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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party?

29 replies

wannabebetter · 08/11/2018 21:09

DH has 'big' birthday on Monday & weeks ago I decided to invite his siblings & families for surprise party at ours (we've just built a home bar & would be perfect!) he knew 1 sibling & family were coming for the weekend as they need to stay but finally put 2&2 together & said "hope this isn't some sort of surprise party - you know I'd hate that, if you have I'll just walk out" etc etc. Obviously I did tinkly laugh & assured him of course not, just co-incidence!! But, am now shitting bricks at prospect of said party  so far I've dropped in that 1 more may drop over on Sat because, um, sister, but no mention she's bringing 5 with her and 2 other siblings plus family are coming too...! Should I say something now (and risk huge row of 'I told u I didn't want etc etc) or just let them arrive and act surprised they are all here and, "oh gosh, isn't it amazing I've done far too much food" so they are all catered for?!

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 08/11/2018 21:11

YABU for having a home bar. Pretty sure that’s a crime on MN. In your position I would talk to him about it.

ClashCityRocker · 08/11/2018 21:11

Is it just siblings and families?

Could you pass it off as a surprise family gathering rather than a party?

I'd hate a surprise party with loads of people, but a surprise get together with family I got on with would be nice.

Blanchedupetitpois · 08/11/2018 21:13

I would probably tell him - he has made his feelings clear!

SparklyLeprechaun · 08/11/2018 21:14

I'd absolutely hate it if DH did that to me. Please tell him.

masterandmargarita · 08/11/2018 21:14

What a misery guts but love the idea of home bar Wink

Original poster
wannabebetter · 08/11/2018 21:14

Yes, I've texted everyone saying no shouting "surprise - Happy Birthday" A's is just 'family gathering, but AIBU to deny all knowledge in the night & say they must have just talked between themselves and decided to show up? (Sorry should have included the AIBU bit in original post - doh!)

OP posts:
Lila288 · 08/11/2018 21:15

YABU for having a home bar.  hahahah.

I'd keep it a surprise. It's probably just the thought of it he doesn't like. Once all his friends and family are there he can't exactly just walk out?

CrispbuttyNo1 · 08/11/2018 21:15

I would hate that sort of surprise sprung on me, but I would be very pleased that my DP had arranged a party for me. Just not a surprise one.

WithAFaeryHandInHand · 08/11/2018 21:16

I’d tell him. He’s clearly said he doesn’t want a surprise party. So I wouldn’t inflict it on him.

Original poster
wannabebetter · 08/11/2018 21:16

If I were replying I'd say "tell him" but.... he's likely to go apeshit and if I then have to uninvite family they'll likely take it thick...

OP posts:
Blanchedupetitpois · 08/11/2018 21:18

Of course YWBU to lie. You’ll inevitably get found out and then your DH will be annoyed that you went against his wishes and were dishonest.

Just tell him - ‘I was planning a surprise party but I know now that isn’t your thing, so just to let you know all your siblings are coming’

What’s the benefit of keeping it a surprise and lying to him? I can’t understand how that could possibly be better than just telling the truth?

SparklyLeprechaun · 08/11/2018 21:19

Yes, yabu to deny all knowledge, do you think he's dim? Just tell him you'll have some people around for a drink for his birthday, don't call it a party if you don't want to, just tell him.

Original poster
wannabebetter · 08/11/2018 21:19

I actually don't know what I was thinking - he absolutely hates surprise parties!!! But, we got bar finished, got pool table etc and he started talking about inviting people, so I just got carried away! Omg, DSiL has just said she's bringing balloons.... this is going to go badly....

OP posts:
Blanchedupetitpois · 08/11/2018 21:19

Sorry, crosspost. Why will he go apeshit?! This situation is weirdly fraught. If he dislikes his siblings so much that he would make you uninvited them, is it sensible to have them coming in the first place?

Any reasonable person would just accept that you meant well but just got it wrong and are now trying to fix it.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 08/11/2018 21:22

You need to tell him tonight so he can get used to the idea. And have a day to buy a new outfit or haircut or whatever

NoSquirrels · 08/11/2018 21:22

Does he like his family? He may be envisaging a massive big party iof loads of people and feeling anxious - would he be reassured it’s just family?

Shadow1234 · 08/11/2018 21:23

I was in your husbands position a few years back - a milestone birthday and I did say I didnt want a party or any other surprises. Husband had arranged for a family and friends get-together, and to be honest, as soon as people started arriving, it all felt so special and nice (and I was hardly going to storm off and sulk in front of everyone). I look back now with really fond memories and am so glad my husband did this for me.

I am not saying your husband would be as forgiving, (but you know him better than us) - would he really stick to his word and leave? Would he walk away and leave you to explain to his family that he didnt want them there?

I suppose if you feel the need to tell him, and he still insists that he doesnt want anyone to visit, you still have time to uninvite people!

Good luck anyway.

Original poster
wannabebetter · 08/11/2018 21:23

Blanched thanks, that's exactly what I want to do.... but have nagging doubt he'll then say he doesn't want them all coming (more to prove point of not wanting party than anything) and then I'll have to tell them not to come, and then that would be v awkward & cause illfeeling.....and would be all my fault!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 08/11/2018 21:27

have nagging doubt he'll then say he doesn't want them all coming (more to prove point of not wanting party than anything) and then I'll have to tell them not to come

If he’d be this petty and point-scorey when you’ve tried to be nice I’d tell him to do the uninviting!

Different if you’d planned a full-on people leaping out from behind sofas 100-odd guestlist but this is just a family get-together.

Original poster
wannabebetter · 08/11/2018 21:28

Sorry - can't seem to tag people on my phone!! He has a pretty normal love / hate relationship with siblings (in fact the one who drives him maddest is the one he knows is coming to stay!) & I don't think he'd actually leave if they all just arrived - but I know if I tell him beforehand he'd probably go mad - I'm just praying my assumption is right....

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 08/11/2018 21:31

Why are you arranging anything for this miserable sod?!

PumpkinPie2016 · 08/11/2018 21:34

I think I would tell him you have invited x,y and z around for a small family gathering for his birthday and to celebrate having finished your home bar.

That way he will be prepared plus he won't be envisiging a huge party of randomers.

I wouldn't say nothing/deny all knowledge though because he has made his feelings clear and it could majorly backfire!

Original poster
wannabebetter · 12/11/2018 14:45

Ended up telling him on Friday night - he took it surprisingly well and the party was fantastic (though all are still recovering)!

OP posts:
Planesmistakenforstars · 12/11/2018 15:06

Why have you arranged something for your DH which you know he'll hate and has now told you he doesn't want?? It sounds like you've just done it for yourself. Tell him, and if he doesn't want a party then cancel it.

Planesmistakenforstars · 12/11/2018 15:09

Ahhhh, should've RTFT Blush. Glad you both had a good time.

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