To think ds will never forgive me if I split up with dp

[Shsoshgo]

Have been with dp 8 years, have two ds 6&3. Our relationship is not good, think we’re just basically incompatible, wind each other up, different opinions, personalities, humour etc etc. We shouldn’t be together but I’m really struggling to actually initiate a split. There’s more than just this aibu but I’m trying to separate the issues in my mind.

He’s a good dad most of the time. Older ds absolutely adores him. So I’m really worried that if I ask him to leave ds will never forgive me. I have a good relationship with ds1 too but he hero worships his dad. While I imagine dp is similarly ‘over’ our relationship I don’t think he’d go easily, and would quite relish being the ‘injured’ party. Financially I’m much more secure while he’s only recently started working consistently (for various reasons but he has never been a sahp, he’s done around 25% of the childcare over the years but none of the rest of the ‘load’). He will quite happily argue in front of the dc, and when I’ve said they should be more shielded from our issues he dismisses it as me trying to act the ‘good one’. He’s said in the past that if we split the kids would deserve to know why (which in his eyes would be totally my fault). He is very prone to snide comments aimed at me ‘daddy doesn’t give in to crying, when daddy’s in charge that’s not how we do things’, he is very apt to blame and judge. I can just imagine him slowly poisoning ds against me, especially if he doesn’t make a success of himself after the split (‘poor me, this is all your mums fault’)

I don’t agree with staying together for the kids (I grew up with parents who should never have married, then supported my mum through a divorce when I was 16) BUT things aren’t that bad, a lot of the time things are ok, so maybe I should just hang in there, I’m under no illusions that I’ll meet someone else, I’d just like to live alone (with the kids)! Be really interested in how things have worked out for others who’ve split when their kids were this age. Is there a better age? Totally exhausted by thinking about it all, thanks for any thoughts.

I can’t offer you advice, but am in the same situation. I dream about leaving my partner but am too scared for a million reasons.... the biggest one is devastating our child. I know he would struggle massively without me too as I take responsibility for everything and am the bread winner. He is a good Dad though and our daughter is the only really good thing in his life so I just don’t have it in me to take that away from him. The emotional upheaval and fallout is just too daunting for me. Don’t let me deter you from being braver than I am. And sorry I cannot help, just wanted to say I know how you feel and how hard it is. It feels like a lose lose situation in so many ways.

Check out the information on impact of parental conflict on a child:

tavistockrelationships.ac.uk/policy-research/policy-briefings/969-impact-couple-conflict-children

There is more if you have a quick google.

Awful situation to be in op but you need to think about the long term impacts of being around a partner who is happy to engage in arguments around the children.

Good luck

Thanks Mummadaze, it’s actually really nice to hear that someone gets it, although I’m sorry you’re in a similar situation. It’s crazy how you can feel as trapped when you’re the one with the money as when you’re the one without.

Thanks @scotsrule. I think it’s this aspect which could be the catalyst I need, though it hasn’t happened in front of the kids for a while, I think he knows I’m getting close to an edge. We mainly do the not talking to each other or pointed comments so mostly under the radar of a self-absorbed 6 yr old but that won’t be the case much longer. But even then is that any more damaging than us living apart and dp dripfeeding negative stuff about me when I’m not even there?

I just wanted to say as someone whose parents have split as an adult (I'm 22, they're late 40s) it's so much worse than if they'd just done it when I was little. Children quickly adapt and though your kids will be upset at first in time they'll realise it's best for everyone's happiness. It's much worse to constantly argue and be unhappy around children.

I had a friend growing up whose parents didn't hate eachother, they were just incompatible and out of love. Because they stayed together 'for the kids' they ended up massively resenting each other and it was awful to be around, and I was only there once a week.

Hope things get easier for you OP and you manage to make a decision x

Hi
I was in a very similar situation as you, I could have written the post myself.
Ds 1 adores his dad, ds2 not so much.
Our relationship had run it course a long time ago and we should have split up years ago but we carried on for the children, we argued, I’d ask it not to be in front of the children for some reason he would say something along the lines of ‘what are you hiding, shall we tell the then the truth’ he told me he would never leave the house and I would never be able to take the children or their stuff, that the family home was there home, he take me to court and so on.
But what kept me there was his threat that he’s ask ds’s who they wanted to live with and tbh I wasn’t sure they’d pick me, so I stayed and one day we had one to many arguments and that was it. I had enough. I left with the ds’s, house was rented anyway but it was an up heaval. I waited with held breath for ds1 to say I’m not coming im staying here with dad (which ex would have loved) but he didn’t.
Ex didnt do that much childcare when we were together and has predictably let the boys down a few times.
But for me my life is so so much better, which means for the ds’s rhe arguing and he grumpiness from us both is less so they benefit.
I should have done it years ago that’s my regret that they saw far to many arguments and too much confrontation.

. But even then is that any more damaging than us living apart and dp dripfeeding negative stuff about me when I’m not even there?

Ex says negative stuff about me to the ds’s, he even told them mummy took daddy’s children away from him and now daddy has no money and mummy has made daddy ill. I mean what can you say to that. Nothing really at the time so the twat said it again.
I emailed him later and told him if anything similar happens again he will see me in court. He knows now to take me at my word.

It will undoubtedly be hard if he is drip feeding negatives, however this can be managed and support put in place for your little ones emotional resilience around this. If you maintain your dignity and positivity then that will go some way to counteract that.

Whilst this is not ideal, like I said it can be managed and eventually your little one will be able to see what is what for themselves.

What is more difficult to undo is long term mental health and behavioural problems in children who are reacting to the toxic situations at home.

You have my sympathy op, it’s a hard decision to make and I know you feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

My parents stayed together because of me. They didn’t argue all the time but were never in love, had separate rooms and lives. They split when I was 16 and they both instantly looked 10 years younger and are far happier now. I’m really close to them both, probably more so than I would have been if they’d stayed together. I think it might be better to leave him sooner rather than later (if you do want to) so your children will have more time to adjust. If you handle it right children want to see their parents happy.

Personally I think it's better for children to see parents apart but happier than together miserable and fighting.
If you've tried everything to make it work then personally I'd say now is as good a time as any. Plus hopefully you and dp can forge a positive coparenting strategy whether immediately or in time.
It's certainly not going to be easy, and of course the kids will be upset but children are pretty damn resilient!!
I left my partner after being miserable for a long long time and my son has bounced back and he now gets to see positive, healthy relationships growing up which I truly believe will impact his future relationships.
He is far closer to me than his dad but that's down to his dad's choices, but he still has a good relationship with him. He and I don't always see eye to eye, and his dad does say some things about me at times about the split etc but I always cover my own feelings and never say a bad word about him in front of ds. Especially as he gets older he definitely appreciated that and is starting to make up his own mind about exdp.
Whatever you decide, just make sure you and your children are happy op!!