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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU over how to help someone going through chemo

13 replies

AngryatEx · 08/11/2018 23:20

I have fallen out with my aunt today over how to help my mum (her sister) and wanted an outside opinion.

Mum has her third round of chemo tomorrow for breast cancer following a double mastectomy. I have offered to get her shopping\walk her dog etc - sometimes she says yes, sometimes she says no. I'm a single mum working full time so I can't do as much as I'd like but I stayed with her following her mastectomy for a few days and whenever my ex has the kids (they have to stay away directly after chemo as they are in primary school and constantly have colds etc).

Now my aunt has had a right go at me as I posted that I was looking forward to having a few drinks with my team Saturday night. It's my first night out in 6 months - I will finish work tomorrow, pick kids up, see them for a few hours before they go to my ex then I will stay with mum til 5pm Saturday when my brother will come round. I have done nothing but work, have my kids and help mum and I need a break.

I told her this and apparently where I went wrong was offering to help, not just going round and doing it. I tried to defend myself and say mum is an adult and has the right to say no but that's not good enough. She just goes round and cleans her house, changes the bed etc. Of course she doesn't say this to my brother even though he has no kids and Saturday is the first time he has stayed over.

So AIBU to ask her if she needs help?

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 08/11/2018 23:22

YANBU. I would feel really invaded if someone marched into my house and started doing things without being asked.

Original poster
AngryatEx · 08/11/2018 23:27

My aunt is my mum's big sister so they have the relationship where she will take over and mum accepts it. If I did that as her daughter it would feel like I was infantilising her.

OP posts:
BeeFarseer · 08/11/2018 23:28

I went through chemo and found it really difficult to ask for help, so I would have appreciated someone going 'I'll be round Monday and I'm cooking dinner' instead of generic offers of 'just ask if you need anything'. That put more of a burden on me because it required me to think of what needed doing, wonder if it was something the person was willing to do, and then ask for the help, and it took more mental effort than I was capable of - so I didn't bother.

But that's not your situation, your mum IS saying yes to your help when she wants it. You can't put your life on hold for her, you'll burn out.

IStandWithPosie · 08/11/2018 23:30

Ignore ignore ignore!! Ive found there is a certain type of person in a crisis/difficult situation who assumes the role of “person who polices how everyone else behaves as a way of proving that they care the most”. Your aunt sound like one of them. Ignore. Keep doing what you can, take breaks when you need them. Your mum will understand how much you’re doing.

Poloshot · 08/11/2018 23:32

No advice, but all the best to you and your mom in particular.

Parisbun · 08/11/2018 23:35

YANBU. If you burn out you will be no help to your Mum so you need to recharge yourself first.
Doubtless your aunt doesnt have so many calls on her resources and can recharge between times of helping your Mum. Dont listen to her. Older sister aunts are notorious for thinking they are the bosses of the family( and thank god for them mostly) but this time just nod and smile. You and your Mum are getting along fine it seems.
And as someone who has gone through chemo too I think its harder for the observers than the patient. Your Aunt is probably projecting difficulties that arent actually there.

Original poster
AngryatEx · 09/11/2018 00:08

Thank you for the replies. Some of what has been said rings very true, especially the policing of how much and what help gets done and by who. I'm going to try to not let her get to me.

OP posts:
Extravagant · 09/11/2018 18:44

It seems that your Aunt is blaming you but not actually helping much herself. Absolutely go and enjoy yourself on Saturday night, you are more than doing your bit and deserve it (and I say that as someone whose parents both died of cancer and who ended up doing most of the work for my own mum and had similar guilt about making plans etc)

RangeRider · 09/11/2018 19:40

YANBU. I would feel really invaded if someone marched into my house and started doing things without being asked.
This ^^. Hugely. Your mum is obviously capable of making a decision & saying yes or no to you. And that's how it should be. Not railroading her. You're doing exactly the right thing (IMO) of offering to do specific things for her. A vague 'if there's anything you want...' wouldn't be great but that's not what you've done. You've said 'do you want me to do x?' and your mum has been given the opportunity to say yay or nay. Your aunt is just as bad as the vague offerer.

Lymphy · 09/11/2018 19:58

YANBU, yes ask her if she needs help and help when it's taken up, I had a year of chemo, I had people offering help all the time which was lovely however it did get too much, the constant pressure to have people want to help out just reminded me I had cancer and sometines it was nice just to get on with normal life and forget i did, it was quite nice to be able to do mundane things like changing beds etc. I felt normal! It's your mum yes but you need a break too x

TwitterQueen1 · 09/11/2018 20:11

I am currently raging because someone who is supposed to be a friend is being really, really intrusive, as in "I want to know what your oncologist says. Are you have chemo again soon." FUCK OFF. IT'S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS. Sorry, I am projecting.

YANBU unless your mum actually WANTS someone else to make all decisions for her and to take over everything. I don't, but other people seem to think I've lost all decision-making capabilities and feel the need to tell me what to do.

Ask your mum what she wants. But IMHO I think it's important you let her do as much as she can. And yes, you absolutely do need time to yourself.

Original poster
AngryatEx · 16/11/2018 13:58

Sorry for taking so long to come back to the thread - I did go Saturday night but because I rarely drink and I'm exhausted the few drinks I had hit me hard AND I had a hangover. It was totally worth it to go home to my own bed and wake up without kids jumping on me.

@TwitterQueen1 sorry your friend is being so shit - some people just can't think about anything other than how it affects them. Mum wanted to talk about it a lot when she first started treatment so I listened but now she just wants to get on with it and I respect that. The last thing she needs is me making it harder!

OP posts:
DeadGood · 16/11/2018 14:04

I do think that there’s a difference between marching in and invading her space, and telling her you’ll be round tonight to help with whatever she needs.
The fact is, most of us struggle to accept as much help as we should. YANBU, but I would simply “be there” as much as possible. Once you’re in there it’ll be easier to help.
YANBU at all about the double standard between you and your brother and you should point that out to your aunt.

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