all,

I pride myself on being an honerable man i have the respect to understand its my partners choice in the end, But i honestly believe in my gut he should stay away..... And i cant accept that she would want to talk to him again, In the last ten years we have no idea if hes done this again or before....

I think if you "ban her" or give her any ultimatum of any kind it will harm your relationship

But I completely agree with not trusting him to be near your family... if you have kids I think it's acceptable to say you don't want them exposed to this person

I wonder if perhaps she's talking to him to find some closure after the assault. I have to say as a woman who's been there - in my case being someone I also knew well and trusted previous I found more healing in discussing it years later with them. They did acknowledge it. I had friends who told me I was stupid to talk to them... and in a way that was harder than discussing the actual thing because my rights were violated once already... so well meaning people trying to stop me really felt like another violation

FWIW once I finally got closure and felt I'd healed... I dropped the man who assaulted me like a hot potato from my life. If she is going through something like that I imagine she will drop him soon enough, she might find a counsellor useful to bounce it off or a helpline chat though

I think you are right to not want him in your lives. He did assault her previously. I would not like my husband to be texting another woman whilst lying in bed with me either. I think your anger is understandable.

Thank you for words of wisdom selfidentifyinggiraffe and Alfie190.

i will ask her about it tomorrow since its 02:30 ill let her sleep lol.
I however dont think its closure but actual friendship shes looking for and that makes me worried more. Its nice to hear that am not being an idiot for thinking this i was thinking i might be in the wrong, But at the end of the day its up to her.

Well I think you are right to think this is a bit unnecessary. Why put this person back in her life? I also would have been very upset about the texting in bed, but different people will have different opinions.
You can't forbid her to go but wait to see what happens, not in your hands anymore but she is playing with fire im my opinion and not being great