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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Lost my temper with my mum...

17 replies

Didyeeaye · 08/11/2018 17:09

I'm feeling a bit guilty tbh
I've not been well this week (flu) and have a hyper 4 year old so it's been hard. My mum has poor mental health and substance misuse. She doesnt work and is lonely as my sister rarely sees her despite being a SAHM living 10 mins walk away. I live half an hour away by car and work full time.
Anyway my mum called me on Tuesday and made me feel so guilty as she hasn't seen anyone for a couple of weeks and is so lonely etc. I explained I haven't been well and initially she asked if I needed her to come over but it quickly turned in to me going over for dinner and taking my LO.
I said no initially but was guilted in to it tbh. My friend offered to take LO today so I could rest so I went to mum's alone. On route she asked me to buy several things from the shop as she 'doesnt see the point getting ready to go'
She immediately complained LO wasn't there, told me how I let him away with everything, was derogatory about me being ill (I need to get on with it) and talked about my sister and her kids (2 of which are in care) like the sun shines out of her arse. I lost my temper and said 'I'm not listening to this all night' to which she said I'd been miserable since I got in and should just drink my coffee and go. I said 'I did tell you I was ill' and she went in a rant how she never asked me to come etc. I'd had enough by this point so put my coat on and went. I'm usually so much more patient with her but she really does annoy me. She is soo self obsessed and all for my sister, nothing I do is good enough! It's probably the flu but I just don't feel resilient enough to cope with it at times.

OP posts:
TenForward82 · 08/11/2018 18:16

Sounds like my mum. Narcissist Victim.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 08/11/2018 18:19

Just take a step back, get yourself better. Sounds like no matter what you it will never be enough.

flumpybear · 08/11/2018 18:35

She's got too much time on her hands so she's being a pain and meddling in people's business

You've not got flu - you've probably just got a bug

poglets · 08/11/2018 20:27

I have this with my mother. Every time I lose my cool with her, even over something justified, I kick myself. I forget that you can't change others, only how to you respond. But it isn't always easy.

Chalk it up to experience. Remember that she is now living with her own choices.

SuchAToDo · 08/11/2018 20:31

Op if I was you, I'd put this to the back of my mind, and get well, ...then when you are recovered, don't feel like you have to apologise (you haven't done anything wrong)

If your mother is like that all the time with you, then you need to limit the amount of time with her and set very strict boundaries...e.g is she is derogatory about you or your son, get up and leave..you need to stick to.it too for the sake.of.tour own sanity or she will guilt you into thinking she is the victim and that you are in the wrong...

Hope you feel better soon opFlowers

Didyeeaye · 08/11/2018 21:51

Thank you all for the support so far. It is much appreciated. We've always had a strained relationship and i often feel guilty about it.

OP posts:
penisbeakers · 08/11/2018 21:54

She was well out of order. You don't need to feel guilty. I'd stay far away.

Didyeeaye · 10/11/2018 23:39

Wee update. She spoke to me today and I felt bad so apologised for Thursday ( I know I'm a push over) anyway I explained about getting angry re her attitide to me vs my sister and her response was 'well if you had taken (sister)'s kids more often she could have coped better'.... Really?! I had them every weekend and they were removed because of concerns with her substance misuse! Mum also pointed out the reason I didn't get kinship was because LO was a hard baby! I'm soo fucking angry! Why do I give this woman the chance to hurt me all the time and go back for more!

OP posts:
penisbeakers · 11/11/2018 00:47

You need to step away from her. Complete no contact for a while.

SuchAToDo · 11/11/2018 10:26

Op, you need to step back from her, she will eat away at you until your confidence and self esteem.is just a shell of what you are...you are not responsible for your sisters kids and don't let her make you think you are...

You need to step back from her, and go no contact or low contact (if it's low contact I'd keep it to text messages because if you talk on the phone or in person she will just keep.hurting you emotionally)

borderline11 · 11/11/2018 10:48

Sorry to ask....what is an LO?

ButchyRestingFace · 11/11/2018 10:52

In view of your post at 23:29, you really need to back swiftly away from your mum (at least for now).

She doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

usertall · 11/11/2018 10:52

@borderline11 LO means little one

usertall · 11/11/2018 10:53

OP I have family like this. For your own mental health, you need to try and detach yourself or it will eat you up. Best thing I've done.

JayDot500 · 11/11/2018 13:09

This is my mum. I'm having a similar stand off because I refuse to engage with her negativity. Trust me, put all her crap behind you and move on. Hopefully she will too

Maelstrop · 11/11/2018 13:36

Wow, she's a charmer, ain't she?! Step away from her, OP, she's doing you n I good. What the hell did you apologize for? Because she was a bitch to you? It's hard when you're in the habit of being a pushover, but think before you speak and don't ever apologize to her. Why didn't she get kinship? Presumably because she's a substance abuser, so she's got a bloody cheek telling you it's because your ds is hard work!

ASimpleLampoon · 11/11/2018 13:46

Make good your life and go NC. Both her and your sister sound like they will drag you down otherwise.

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